Page 66 of Shot to the Hart

“Well, I wish you would have talked to me instead of just disappearing, and I’m sorry that I didn’t put more effort into checking in with you. I know we were just together for her, but I was worried, and then one day I just assumed you were either dead or living the life you always wanted without us.”

“I regret the way that I handled everything. I should have talked to you, I wish that I would have been honest with myself about how I was feeling. I wanted to call once I was stable, but I’ve backed out everytime.” Her tears are freely falling now.

“You should have.” My first thought is that I don’t want to allow her to come back into our daughter's life and then leave again. That’s not fair to her or Bella though. Pushing my resentment aside, I continue after a minute of silence. “You know, it’s not too late. She can still get to know you. I thinkwe’d have to set some serious boundaries, but my intention even after you left has never been to keep her away from you. We can arrange that.”

“I know that it’s not too late because you’re a good person and I don’t deserve your forgiveness, but through my therapy I realized something else. When we stripped it down to the bare bones of who I am and what I want out of life after I got past the PPD and the guilt of leaving unannounced, which I know now was prompted by something I had no control over, being a mom was never a part of that plan. I didn’treallywant to be a mom, I never did. That’s actually what I wanted to talk to you about.” She sucks in a deep breath, leaning into her bag and pulling out a stack of papers before continuing. “I signed the papers. I. . .Well, I don’t want you worried that I’m going to pop up and try to take her or your money like you probably thought I was doing today. I know that holding onto them for this long was wrong, and I apologize for that. ”

My heart drops into my stomach. It’s relief and anguish swirling in my gut. I thought Lily would be here for my daughter or my money, but she wants neither. She never will. I can’t tell if I’m relieved or devastated. Bella will never know her mother, but I won’t have to worry about this happening again.

“Are you sure that’s what you want? What if she wants to get to know you one day?” I ask.

“It is. I’ve thought about it, I’ve talked to my therapist extensively. Each time I got a new set of papers making me feel worse about holding onto them.” She sighs. As if she’s been hanging onto this weight forever. “If she wants to know me one day, I’d be open to that, but I don’t see her wanting that to happen.” I think about arguing with her, but what’s the point? She has clearly made up her mind. I've raised Bella on my own for the past three years, and I have Kodi now. We can show Bella a healthy relationship and give her a positive maternal figure,even if it’s not her mother. I wouldn’t want it to be anyone but Kodi if I’m being honest.

“Well, alright. I’ll get these taken care of then.” I hesitate for a moment, considering if I want to mention this next part. “You know I won’t hide you from her. If she has questions, I’ll answer them. If she wants to know you, I won’t stop that from happening. Again, I never wanted her to not know you, but I needed to protect her.”

“I know that.” She smiles at me, genuinely this time, though a little wobbly. “I know you wouldn’t do that. You both deserved the truth, tell her everything when she’s ready. I think I should head out.”

I’m considering letting her go, but I have one more question that I feel like I need an answer to for this door to truly be closed. “Wait, can I ask you something?”

“Anything.”

“Why didn’t you at least talk to me before you left?” I’m not sure if I actually want to know the answer, but it’s the only thing I’m stuck on after our conversation.

“I didn’t want you trying to convince me to stay or forcing me to talk to someone when truly I wasn’t ready, Maverick. Every day I would look at our daughter and care for her on autopilot, sometimes not remembering what our days looked like. I’m sorry that I didn’t handle leaving properly, but at that moment it felt like the only option I had.” I open my mouth to tell her I would never have done that, but she continues before I get the chance. “Don’t tell me you wouldn’t have, Maverick. You wanted to have the perfect family, you would have done anything to maintain that, and you would have grown to resent me even more than you already do. You didn’t do anything wrong, I just realized too late that I wouldn’t be the mom that little girl deserves and the partner that you deserved. But I knew from the moment you stepped up to take care of not only her, but me too,that you were meant to be a dad and a partner to someone who deserves it. That person wasn’t and would never be me.”

Her words hit me like a truth bomb. She’s right, I would have done anything to keep our family together which wouldn’t have been fair to any of us. It doesn’t change the fact that I wish she would have talked to me before leaving, not leaving me to wonder what I did wrong to make her leave and never come back.

“Well, I guess that’s it then. Thanks for clearing that all up for me. I know it wasn’t easy to admit all of that to me today.”

“It feels good to get it out. I should have done it sooner. Thank you for meeting me today.”

I stand and walk with her out of Wake, Bake, Repeat. Finally letting go of my past and moving into my future.

The feeling of sadness lingers over me like a raincloud on a sunny day. I’ve got the answers I’ve needed for years, the relief of knowing my daughter isn’t going anywhere, and the woman I love waiting for me at home. But it doesn’t feel like enough to push that cloud away right now.

38

KODI

YOU’RE FIRED

The front door clicks open as I’m sitting on my bed debating if I should pack the duffle bag that sits on the floor at my feet while Bella plays quietly in the corner with her farmhouse. Since Mav left to meet Lily, my fidget ring has been spinning as fast as those tilt-a-whirl rides at the fair. I don’t know what Lily wants, but I need to be ready to go. Back to Darcy’s couch, back to working at the coffee shop, back to feeling unwanted and unloved.

“What are you doing?” I hear the panic in Mav’s voice before I turn to see his face. When I do turn to him, his eyes are wide, zeroed in on my bag, and he’s got a palm pressed to his chest.

“Mav, it’s not what you think.” I jump up, taking a step closer and he takes one back. “Please, just let me explain. But maybe not right now.”

Bella jumps to her feet when Maverick enters the room, leaping into his arms. I watch as he embraces his daughter, clutching her tightly to his chest and breathing in her presenceas if it’s a lifeline. “Bella, do you want to watch Bluey? Then Daddy and Kodi will join you and we can watch Simba!”

She nods enthusiastically, he settles her on the couch and then leads me to the dining room where we can still have eyes on Bella, but she won’t be able to hear us speaking. “Go ahead Kodi because it looked a lot like you were going to run away before you even knew what was happening after you promised to be here when I got back.” His sternness is like a shot to the chest. It hits me in the heart, ricocheting throughout the rest of my body making me feel weak and lightheaded.

“I. . .” Words have escaped me. I’m choking. I can’t do that right now. He needs to hear what I have to say. I venture a step forward again and this time he stays put. “I just, if she wanted you back, I wouldn’t be able to stay here. I wanted to be ready to go. I was going to pack a bag just in case, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it.”

“She didn’t want that, Kodi.” He sucks in a deep breath, letting it loose on a shaky exhale. “She doesn’t want anything. Not me. Not Bella. Not my money.” His voice becomes more unsteady with each confession.

“Let’s sit down and talk about it. I want to know everything.” I hope by telling him this, he believes that I have no intention of leaving. He pulls out a chair for me then himself at the table, I reach for his hand and he places it in mine. That one gesture grounding me in this moment with all of my fear and anxiety here.

“She doesn’t want any of it. She wants to sign over her rights, and gave me me the paperwork. How can she just not want anything to do with that beautiful little girl we created together? Claimed she isn’t and was never meant to be a mom, but couldn’t bring herself to tell me that, which is why she just disappeared on us.”

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