Page 56 of Sidelined Love

“Hey, it's okay,” Emily says softly, passing me a tissue from her desk. “I know this is difficult, Hailey. You're trying to heal old wounds and that can be a painful process, but you have already shown so much courage just by coming and talking to me.”

I swallow hard and dab at my eyes with the tissue. Emily is right. I have come a long way since my mother left all those years ago. Therapy has helped me continue to process my pain and start building back my sense of self-worth. Levi stirs up intense emotions in me, but it doesn't mean I should run away from it.

“Maybe I'm ready to try having an honest conversation with Levi,” I say quietly. “I want to figure out what this is, even if the thought terrifies me.”

She smiles. “That's wonderful, Hailey.”

Emily and I talk through how I will approach the conversation with Levi. I want to be open about my fears and I also want to listen to his thoughts about all of this.

By the end of the session, I feel a new sense of hope about my situation. Emily has helped me get clarity on my feelings and given me the confidence to have this discussion with him. As I leave her office and walk back to my apartment after the appointment, I feel lighter, but that could be due to the crying session I had a few minutes prior.

When I get home, Jade is sitting on the couch working on a homework assignment. She looks up when I come in.

“Hey! How was therapy?” she asks.

I sigh and plop down on the couch next to her. “It was good. Rough but good.”

Jade closes her laptop and turns to face me. “Do you want to talk about anything?”

Even though I just saw Emily, I want to let Jade in on a part of it too. She's my best friend and knows about my struggles with dealing with my mom even though she wasn't in my life when it happened.

“I'm so afraid of getting hurt again, you know?” I confess. “My mom really did a number on me, and I've mostly avoided entanglements with other people while being here, but this is a different ball game. Or should I say hockey game?”

My little joke makes Jade chuckle as she grabs my hand and squeezes it supportively. “I get that, I really do. But not every person is going to hurt you like she did. Sometimes you need to take a chance, and it's obvious that Levi has been trying to get your attention if it's something you're truly interested in.”

“You think so?”

Jade nods. “I really do. I've seen the way Levi looks at you when we've all been together. That guy is smitten.”

“Who says smitten anymore?”

“What's wrong with that? It's just another way to say he has feelings for you, Hailey. Do you want me to say he wants a situationship with you? I'm willing to bet he wants at least that and more. It's been a while since you've gotten laid so it wouldn't be the worst thing…” Her voice trails off as she shrugs.

That makes me laugh. “Fine. I get your point. I should probably text him back.”

“I agree. Do it and get it over with.”

I take a deep breath and pull out my phone. I stare at the screen for a moment before I finally find Levi's name and open up our message thread.

Me: Hey, sorry for not getting back to you sooner. I've been doing a lot of thinking and I'd really like the chance to talk in person too. Why don't we keep our usual chess lesson time and talk then?

I stare at the message for a long moment, my finger lingering over the send button. The doubt is still there, but I know this is a step I need to take. Before I can overthink it further, I hit send, turn my phone's sound up, and set the device down.

“There. It's done,” I say, looking up at Jade.

She grins and pulls me into a hug. “That's my girl!”

I can't help but smile too as I return the embrace. Despite my nerves, it feels good to put myself out there once more, just in a different way.

I get up from the couch, suddenly feeling restless after sending that text to Levi. My phone sits face down on the coffee table, and I resist the urge to pick it up and check for a response.

Because there shouldn't be one since my ringer is on and it hasn't rung.

“I'm going to make something to eat. Want anything?” I ask Jade. This is a distraction I desperately need, and I know doing homework right now wouldn't provide it.

“Ooh yes, I'll take whatever you're having,” she says.

I head to the kitchen and start rummaging through the fridge and cabinets, pulling out ingredients almost at random. My mind is only half focused on the task at hand. I settle on making grilled cheese sandwiches and tomato soup because it's easy and will keep me busy for the time being.

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