Page 7 of Shot to the Hart

“I can’t act as a PA for you and the guys along with taking care of Bella, Mav. Having an au pair isn’t a bad thing, plenty of the other guys use them. Preseason is about to end, and your media appearances and travel schedule are about to pick up. Having someone here to stay with Arabella and your dad, or to travel with us, would be useful.” He finally looks up, a furrow between his brow, making eye contact with me.

“You’re right. I need the help, I’m just in denial about it, especially with Ma being gone. I didn’t think I would need anyone else, I didn’t want to need anyone else.” I clear my throat to rid myself of the emotions bubbling up my throat. “How am I supposed to trust someone I don’t know to stay with her?”

“I know man, but I’ve got you. That’s what I’m here for. It might be hard, but we are going to find someone kind and trustworthy. We will make sure to vet everyone thoroughly, then once you have some applications you like we can set up the interviews.” He gives me a reassuring smile.

“Thanks, hopefully we can get some applications and get someone in before it gets too busy.”

My mind wanders back to that grocery store trip, to losing Bella and the woman who found her. The jet black hair and the eyes that reminded me of evergreens, the way she interacted with Bella. It’s too bad I refuse to bring a woman into my life,otherwise I would have asked for her number. After Lily though, I can’t date, I won’t. The next time a woman leaves, it would affect not just me but Bella too.

“What are you thinking about over there Mav?” Tatums statement interrupts my thoughts.

“Lily. What if she finds out I hired someone and comes back with the papers unsigned and in hand?” I mutter.

“That almost sounds worse than hiring a stranger.” This statement confirms my thoughts that Tatum never really liked Lily. “When was the last time Jeremy and the team reached out?”

“Bella’s second birthday, it’s been five months. Third time in the past two-and-a-half years. I just don’t get why she wouldn’t just sign them and send them back. She didn’t answer my text update either.” When Lily left and I let the Manta Rays legal team know, they immediately started searching for her but came up short until Bella’s first birthday. They ended up finding her in North Carolina and have sent termination of parental rights papers religiously, but she’s not signing them or not sending them back. She knows she can’t get anything from me, the team made sure of that when we let them know I had gotten her pregnant. The open-ended possibility of her coming for Bella though, that makes me worried.

“That’s so weird, it’s apparent she doesn’t want to be involved,” Tatum wonders inquisitively.

“Yeah, but you know I’ve always said if she wanted to have a relationship with her, she could.”

“Which I will never understand, but it is your call,” he relents.

“And KJ, the woman from the store. She was beautiful dude. I wanted to ask for her number, but you know I couldn’t do that,” I divulged, changing the topic because I can’t deal with Tate judging me for leaving that door open any longer.

“Couldn’t or wouldn’t?” Tatum shoots me a questioning look.

“Aren’t they the same?Can’tbecause it’s not just my heart on the line.Wouldn’tbecause I can’t get hurt like that again.” Lily leaving was unexpected and while I didn’t feel we were truly in love, it hurt like hell that she didn’t even talk to me. Didn’t say goodbye to me or her daughter. One thing I know for sure is that my feelings for her were stronger than hers were for me until Bella came, when Bella came it felt like Lily didn’t feel anything for anyone. I tried to talk to her, tried to figure out why she was so distant, but she wouldn’t talk to me, kept telling me she was fine until she disappeared.

“I understand why you’re hesitant, Mav, but I think you deserve to be happy too. You being happy will bring so much more joy into her life.” He gestures towards my sleeping daughter. “Next time you want to ask for a woman's number, just do it. Nothing has to come of it until you’re ready. At least try though.”

“Okay, I appreciate you, Tate. So what about you? Dating anyone?” I ask to take the spotlight off me for the moment.

“Nah man. You know me, one night stands and that’s about it. I enjoy my luxurious lifestyle, I don’t want to give that up quite yet.” He laughs.

“Oh, right. The Porsche can’t handle a passenger princess, and your 1,650 square foot, three-bedroom, two-bathroom condo on the water isn’t big enough for a woman to occupy,” I retort on an eyeroll. “Let’s not forget about the beach bungalow, that couldn’t handle a woman either.”

“Oh, shut up, Maverick. If I find the right girl, maybe I’ll settle down. Until then, let me live.” He flashes me a shit eating grin.

“Alright dude. Get out of my house. I’m tired,” I say on a yawn.

He gathers his things and makes his way towards the front door. “We’ll get together when we get a few more applications. Talk to you later!”

“Thanks again!” I throw his way as he closes the door behind him. Hearing the automatic lock click into place, I head into my room.

Sitting in my bed, I can’t get a grasp on my breathing, and my hands are shaking uncontrollably. I can’t quite pinpoint if my panic attack started because of my discussion with Tatum about hiring an au pair, thinking about Lily maybe showing up for the first time in months, or the realization that my Ma is actually gone and won’t be here to celebrate my wins or see Bella grow up; I won’t have her to lean on during my times of struggle. I attempt to take in a breath, and then another, until my chest is rising and falling almost regularly again.

“Get it together Maverick,” I tell myself. “I can see my bedroom door, my hands in front of my face, the picture of Bella being held by the guys and I after our first win when she was born, my hockey gear, and my pile of dirty clothes I need to wash. I can feel my comforter beneath me, the sweat dripping down my back, my feet on the cold floor, and my fingernails digging into my palm.” At that moment, I remind myself to unclench my fists and relax my shoulders. “I can smell my deodorant and the detergent on my clean sheets. I can taste my mint toothpaste.” After working myself through that, my breaths have completely regulated, and I find myself leaning back into my bed and closing my eyes.

4

KODI

WAKE, BAKE, REPEAT

“Order for Grace,” I call out as I set down a medium Americano on the pickup counter. I still haven’t heard back from any of the job applications I submitted over the past two weeks, and while I make good tips at this coffee shop, I’m not making enough to work towards my goal of relocating off of Darcy’s couch.

My shift is almost over, we made it through the afternoon rush, and just then the bell above the door chimes, and my three best friends are walking into the shop, right up to the counter where I stand already typing in their orders. Ever since I started working here, when my friends' schedules line up, they will waltz in at the end of my shift so we can have some girl time.

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