Page 55 of Sidelined Love

There. It isn't the most eloquent message of all time, but I hope it will do the trick. Now all I have to do is wait to see what her response will be.

22

HAILEY

Days later, I find myself back in Emily’s office, staring at her and wondering what the hell my life has become. I need someone to talk to and she is the person that makes the most sense. Talking to Jade would have also been helpful, but that would mean admitting everything that happened at Sapphire Tavern to her. Then again, I suspect she had a good idea about what occurred. While I plan on eventually telling her, I need to get my thoughts straight first. Discussing this with my father is the last thing I want to do at this point, given the new stage he is moving toward in his life. Not to mention, hello awkwardness.

Regardless, my mind is a complete mess and feels as if it's spiraling out of control because I can't make sense of it. But I'm not sure where to begin.

Thankfully, she speaks first. “Welcome back, Hailey. How is everything going?”

“It's going is about all I can say. They’re a lot of moving pieces and I'm not sure which piece to focus on first.”

“Hmmm… okay. What's the biggest moving piece? Or the thing that is bothering you the most right now? Maybe we can start with that first, if you want?”

I nod my head slowly, trying to gather the courage to admit what has been bothering me the most. “It's Levi. We had an… incident at the bar this weekend, and I'm trying to process how I feel about it.”

“What happened?”

I can feel the heat rising to my cheeks as I share the details of my encounter with Levi. Embarrassment grows within me as I recount the events that led to Levi's impulsive kiss and my kissing him back. It's awkward to be admitting this, but I need to tell her in order for her to help me process my feelings.

“And after he kissed you, you left?” Emily prompts, urging me to finish the whole story.

“Yes. Like my ass was on fire.” I blow out a huge breath of air. “I needed space from… from whatever this thing between us is turning into.”

Emily doesn't flinch at my colorful metaphor. “Space can be healthy, but talking it out with him, since he didn't harm you in any way, might have also been a good idea, don’t you think?”

“I know, and part of it was because I was drinking, although not that much,” I admit, tapping my foot to an imaginary beat. “In the past, when my fight or flight response kicks in, I’ve always done the flight thing, which is what happened that night and probably would have happened quicker if my instincts hadn't short-circuited. I'm not used to someone… someone like him being interested in me.”

Emily taps her pen on her chin for a couple of seconds before she says, “Is it Levi himself that's causing these feelings, or could it be what he represents? The possibility of being hurt again?”

I hadn't thought of it that way, but as soon as she says it, something clicks inside me. Levi isn't just any guy. Whateveris happening between us is a test of whether I can take a risk on someone and not be fearful that they’ll abandon me like my mother did.

“It's both,” I reply after a long pause. “Not to mention, he has some of his own things he needs to work through. Plus, I'm not a huge fan of the amount of attention that he gets for being a star hockey player on campus. Hell, maybe I'm jumping the gun on all of this and I'm overthinking like usual.”

Emily nods thoughtfully. “You're right; entering a relationship means intertwining your life with someone else's struggles and dreams. But remember, Hailey, you bring your own strengths into this equation. Your empathy and understanding could be exactly what someone like Levi needs.”

“I don't know. There's still the whole limelight issue and my panicking when I ran away from him a few nights ago. He sent me a text message, apologizing to me and asking to meet up so we can talk about it. I haven't responded to him yet.”

“And you want to talk to him, right?”

I nod, but for some reason can’t say the words out loud.

Emily offers a gentle smile, as if she's read my silence loud and clear. “I'm glad he reached out because there's a conversation that needs to happen between you two. Communication is key in any relationship, friendship or otherwise.”

I let out a long sigh, dragging my hands down my face. It takes everything not to pull on my bun. “You're right. I know I need to talk to him. I'm just scared.”

“What scares you the most about having an honest conversation with Levi?”

I pause, chewing my bottom lip as I consider her question. “Outside of everything that would come with being involved with him, I guess, on the flip side… I'm scared he'll reject me. Tell me he made a mistake or got caught up in the moment. Or that he'llend up confirming I'm too closed off and difficult for someone like him to date.”

“Those are understandable concerns,” Emily says gently. “But you won't know how Levi truly feels unless you communicate openly with him. Give him a chance to share his perspective too. He might surprise you.”

I nod slowly, knowing she's right but still feeling the vice of anxiety around my chest.

“Hailey, relationships require courage and vulnerability from both people involved,” she continues. “I know your mother's abandonment left deep scars, but don't let that close you off to new possibilities. You have so much love and strength within you.”

I feel my eyes well up with tears at her words. She's hit upon the root of my deepest fears. I truly feel as if I'm unlovable, which is what I’ve long believed my mother thought. That's the only reason why she would have left me, isn’t it?

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