Page 84 of Full Send

“So then why are we here?” I watch her take another drink of her coffee, looking out at the clearing and then back to me.

“It’s where I like to come and think. We’re far from any of the developed parts of town or the village.” I stop to look at her, my hand running over her cheek before I point up towards the sky. “If you look up, you can still see stars on a clear night. The owner and his family don’t come down here very often, so I see a lot of wildlife too.”

I can hear myself exhale. I do love coming to this spot. But with Ronni here, it’s surreal. I can tell I’d be fine to open up more too. There’s so much I’ve thought of here, in this spot, over the years. I’ve been sad, missing Collin, my family, and her. I’ve dreamt of what it would be like to be with her right here in this clearing.

And now, I’m finally sitting here with her, wanting to tell her all of it. But I know there’s only so much time before she has to go back and we have so much to figure out.

“Hey.” She’s looking back at me, her eyes asking me to keep going. “What’s going on in that head of yours?”

“Geez,” I snort. “You really do see right through me now.”

She nods at me and I can tell she’s hoping I’ll open up more. I watch her as she looks at Rex, scratching his head between us.

“I’ve always dreamt about sharing these nights with you. I’ve thought about you coming out with me on these runs, what life would be like if you were here all the time. And I don’t think there’s anything more in the world I could want than a life with you.”

“I sense there’s abut?” she asks, her face still close to mine, her eyebrows raised in anticipation of what’s on my mind.

I sigh, looking down at the steering wheel and then to Rex, putting my hand on him to try and stay calm.

“I just… I don’t want you to feel like you have to give up your life in Ohio because of me. I’ve never felt like I was good enough, worthy enough, for someone like you to do something like that for me. I know it’s crazy to think that so soon, but what we have, it just feels so right and I want it to last forever. I don’t know what I need to do. I just know I’ll do anything for you.”

She puts her other hand on mine, cupping it in both of hers now, her soft fingers stroking the back of it. I can hear her inhale deeply, getting ready to say something.

“Tanner. I love you. So, so much.” Her eyes are sparkling, begging me to trust her and I do. “We will figure it out. Just please, keep fighting for it. You’re not alone, in life or in this. I can’t picture a life without you either now. It could be here, Dayton, a mix of both, whatever it looks like, we’ll figure it out. Together.”

Hearing her say that is like a weight lifted off my chest. “Thanks, Ronni. I love you too. I promise I will fight for this. Let’s make the most of the next few nights and work on everything else.”

She smiles back at me, but I can tell she’s thinking about something. “Why are you so afraid to do that, Tanner? To open up and share? You’re good at doing it with me.”

That is not the question I was expecting. Not at all. One I’ve avoided thinking about for a decade. I can feel my body go rigid just thinking about the answer. But for her, I want to do this. I lower my head, closing my eyes, almost afraid to look back at her. The silence lingers for what feels like ages before I finally speak.

“It’s not that I’m afraid to open up and share my feelings, Ronni. That’s not it.” I start, taking comfort in how she’s holding my hand. “Well maybe at first it was. It’s easier to share the fun stuff, the happy things though. I’ve gotten so much better about that. It’s the unpleasant stuff, sharing the things that are upsetting me, my burdens.”

Her voice is soft and soothing. “Why don’t you want to share those? I get you don’t want to tell just anyone, but you have people who care about you and love you. You can talk to them.”

I feel her hand gripping mine tighter. “That’s exactly what I am afraid of. Back when my parents first moved to Salt Lake with Grace and Clay, it was supposed to be temporary while they were in school. But after Grace graduated and got a job and stayed there, they had all built a life there.”

I open my eyes and look at her. Her eyes are locked on to me, watching me. “What’s that have to do with sharing the bad stuff, telling people how you feel?”

I close my eyes again, taking in a deep breath. “Because that’s the last conversation I had with my mom. She called to tell me that they were going to stay there, move there permanently. I had always hoped that they were going to come back. I was so upset, it already felt so lonely here. I didn’t hold back. I told her I was upset about it. She was so excited to tell me and I took that away from her. We were both mad at each other.”

I look back at her, rubbing the bit of moisture from the corner of my eye with the back of my forearm. “Neither of us wanted to give in. Dad finally got me to agree to call her after work a few weeks later. But before I was even done with work that night, I got a call from dad. It was the night of the accident. She… she was gone and there was nothing I could do to take it back.”

A few stray tears runs down from her beautiful hazel eyes. Her voice is almost a whisper. “Tanner. I… I had no idea. Does anyone know this? I’m so sorry.”

“Dad does. But that’s it.” My heart is pounding. I’ve never shared this with anyone else and it feels good to get it off my chest, even if the pain of reliving those feelings is almost unbearable. “But since then, I’ve just wanted to keep my own problems, my own shit, to myself. I don’t want to burden anyone else. I don’t want my problems to be something that comes between me and the people I love and care about.”

I take in her face, her eyes, the way she’s looking at me. There’s no judgement, no pity. Just compassion. “Tanner. I’m so sorry you felt like that was your fault, like you had to carry that around alone. I can’t imagine it. But that doesn’t mean you have to keep punishing yourself either. You were both adults. People make mistakes.”

“That doesn’t change how it feels. I’m terrified of that happening again, of driving someone else I love away,” I say through clenched teeth.

She grabs my chin, tilting it up, forcing me to look into her eyes. “You need to forgive yourself and let yourself feel safe enough to tell people how you really feel, the good and the bad. It’s not going to end badly every time. Sure it might be unpleasant when you tell someone something they don’t want to hear, but you keep coming back to them. You come back to each other when you love someone. If you’re worried about us, I’m not naive enough to think we won’t have bad days. But trust that I’m going to keep loving you. Just keep fighting for it, keep coming back to each other. Promise me that.”

Her words put my mind at ease. She’s right. And for her, I’ll do whatever it takes. “I will always come back to you, Ronni. Always."

I lean over Rex, hugging her, savoring the way she rests her head on my shoulders and the smell of her hair. It feels like I can exhale finally after holding in a breath for ages.

We sit here for a few more minutes watching the snow fall around us. I finally notice some movement on the edges of the clearing, the reason I came down here in the first place.

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