Page 12 of Lost in Life

My mind drifts to last night, the image of Nova filling my vision. Shifting on my feet, I try to push away the desire to drop everything and find where they are. The nearly overwhelming need to crawl back on my knees and beg for their forgiveness.

I don’t deserve it.

And they don’t deserve to have to put up with me and all my broken chaos.

I try to hide my flinch at the thought, but am proven unsuccessful when Rex barks out a laugh. “Pussy.” He chuckles, shaking his head and knocking back a shot. Slamming the glass down on the table, he sloppily pours another one, holding the clear liquid out to me.

My eyes dart around the space, trying to find a way out of this situation. Looking back at the offered alcohol, I slump my shoulders, knowing it’s pointless to try. Even if I somehow managed to slip out of the empty bar, Rex is my sole source of income. If I turn tail and run, I’ll find myself on the streets again.

A shudder runs through my body at the thought of going back to that.

I can’t. Iwon’t.

So, even though I know this is probably going to end badly, I reach forward and shakily take the shot glass, tossing it back.

“Atta boy.” He croons, slapping my shoulder. I flinch, lowering my eyes as my heart beats a little faster at the praise. “Now, let’s talk business.”

Chapter 6

Nova

I shove my feet into my boots, lacing up the ankle high leather. Shrugging on my utility jacket, I glance at the floor length mirror hanging on my door. A surge of pure gender euphoria hits me as I stare at my reflection.

I’m an androgynous creature at heart and today the combination of masc clothing with feminine accessories and makeup showcase who I am to the world.

It took a while to really explore that part of me. I suppose part of that was living with my mother who, to this day, still refuses to refer to me correctly.

Shortly after West bailed, I couldn’t take it anymore. Packing my bags, I split, my mom crying and clinging to me the whole time.

“You’re going to leave me too?” My mom sobs. “Why are you doing this to me, Catherine?”

I snap upright, tossing the shorts I was folding onto my bed. “Maybe it has to do with you repeatedly hurting me with that shit.” I snarl at her.

Her eyes narrow at me, the crocodile tears ceasing as she snaps, “What? You meanyour name?”

Officially sick of her shit, I scream, “That’s not my name!” Snatching up my bag, I fling it over my shoulder and push past her.

“You can’t leave! You’ll never make it on your own!” She cries after me.

Glancing around the room, pride fills me. Not only did I make it on my own, Imade it. Sure, it was a struggle, but I’ve carved a little space for me to exist in the world and I wouldn’t have it any other way. Now that I’ve gotten the experience of freedom to truly live and be myself, I wouldn’t change anything.

Almost anything.

Mona’s kind face pops into my mind and my smile falters. I miss her so much. She never really got the hang of my pronouns but she at least tried and she always called me Nova.

Tears prick at the corners of my eyes as I remember her warm hugs, loving smiles, and caring nature.

The world is emptier without her in it.

A part of me understands now why West did what he did, but it doesn’t change the fact that he broke me.

And now I get to return the favor.

“Heyyy bitch!” Hollis shouts, waving his hand in the air across the small boutique. Returning his wave with a grin, I weave past the other patrons.

Hollis and I became fast friends when we met at a local heavy metal concert, bonding over our shared love of the genre.

Metalcore gets a bad rap amongst the music world, everyone assuming that the screams and harsh drum beats only serve to fuel angry energy. While this can be the case at times, I find the intense music calms me in a way nothing else has. When the singer screams their lyrics before dropping down to a soulful melody, I feel a settling deep inside, something soothing about it that I’ve never been able to fully describe.

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