Page 88 of Full Send

When he puts the truck in park at the condo, I reach to open my door, but am caught by his hand on my elbow. He slides his hand down my arm to hold my hand, stopping me from leaving.

“Ronni,” he practically whispers, his voice softer and more restrained. “You don’t have to do this. You don’t have to go back. Just stay here. We will figure it out, remember? Can we please just take a beat and talk this out?”

The pleading look in his eyes nearly shatters my heart. But I can’t do this. I have to go. My mind is a frantic mess.

“I’m sorry, Tanner. This is the real world, business doesn’t wait. There are consequences for delays. I can’t just sayfuck itand abandon them, not right now. There are expectations we have to meet. Not all of us live in a fairy tale like you, just saying screw it and doing whatever we want, whenever we want.” I look down at my boots, unable to look him in the eyes, afraid that if I do, I won’t be able to leave.

“Then don’t go,” he says, his voice now jagged and harsh. “That’s a shitty way to live, constantly in fear of losing a shitty job that makes you miserable anyways. They’re counting on you to rollover and give in, to be a sucker. And they aren’t going to reward you for it either. It’s not worth it. Stop wasting your life on something that brings you down like that place does. You don’t need that, and they don’t deserve you. Just quit. Fuck them.”

“Excuse me! A shitty job? Wasting my life? What would you know about building a career, Tanner?” I can feel my fists clench as I pull my hand away from his. “I worked really fucking hard, Tanner, to make a career for myself. I’ve spent over a decade to get where I am and I’m fucking good at it. I should have known you wouldn’t get it. You never take anything seriously, you don’t even have a real job. Grow up already.”

I wince as I hear the words come out of my own mouth. Shit, that was harsh. I didn’t mean that, but it’s too late.

“You’re right. Maybe I should grow up and be more like you. Give up on the things I’ve always wanted,like you,” he says, his hands trembling.

“I’m sorry, Tanner. I can’t do this right now,” I say, reaching to open the door again and starting to step out of the truck. “I have to go. I have to focus on my job. I have to get ready to leave.”

“Wait, Ronni! Please don’t le-.” His voice is cut off as I slam the door behind me.

Fuck. What did I just do?

I practically run away from the truck towards the door to the mudroom, afraid to look back, not wanting him to see the tears running down my face. But I have to do this. I’ve spent most of my adult life trying to make this career into what I want. I can’t just waste it now. I need to show them how serious and committed I am.

I rush into the condo, streaking past Collin and Lizzy at the dining room table having breakfast. Throwing my bag down in the bunk-room, I’m sobbing, but I don’t care. I have to pack and call the airline.

I grab my suitcase, throwing it on the bottom bunk, haphazardly throwing everything of mine I can see into it. I can feel the sweat running down my forehead as my panicked breathing fills my ears. I notice Collin and Lizzy standing in the doorway, throwing me off just a second before I continue furiously packing anything of mine I can find.

Fuck me. My heart is being torn apart by fighting factions within me. Hopeful Veronica wants to stay and fight for Tanner and a life with him. I told him he could trust me. I can’t hurt him, not with how much he’s opened up to me, how much of himself he’s given me. Practical Veronica is mad at herself for thinking this could work without having a real plan instead of just livingin the moment. Career Veronica is panicking, desperate to do what she thinks is expected of her.

“Hey. What’s wrong? What happened?” Collin says, trying to stay calm but obviously concerned by the look on his face.

“Jeff. He called. He needs me at the meeting. I have to go,” I say, barely able to form sentences between sobs. I can feel my knees trembling and I try not to completely break down.

“What are you talking about, V?” Lizzy asks, resting a hand on my shoulder trying to calm me.

“He has an emergency at Princeton and has to go. Earth SnaX is already on their way from Oregon. We can’t reschedule tomorrow’s presentation. I have to go give it.” I struggle to get the words out still, my chest heaving as I stop packing for a second to look at them.

“Fuck. Are you ok? Wait, where’s Chap?” Collin asks, sensing there’s more wrong than just the mess with work.

“I don’t know,” I sob, the words almost indistinguishable. “He didn’t want me to go and we argued about it. He said my career was stupid, I was wasting my life. I got mad and I told him he needed to grow up.”

Hearing my own words out loud, I’m terrified and angry. He hurt me, insulted me, but I hurt him too I’m sure. I want to fix it and make this pain go away, but I have to leave. He’s probably angry at me.

No. Oh no. I think back to what he told me the night before about his mom, that wound he opened wide to share with me. The one I just poured salt right into. I told him he could say what’s on his mind, even when it’s bad and I just threw it back into his face. “Collin. I fucked up. I hurt him.”

I explain what Tanner told me the night before about his mom. Collin and Lizzy are dead silent for what feels like forever, Collin visibly shaken.

But what can I even do? I don’t have enough time to fix this. I have obligations back at work to take care of. This is my chance to finally make it where I want to go at Fischer, to push my career where I’ve been trying to take it for so long. To show them that I’m committed and have what it takes. I have to do this. How can he not get that?

My thoughts start to overwhelm me. My mind is spinning, my heart feels like it’s going to break or burst through my chest, whatever gives out first. I fall to my knees, leaning over the bottom bunk on my elbows, sobbing into my hands.

“Hey hey hey, lil sis,” Collin hushes. “Everything’s gonna be fine. I promise. We’ll get through this. What can I do to help?” Collin drops to the ground on his knees with me, holding me tight. I feel my breathing start to slow, his hug acting like a security blanket trying to ground me.

“I don’t know what to do,” I cry into his shoulder as Lizzy joins the group hug on the bedroom floor.

“Hey girl, we got you. You can trust us, it’s going to be ok,” she says, looking at Collin, both of them nodding. “Collin, go find Chap.” She’s calm with no sign of her snarky sassy self. It’s eerie but oddly reassuring to hear her this way, empathetic for a change. My brain can’t shake her words though,trust us. Tanner’s voice is in the back of my head, telling me I can trust him, trust Collin and Lizzy. Fuck, I miss him already.

She looks back to me. “I’ll get you packed. Go ahead and call the airline, ok?”

---