Page 3 of Full Send

What are you doing right now?

Where are you?

A constant barrage of single word messages or vague questions with zero context and no hint of what’s next. I mean who does that?

Eacherratic, unpredictable ping on my laptop or text message on my phone prompts a new rush of crippling anxiety and a mini panic attack. Sometimes I freeze and shut down, waiting for what’s next. Other times I think I should cut him slack for being an old borderline Boomer that clearly didn’t grow up with texting or DMs to learn modern day communication etiquette. Then I remember the near constant anxiety spiral he causes and thinkhell no, do fucking better.

Each year that goes by like this, my self doubt grows. I’ve given up so much while focusing on work, with practically no social life outside of my brother Collin, and Lizzy.

I look over to Lizzy. Shit. I’ve been zoned out too long. As if she’s been reading my mind, she’s eyeing me, a finger resting on her lips.

“So… a cowboy for me. But what about you V, what have you beencraving?” she asks, raising her eyebrows as a grin takes shape.

The question is perfectly timed, but I’m still caught off guard and nearly choke on my water.

“Ughhhh. What?” I ask, still not sure what she’s getting at.

“What doyouwant, V? It’s vacation, we can have some fun out there, find some fuckboys or fuckcowboys. Is that a thing?” she says, looking up, holding her chin between her thumb and finger, pondering her own question. I notice the man in the row next to us shift awkwardly in his seat and cover his mouth, trying not to laugh at Lizzy’s question.

“Lizzy. No, not happening. You know I don’t have time for a dating life, and even if I did, have you seen the options out there? The dating pool is practically empty.” I wipe my lips with the back of my hand, cleaning off the water I spit out.

“Oh come on. I know you want to find that special someone.” She pushes, clearly enjoying how uncomfortable she’s making me, as I try to sink further into the seat to hide.

“Nope, not doing this right now,” I say, putting my hand up trying to move her off of this topic.”Let’s stay focused on finding your cowboy.”

She’s not wrong though. It’s certainly not that I don’t want to find someone, to findlove. I would kill to find…my person.

A partner to come home to and enjoy dinner with after a long hard day. A companion to tell me everything is going be ok when I’m doom spiraling. A lover to hold me before bed, feeling their breath against the back of my neck as I drift off to sleep, and ok fine, doother thingswith. A man that looks at me like I’m the only person in their entire world. One that lights a fire deep inside me and makes the hair on my skin stand just by being near me.

I want that. I want all of it.

But dating is hard.

The apps, waiting for a text back, getting stood up, all of it just adds a layer of uncertainty to my life, one I’m not sure I can handle right now. It just doesn’t feel worth it. Thinking about this now as I sit on the plane, I feel the tension growing in my face, the harbinger of possible tears in my near future.

No V, we are absolutely not doing this now. No crying on vacation.

“Well, I don’t know about you, but I’m ready for two weeks off work and on the slopes. You sure you’re ready for a real mountain?” I say with a wink. The question was rhetorical of course.

Lizzy is a great skier who’s spent countless winters with her family in Aspen Valley, Utah. Is that the same as the steep chutes and powder at Jackson Hole, where Collin and I have been skiing since we could barely walk? No, but she can handle herself on the slopes.

“Ha. Very funny V. You know I’m always ready for a challenge. Besides, you’ll be out in Aspen Valley with me in February, so you’ll get to see for yourself if you think it’s that easy of a mountain.” Even after years of living with her in college, I still forget how she makes everything seem so easy and effortless.

If you could sum Lizzy up in two words, it would beAlways. On.All smiles, ready for a night out, a spin class, dessert, an impromptu girls trip, you name it. She’s always ready with a snarky come back prepared, like a grown version of a character from Mean Girls.

While I toiled away back home in Midwestern mid-level corporate purgatory, Lizzy did in fact get an internship at an exciting start-up on the west coast. She spent her first 4 years after college working there before moving home to Dayton. That shiny, exciting tech startup internship and early work on her résumé, combined with her firecracker personality, seemed to open up doors for her to climb the ladder faster. By the time she joined me at Fischer, she came in asa Director, albeit in our finance department.

It sucks, but it is what it is and I’m proud of her. She’s an amazing friend and works hard for what she has.

I look over at Lizzy. Even on the short flight, she has a book out she started on the first connecting flight this morning. This one is calledScorned and Spurred.The bright orange and blue cover has clipart of a cowboy with his arms crossed watching a cute girl walk by.

I clear my throat, getting her attention. “Did you really bring cowboy smut for this trip, Lizzy?”

She looks up at me startled, then rolls her eyes at me exhaling. “Don’t be such a prude, V. Just doing my homework, you know? I gotta get in the zone if I’m going to go cowboy hunting. You should take notes. You could use a little more excitement in your life.”

I let out a little chuckle.“Yeah, I’m down for some excitement on the mountain too. The fresh crisp cool air, the beauty of the Tetons, a few nights out for drinks, maybe I’ll even be your wing-womanwhile you hunt down that cowboy.”

That last line gets a laugh out of her.

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