Page 32 of Penalized Love

“It wasn’t like that. I didn’t just wake up and decide to end things on a whim.”

“Then explain it to me,” I challenge, leaning back in my chair and crossing my arms over my chest. “Because I think I deserve an explanation after all these years.”

Asher drums his fingers against the table, and I can see the wheels turning in his head. “You’re right. You deserve an explanation.” He pauses, his gaze dropping to the table before he looks back up at me. “The truth is, I was struggling. With balancing hockey, academics, and things going on with my family. It was a lot of pressure, and I felt like I was drowning.”

I frown, trying to process his words. “But why didn’t you talk to me about it? We could have figured it out together.”

He shakes his head. “I didn’t want to burden you with my problems. We were just kids, and you had your whole life and college career ahead of you.”

I grip the edge of the table to stop myself from slamming my hand down on the table. Thoughts about whether people are watching our interaction cross my mind, but I’ve given up caring. “That’s bullshit, and you know it, Asher. We were supposed to be a team…. we talked about our future and what we were going to do when I came to Crestwood the following year. We were supposed to be in love!”

Maybe Brewed Beginnings isn’t the best place to have this conversation, but I’m doing my best to keep my voice low. The sounds coming from the espresso machines and the soft chatter of other patrons create a background noise that makes me think few people are paying attention to us. I don’t want the tide to shift, and we become a spectacle.

Asher’s gaze narrows at me. “I loved you more than anything. Don’t ever think I didn’t. Even with all the things that happened, never for a second doubt my love for you.”

His words hit me like a punch to the gut, and for a moment, it feels like I can’t breathe. I didn’t expect to hear the conviction in his voice or the raw emotion. The feelings I thought I did a good job of burying over the years rise to the surface, and I’m trying to hold back tears. I’m not sure if he is waiting for me to say something else, but I can’t find the words right away.

My hands reach for the mug again because it’s become a safety blanket for me. I take a minute to decide what I’m going to say, and while I’m worried about whether my voice will hold, I know it needs to be said. “How could you love someone and break their heart?”

Asher’s face falls, and I can see my words have hit their mark. “I thought I was doing the right thing,” he says quietly. “In my mind and heart, I was protecting you. The last thing I wanted was for you to be dragged into the chaos of my life, among other things.”

I shake my head as I tighten my grip around the mug. Chances are I can’t break it, but given the emotions surging through me, I might develop super strength. “You didn’t protect me, Asher. You left me with no explanation, no closure. Do you know how many nights I stayed up wondering what I did wrong to deserve this?”

“You did nothing wrong, Isla. It was all on me. I was the one who messed up.”

I laugh without a hint of humor in my tone. “You’re damn right, you messed up. But that still doesn’t explain why you did it. If you loved me as much as you claim, why would you just cut me out of your life like that?”

He takes a deep breath. “It is because of all the things I listed and because you’re Coach Johnson’s daughter. I was afraid that if he found out about us, my collegiate hockey career would be on the line. I couldn’t risk losing my scholarship, the potential at NIL deals, and my spot on the team.”

My mouth drops open and closed, probably making me look like a fish. I reel back, and my mouth falls open again because I’m in shock. “Are you serious right now? You broke up with me because of my dad? Because you were afraid of what he might do?”

“Yes, I was worried about what your dad might do if he found out about us. He’s always been protective of you, and I didn’t want to jeopardize my future. Hockey is everything to me, Isla. It’s my ticket to a better life. Hell, he helped me when I didn’t have housing when I first got here, and I repay him by dating his daughter behind his back?”

I stare at Asher as I think about his words. Part of me understands where he’s coming from. My dad can be intimidating, especially when it comes to Grace and me. But the other part of me is furious that Asher let his fear dictate our relationship without consulting me.

“So instead of talking to me and trusting in what we had, you just ended things? Without even giving me a chance to have a say?” My voice is rising as the hurt and anger I’ve had for years is making its presence known.

Asher runs a hand through his hair. “I know I handled it poorly. I was young and stupid, and I thought I was doing the right thing. But I’ve regretted it every day since.”

“I appreciate you telling me the truth, but you can’t just say that and expect it to fix everything,” I finally manage, my voice barely above a whisper. “You hurt me, Asher. More than I ever thought possible. And now you expect me to just forgive and forget?”

He shakes his head, his eyes pleading. “No, of course not, but I hope this is the first step for us to at least build a professional relationship.”

I agree with him. As much as I want to hold on to the anger and hurt, I know that since we’re working together, we must move forward.

“I appreciate your honesty, Asher. It doesn’t erase what happened, but it helps to know your reasons, even if I disagree with how you handled things. You’re right. We need to figure out how to work together professionally. But that’s all this is.”

“I get it, and I wasn’t expecting us to go back to how things were. I just want us to coexist without all the tension and awkwardness.”

“It’s going to take time,” I warn him. “I can’t just flip a switch and pretend like nothing happened. But I’m willing to try for the sake of the team and our jobs.”

“That’s all I can ask for.” He offers me a small smile. “Thank you for hearing me out, Isla.”

I return his smile as a mixture of emotions swirl inside me: relief that we had this conversation, anger that it took so long,and bittersweet nostalgia for what we once had and will never have again. “Thanks for explaining things.”

Asher nods, his shoulders relaxing slightly. “I should have done it a long time ago.”

“Well, better late than never, I suppose.” I finish my now lukewarm hot chocolate. “I guess we both had some growing up to do.”

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