Page 30 of Shot to the Hart

“Hmm. . .okay. Hand those snacks over here,” I tell her, sipping on my beer. Instead of handing the bowl over, she moves close enough that I can reach, but I’m not touching her. I find myself itching to put my arm around her shoulder and pull her into me just to feel her body against mine again.

When the first episode is over, she turns to me, “So, what did you think?”

“Penny and Leonard have to end up together right?”

“You’ll have to watch and find out.” She smiles mischievously at me.

“Well don’t keep me waiting, start episode two.”

Ever since the guys grill-out last weekend, Kodi and I have found ourselves in this exact place after Bella goes to sleep, watching a few episodes ofBig Bang Theory. I’m finding myself wanting to stay up with her later each night. She’s pragmatic and her eyes crinkle at the sides when she gets really excited. Her laugh brightens any room. Tonight was no different, we moved out to the patio after watching an episode of “our show” since it’s not unbearably hot, drinking beers and watching the stars in the sky.

“Can I ask you a personal question?” Kodi asks, suddenly breaking the tranquil feeling of the night. Trepidation creeps up my spine, I look into her eyes and she seems nervous. I nod in her direction, urging her to continue. “You don’t have to answer this question, but you’re handsome and young, so I am just a little confused. . .I guess?”

My lips tilt up in a sly half smile. “You think I’m handsome?”

“Well, duh. Anyone with eyes would think you’re handsome. Don’t let it get to your head, Big Guy,” she continues. “I’ve just been wondering where Bella’s mom is?”

Uneasiness begins to take over, I fiddle with the lip of my beer bottle for a moment, contemplating if I want to share this story. “Wow, hard hitting questions then. I’ve honestly never really talked to anyone about this except my parents and the guys.”

“I know it might be a tough subject, but if this is something that could affect my ability to care for Bella, I think I’d like to know what I’m getting myself into. Like is her mom going to show up and call me a homewrecker one day without knowing that I’m just the nanny?” Kodi rushes out. I gave up thinking Lily would randomly show up after Bella’s second birthday, another unanswered text, and another stack of paperwork that never showed up signed.

I can’t help but laugh. “Yeah, I doubt that will be a problem. I honestly don’t know where she is. When I was still on the team in Carolina, I was young and would rarely mess around with the bunnies. But one night after a really bad loss, Lily approached me, and I thought that going home with someone would make me feel better, and apparently a terrible pull-out game later, I’m getting a text from Lily of a photo with two pink lines. My parents raised me to be responsible, my dad took care of our family growing up and instilled those same values into me. We met up and discussed what our options were then she signed a bunch of paperwork with Carolina legal team, basically stating that if she ever left our relationship she wouldn’t be able to just come and take Bella or ask for money. She didn’t want to get rid of the baby, and while I wasn’t ready to be a Dad, I felt like it was my responsibility to take care of both of them. I got her pregnant after all.”

My throat is starting to clog a little, so I give myself a break. Kodi reaches for my hand reassuringly, letting me know she is here when I’m ready to continue. As her boss, I shouldn’t be seeking comfort from her but her soothing touch is something I need as I continue to speak, “I moved her into my place, we dated, but there was never really any love there except for the life we created together. When Bella was about two months old, I woke up in the middle of the night to her cries, which was weird because Lily usually took night duty. I felt for Lily beside me in bed, but she wasn’t there, so I got up and went over to the bassinet. After I got Bella calm, I searched all over the house but couldn’t find her. Then I discovered all of her stuff was gone and she wouldn’t answer her phone. I haven’t heard from her since. She doesn’t engage with contact from the legal team and has never sent the parental rights paperwork back.”

Kodi’s grasp on my hand tightens a little and when I look into her eyes, she’s tearing up. Through a shaky breath she says, “Oh Mav. I’m so sorry.” I don’t think she realizes she's doing it, but her thumb is rubbing little circles in a soothing manner while she speaks and it’s keeping me grounded in this moment with her. Another thing I’ve learned about Kodi is that she’s incredibly empathetic towards everyone who crosses her path, and I admire that about her. “Have you always done this alone? Don’t you need a break from time to time?”

Here we go. I don’t know if I’m ready to share this part of my past either. She’s asking me to be even more vulnerable. Talking about Ma though, that is something I haven’t done with anyone except my family and Tatum. Even the guys haven’t heard the full story, they only know that we lost her.

I want to get the words out, but she doesn’t have a child, she might not understand why I don’t give myself that break. My mouth is getting dryer by the second, my eyes are definitely watering. She isn’t rushing me, just waiting and giving me thetime I very clearly need, still rubbing small circles on top of my hand. Taking a deep breath, finally ready enough to speak, “As soon as Lily left, my family stepped up. My Dad, Ma, sister. They all took turns staying in the guest room on late nights or early mornings. My Ma, she was the one who was basically with Bella around the clock when I couldn’t be. She did everything she could to make sure that my little girl knew she was loved when I wasn’t able to be around.”

I glance up into the dark sky heaving a breath. “But one day, about ten months ago, she got sick. She couldn’t get out of bed, couldn’t lift Bella. It came out of nowhere and her health declined rapidly. Then three months later, the cancer won. It hit my family hard. My Dad tries to help, but he’s still grieving and he’s older than Ma was. He’s also decided that he wants to take a step back and focus on himself. My sister and her husband live thousands of miles away. The timing, although unfortunate, worked out in our favor, because we were in off season and I was home more, but with things picking up again that's when we decided we needed help. And then you came along.” I try my best to smile at her, but I know it’s wobbly.

Kodi gives me a reassuring smile back, taking her hand off of mine, and I find myself immediately missing the touch, wanting to pull it back and hold hers in my lap. “Well, I really appreciate you sharing all of that with me. I know it couldn’t have been easy, and I’m grateful and happy that I get to be a part of Bella’s life and yours too.”

“Thank you for giving me the space and the time to tell you about it.”

“Of course, any deep-seated questions for me Mr. Hart?”

“Not really deep seated, more like curiosity getting the better of me.” I think for a moment. “You said it was just you and your mom?”

“That would be correct.” She takes a swig of her beer waiting for me to continue.

“Where’s your dad?”

“Probably galivanting Europe or some other country with Janice and my half siblings. I’d have to care enough to check in on him via social media to know for sure. Since that’s the only way he cares to let me into his life.” She shrugs and while she says she doesn’t care, I can see the wheels turning.

“If you don’t care, why did you add him back?”

“Sheesh, what are you, my therapist?” She chuckles attempting to break the tension, “I don’t know honestly. I was eighteen and thinking maybe that he finally wanted to get to know me. I hoped for ten years that he would come back, and when he finally did, I saw I had two half-siblings I don’t know anything about. When I messaged him to ask ‘why now’, I didn’t get a response.”

I find myself irrationally angry with a man I’ve never met for abandoning her when she was so young. “Well he missed out and doesn’t deserve to know you now.”

“I know.” We sit in silence for a few more moments before I decide to ask her one more question before I know we need to head in for the night.

“Darlin’. One question.”

“One answer.” She smiles at me from her seat across the small, lit fire pit.

---