Page 31 of Don't You Want Me, Baby?

‘Jas, honey. We can’t eat dirt, okay?’

‘Why?’ Amber heard the little girl ask as her mother knocked the dark soil off her clothing.

‘Because it’s not food. It helps the plants to grow, and the carrots.’

‘I like carrots!’

The mother laughed, picking the child up and settling her on her lap. As she wiped the rest of the forbidden snack from her fingers, the pair of them laughed together.

‘I know you do, baby. So, let’s not eat the dirt any more. Leave it to the carrots, and the flowers.’ She checked her watch, her eyes meeting Amber’s. ‘Come on, darling, let’s go meet Daddy for lunch, all right?’

‘With carrots?’ the little girl asked as they headed over to their stroller.

The laugh that came from her mother was so free, so full of joy, it made Amber’s heart clench.

‘Double carrots,’ she trilled back, and Amber watched as she carried her little girl away from the play area. When they came alongside the bench Amber was sitting at, the woman turned and gave her a knowing smile. ‘Kids, eh?’

Amber laughed. ‘Worth it, though, right?’

‘Mum, carrots!’ the babe trilled in her arms, grabbing her by the cheeks and turning her away from the conversation. The woman laughed and pulled away long enough to grin at Amber.

‘It’s exhausting, stressful, expensive. You can’t have a conversation with another adult longer than a second.’

Her daughter was currently smushing her cheeks together in an effort to stop her talking and shouting, ‘Carrots, carrots, carrots’ at the same time at the top of her tiny lungs.

‘But, yeah, it’s totally worth it. Have a good day.’

Amber waved them off, watched the pair of them head to the car park. Utterly raptured and engrossed by the other. Amber sat there long after their car had pulled away. She sat on that wooden park bench, watching the children play. Half listening to the parents as they chatted together on the fringes of the bark chippings. She could hear them talking about how work was moaning about their time off, about how little time they had to themselves. How little Billy had kept them up half the night. How their other half had slept through the whole thing. How they had considered suffocating them with a pillow in the middle of the night. She heard them talk about getting new teeth, about how their little one had learned to take their first steps the day before. How they would never lettheirchild be the one scoffing on mud pies in the park.

For most of her adult life, she’d been on the fringes of conversations. The silent interloper, privy to their sorrows and successes. Listening to what they wanted to do, wanted to change in their lives. She’d been there when they celebrated births, engagements, marriages. Heck, even the odd divorce. She’d watched them fall inlove, cheat, and fight. Years she’d listened and observed the minutiae of life. Now she was here again, single, and finally going on her own journey.

‘Totally worth it,’ she echoed. Looking at the tired parents, the laughing kids. The one in the corner digging a worm out from the flowerbed. She wanted this. She’d always wanted this.

She thought about Tyler. Angry at work. He felt rejected; she knew him well enough to know that. He thought she was acting rashly, but she felt calm about her decision. It felt right. If she ignored the gnawing gulf in her stomach when she thought about not seeing where things could go. She fancied him more and more, but there was no future to it. She felt the sting of rejection too, in a way, irritational as it was. It’s not like she expected him to act any different. She had known where he stood all along. It just felt cruel, that they had their chance but, once again, the timing was all wrong. So, no Tyler, and she didn’t want to try and find someone else. Her heart wasn’t in it. Even if she waited to date, it could be years before she met another person she could consider sharing the rest of her days with. One thing she did know was that she didn’t want another relationship where she was second. She didn’t want to be the girl who was woken up for what essentially amounted to a relationship booty call. Dating was exhausting. Even the thought of it made her feel tired. Exhausted. Plus, she’d been around enough drunk people to know that the truth was usually elicited by alcohol. People fought; they said what was on their mind. They broke up, drunk-dialled old loves. She’d seemingly taken tequila’s advice and kickstarted her life. Sober her was cautious; drunk her was all action. All guns blazing, all in. She’d ordered sperm online, had even discovered from her email trail that she’d booked a business meeting with her bank, all fuelled entirely by birthday cake, rejection and hard liquor. She’d even emailed her boss, asking for that pay rise she’d been moaning about for months. The thing was, he’dagreed. She was on more money, just for asking for what she wanted for once. It had only strengthened her resolve on the other things.

Her phone rang in her bag, jolting her from her children watching. Which was probably a good thing, as her coffee was long gone and childless strangers who hung out all day in parks were usually frowned upon. And locked up for being creepy.

She headed to the front gates, pulling her phone out of her bag as she pulled her jacket around her. Tyler. He’d been ringing her periodically since she’d left the Slug. She couldn’t avoid him forever. She knew she’d have to speak to him at some point. Even knowing that, her finger still hovered over the green button without landing on the screen. He rang off, and seconds later, a message popped up.

Amber, where are you? Talk to me. If you don’t ring me back in half an hour, I’m coming to find you.

She headed out of the gates, dumping her empty cup in the trash bin as she passed by. Her phone beeped again.

Amber, come on. Ring me. Everyone is worried. You are not on your own. Talk to me. This isn’t like us.

Us. Her gut clenched. It sounded so good when he said that. Maybe she owed him a conversation. Maybe, if she could make him understand, they could go back to normal. She could stuff her feelings for him down. She’d done it before, right?

Another message beeped.

I know I’m mad about the other thing, and we need to talk more about it, but I swear if you are off somewhere crying over that fuckwit I will track him down and pummel his face in. Then I’ll come track you down and bring you home. Please, stop hiding. Not from me, Cherry.

She sighed reading it. She wanted to be mad about his reaction to the baby thing, but his words deflated her anger like a popped balloon. He was right. She was hiding, and that’s what she’d been doing for far too long. Hiding behind a crappy relationship, hiding behind big dreams that she never reached for. She wasn’t alone. She had a family at that pub, but it wasn’t enough any more. She needed to take action. For once, she wanted people to see her live her life. She would have a baby, and go all out for the Arms. Crush Bradley’s little scheme and get her happy ever after. Her grandmother had run the placeandraised her. Another Fitzpatrick woman had already shown her it could be done. She had to been taught to stand on her own two feet, and she needed her decks clear for her new life. No more hiding. Tyler would have to wait. Firing off a text, she headed for a showdown of a different kind.

When she arrived at Bradley’s place, he was already outside, waiting.

‘Hi,’ she said, walking over to him. He was looking as polished as ever, a light-grey suit tailored to his body, but she could see the bags under his eyes. The way his face pinched when he looked at her.

‘Thanks for coming,’ he breathed. ‘Talk upstairs?’

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