Page 29 of Penalized Love

Instead, I pace around my room like a caged animal as my thoughts race even more than they did during the game. Who the hell does Knox think he is? I know his mind drifts toward hookups at this point in his life, but that’s not how I would characterize my relationship with Isla at all. His even hinting at it made me see fucking red.

My steps stop when I hear a knock on the door. Part of me wants to ignore it, but it’s useless because whoever it is knows I’m in here. I walk over and open the door to find Blaise standing in front of me.

“Can we talk?” He phrased it as a question, but I know he won’t take no for an answer.

I hesitate, but then step aside to let him in. Blaise, like me, has always been level-headed, which is probably why he came up to talk to me. He knows this isn’t usually how I handle things.

He takes a seat on my desk chair as I plop down onto the edge of my bed.

“You want to tell me what that was all about?” Blaise prompts gently.

I exhale heavily, staring at the floor. “Knox was running his mouth about Isla. Acting like she’s just some piece of ass.”

Blaise nods slowly. “Coach’s daughter? And that bothers you because...?”

“Because she’s not,” I snap, looking over at him. I don’t feel like going through this line of questioning again.

Blaise holds up his hands as if he isn’t trying to be offensive. “I’m not saying she is, man. But you’ve got to admit, your reaction was intense as fuck. What’s the deal with you two, anyway?”

I run a hand through my hair. “We used to date, okay? It started just before our freshmen year and lasted a few months into the school year. It was serious.” I almost mention how I fucked it all up, but I’m not sure if that is necessary.

Blaise’s eyebrows shoot up before his facial expression becomes neutral once again. “Shit, I had no idea. No wonder you got so pissed at Knox.”

“Yeah, well, it’s not something I like to advertise,” I mutter. “We kept things quiet because of Coach. The breakup was horrible, and I still regret it.”

Blaise leans back in the chair, studying me carefully. “Do you still have feelings for her?”

I want to deny it, but what’s the point? My reaction downstairs said it all. “I’m not sure. I don’t know her anymore. When she joined the team, it was the first time we’d spoken in three years.”

“Wow. I can’t imagine how it must feel to have her back in your life after all this time.”

I nod slowly. “It’s fucking with my head, Blaise. Seeing her again has led to all these old feelings rushing back. But I know we can’t go back to how things were before and that we are very different people than we were back then.”

“Did you love her?”

Blaise’s question makes my entire world stop turning. If you were to ask me if time has halted completely, I would say yes because that is how much of an impact his words have on me. For a moment, I can’t move, think, or process the significance of the question. The silence in the room continues as I try to find the words to say to voice my opinion.

I rub a hand across my face before I respond, “I did.” And on some level, I still do, but once again, admitting that out loud isn’t something I’m ready to do.

While Blaise and I have a good relationship, I rarely share things like this with people outside of Levi. Blaise is the kind of guy you can count on, but our conversations typically stay surface-level—hockey, school, etc. Levi, on the other hand, knows all my shit. He’s the one who’s seen me at my lowest and still stuck around.

“That’s heavy, man. I can see why you’re so torn up about this.”

I let out a humorless chuckle. “Yeah, well, it’s not like I have much of a choice. We’ll see each other a lot now that she’s working with the team. That’s why I was talking to her after the game.”

“Oh?”

“I wanted to talk to her to see if we could chat privately at some point. To clear the air, so to speak.”

“That makes sense.” Blaise pauses for a second before he continues. “Sounds like a good idea and a way to move forward because there’ll be no way either of you can escape one anotherunless the other quits. Plus, it could be an opportunity to open the door for something else.”

My gaze narrows at him. “What, like try to be friends or something?”

Blaise shrugs. “Maybe. Or just find some closure. It could remove some of the guilt that you’re obviously still carrying.”

He hit the nail on the head. “That’s an understatement.” I stand up and start pacing again, unable to sit still any longer. “There’s so much I would change regarding what I did and didn’t do. But I think there isn’t much I can do besides apologize. I tried on the fly when I saw her again for the first time in years, but it didn’t go well.”

“Yeah, that sounds rough, and I know you’re trying to make amends, but Isla also doesn’t have to forgive you. Knox was being an ass, and you know how he gets when he sees he can press someone’s buttons to get a reaction out of them.”

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