Page 85 of Sidelined Love

“I feel happy, so I guess it's shining through. I'll start with my dad. Things are getting better there. He's actively dating and he's happy, which is what I wanted most of all.”

“And has it changed your relationship with him in any way?”

“It has,” I admit, folding my hands in my lap. “At first, as you know, I was really worried about how his dating would affect us. But seeing him happy has helped me see things differently. Our relationship has actually gotten stronger. We're more open with each other now.”

“That's a significant shift, it sounds like you're coming to terms with change, both in your father's life and your own. Does this influence your feelings when it comes to Levi?”

“I think so because we are officially dating now,” I announce.

Emily's eyebrows raise slightly with surprise, but her smile doesn't shift. “That’s wonderful news. How are you feeling about this new development?”

I tuck a strand of hair behind my ear and let out a deep breath. “Excited, but still nervous because this is all so new. We're keeping things low key for now, which works for me. The thought of his… celebrity for lack of a better word, still makes me concerned.”

“It's perfectly normal to be apprehensive about what you don't know since none of us can predict the future. But it seems like you're handling things well by setting boundaries that make you comfortable.”

“Yeah, I guess you could say that. I've also been debating going to one of his hockey games.”

“That's a big step given what you've mentioned before. Is this because of the change in your relationship status?”

I play with the hem of my sweater as I consider how I want to answer the question. Finally, the words come to me although they aren’t as elegant as I would like. “It's a bit of that, and I want to be there for him. His mother hardly attends his games anymore and his father is an asshole to him. He doesn't have someone who roots for him in the crowd that he knows personally, and I want to be that person.”

“That's thoughtful of you and it sounds like you're willing to step outside your comfort zone for Levi. Make sure you’re also taking care of your own needs in the process.”

I nod, because isn't that what I've been trying to find all along? Balance. The tightrope between following my routines and trying something new. This is definitely veering into the territory of throwing myself into the deep end though.

“I think it's important for me to try. Levi has his own struggles, especially with the loss of his brother and the pressure he's under as a result. His dad is… it's a lot. And I might not understand everything about hockey or the fans, but I get what it's like to feel alone surrounded by people.”

Those words hit me harder than I thought they would and the fact that they came out of my mouth says a lot. I hate that I understand the feeling of being alone, to be abandoned by the person who is supposed to love you the most.

I can see the gears turning in her mind as she processes what I've said. “What I'm about to say might sound strange but hear me out. Sharing someone else's burdens doesn't mean you have to carry them. Remember, it's about offering support, not fixing everything.”

I take in a slow breath and let it out. Fixing things has always been my go-to. It is a coping mechanism, making me feel as if I have control in a life that was filled by chaos after my mother left. But she's right; I can't patch up Levi's past any more than I can change my own.

“I think I'm going to talk Jade about going, and if I finally decide to do it, keep it a surprise from Levi. No matter the outcome of his game, I hope that my presence there will make his day brighter.” Having a tentative plan helps with my anxiety about all of this.

“That's a great idea. During our next session, you can tell me what you decided, and if you did go, how it went.”

“Thank you,” I say as I stand. “I'll definitely have a lot to talk about next time.”

As I step out of Emily’s office and walk toward my apartment, the only thing on my mind is Levi and this hockey game. There is little doubt in my mind that Jade is going to encourage me to go, but she'll have my back no matter what I decide to do.

By the time I reach my door, I'm pretty sure I know my decision about the hockey game, but I'm ready to chat with Jade. I unlock the door and the first words out of my mouth are, “Jade? Are you home?”

“Yeah! I'm in my room. Give me a second.”

I take off my outer gear, hang it up, and drop my bag near my bedroom door. While I'm doing this, I hear some shuffling before Jade emerges from her room. Her curly black hair is pulled up in a ponytail and she's wearing an oversized black sweatshirt and dark gray leggings.

“What's up?” she asks, plopping down on the couch.

I take a seat next to her. “So, I had therapy today and talked to my therapist about going to one of Levi's hockey games. Maybe surprise him?”

Jade's eyes grow wide. “Whoa, really? That would be a huge step for you.”

“Yeah, it's kind of scary for me to think about being there, but I want to support him. He works so hard, and his family… is pretty shit at cheering him on. Well… at least his father is.”

“Aw, that's really sweet of you,” Jade says. “I'm sure he would love it if you went. I'll go with you too! It'll be fun.”

I smile, thankful that she also wants to come. Not that I thought she wouldn't. “That would be amazing. But I'd need to figure out a way to keep a low profile. I don't want the spotlight on me whatsoever, and there's already been some chatter about us being a thing.”

---