Page 65 of Shot to the Hart

Lily

See you soon.

It’s already one o’clock, which means that Bella will be waking up soon and he will have to leave us. . .Again.

“It’ll be okay, Mav. When you get back, we can all snuggle up and watch Simba together.” He lets out a defeated laugh before pulling himself to a sitting position and pulling me into his side. We breathe together for a few moments, neither of us saying anything.

He’s the one to break the silence between us. “Kodi?”

“Yeah, Mav?”

“Can you promise me you’ll be here when I get back?” He gently lifts my chin, gaze to his, those deep blues portraying everything he can’t find the strength to say to me.

“I promise.”

37

MAVERICK

RAINCLOUDS

Walking into Wake, Bake, Repeat, the aroma of coffee and pastries floats around me. My body feels rigid as I look around the small cafe for the woman that I remember. Sitting at a table near the window, Lily waves to me. Her once jet-black hair that she passed to our daughter is streaked with blonde highlights. As I approach, I notice that her eyes seem to have sunken in as if she doesn’t sleep much.

“Mav.” She gives me a smile and stands, opening her arms for me. I decline that option, sticking my hand out stiffly. She steps back, her lips pressing into a firm line, taking my offered hand in a firm shake.

“Lily. How have you been?” It takes her a moment to respond as we sit, fiddling with the straw of her coffee. Sitting in silence with Lily used to be comfortable, but now it makes my skin itchy.

“Honestly, I’ve been fine. Been better, been worse. Can’t complain. How are you?”

“I’m fine and so is Bella.”

“That’s great, really.” She smiles at me but it’s filled with tension.

“So Lily, what is it that you want?” I’m not here for pleasantries, and I really only want to know why she showed up and called me out of the blue.

“ I just wanted to see how you guys were doing.”

“So, you call me out of nowhere just to see how I’m doing? This could have been a phone call Lillian.” She jolts back at my use of her full name, and for long moments she doesn’t respond, looking into her coffee cup like the answer to solve an impossible equation lies within.

“And how is Bella doing?” I ball my fists at my side, her daughter by blood maybe, but her daughter that she raised and loved and cared for, absolutely not.

“To be quite honest, I don’t think you deserve to know how I’ve been or how my daughter has been. You lost that right when you walked out on us without so much as a note.” I take a deep breath so that I don’t let my temper get the best of me. “You know she'll be three in less than a month and you’ve missed every birthday, every milestone, every sickness, every smile and giggle that comes from that beautiful little face.”

“Maverick, that's not fair. I had to leave.” I’m not even sure how to respond to this because she didn’t have to leave, she chose to leave. “Listen, I know that I missed out on those moments, and I know that I will continue to do so.”

“You didn’t have to do anything, you chose to leave!” my voice rises just a bit, my fists still tightly balled at my side.

“I did, Maverick.” Her eyes are starting to water and I’m trying to keep those walls up, but it’s hard to watch her cry, so I slide her a few napkins across the small, round table. “I wasn’t good for her or for you. You guys are better off without me.”

She wasn’t good for us? We are better off without her? It’s been years and she’s just now offering this information to me.

“How could you think that we were better off without you?”

“I. . .” Her eyebrows furrow as she tries to find the words she wants to use, maybe second guessing her decision to call me. “I didn’t know what I was doing. I was suffering Maverick, it got to a point where my parents forced me to seek help. When I started therapy, I was diagnosed with PPD. When I left, the only way I saw Bella turning out okay was if I left, so that’s what I did.”

“Wait, I was at your follow-up appointment when they screened you for it. Did they not catch it?”

“I. . .I wasn’t truthful with the doctor or you. I couldn’t bring myself to tell anyone I needed help. I hid behind the guise of hormonal changes when I knew it was so much deeper than that. I had thought about telling them and you what I was feeling, but I couldn’t. I wanted to believe so badly that those feelings of sadness and anger and not feeling like I was a good mom would leave as Bella got older. They just never did.” I am hit with a wave of guilt, feeling like I should have noticed. She purposefully kept this from me and still waited three years to tell me, my anger warring with the guilt.

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