Page 92 of When The Rain Falls

"I wasneverthinking about Laurel.” He’s sitting on the edge of his bed. When he talks, he puts his head in his hands. Almost like he’s ashamed. “Not when I was with you. Not once,” he says. I swipe my cheek with the back of my hand and try to understand.

“What?” My eyebrows knit together and I hear the sniffle in my voice.

“Aimee. How could I—" He raises his gaze to me, the pain in his eyes sting. “How could I think of anyonebut you? Look at you. As gorgeous as the day. As bright as the fucking sun. Bold and unapologetic. Demanding to be the center of all my waking thoughts.”

“But you said?—”

“I know what I said. And those words have been haunting me since they came out of my mouth.” Finn rubs his temples with both hands. “I lied to you,” he confesses.

“Youliedto me?” I don’t know how, but I feel both hollow and full of anger all at the same time.

“I panicked. And I lied. And I’m terrible. I’m shit, Aimee.”

“But why? Why would you say something like that if it wasn’t true?” I can’t think of anything in the world that would justify a lie like that.

“Goddammit,” he mutters. “Because the truth is too hard to admit. And I thought it would be easier to push you away than to face it. And I was fucking wrong. Because pushing you away was so much harder than I expected.”

“Finn.” I give him a scolding look. “What truth?” I need answers. And he better start making some sense before I beat it out of him.

He rubs his hands over his face several times. I’m not sure if he’s stalling or gathering courage. But possibly, it’s both.

“I can’t…” His voice sounds haunted and strangled.

“Yes you can. And you better.”

“No, Aimee.I can’t.” But he stops there. Can’t what? I just stand awkwardly, watching him, waiting, patience slowly draining from my body.

“Oh, for fuck’s sake,” he says. “Aimee, I can’t have sex with you,” he says. “Not just with you. With anyone. There’s something wrong with me.” Is he trying to feed me another lie? Do I need to remind him that he has children? Unless, maybe they aren’t biologically his. No, I’ve seen the glare on Ruby. She’s definitely his.

“I don’t get it,” I sigh with exasperation.

Finn groans and pulls at his hair. “Great. Fantastic. You’re going to make me spell it all out for you.” He lifts his head and looks me straight in the eye. “My dick doesn’t work, Aimee. I can’t maintain an erection. I can’t stay hard. Is that clear enough? I’m fucking broken.” He’s talking manically. His face red with anger. His eyes turning glossy.

“Huh?” is all I say. Because I’m stunned. Stunned stupid.

Hecan’t. He actually can’t?

I was not expecting this. Not at all. Nothing about him would give away that he struggled with performance. Not the way he carries himself, the strength of his body, the power and command in his frame. Not the deepness of his voice. But now, things are starting to make sense. The way he’s been so hesitant. Why he keeps stopping. Why he keepspushing me away.

I sit on the bed next to him and feel it sink slightly under both our weight. “You were trying to push me away?’ I ask carefully.

He nods and releases a full, jagged breath.

“And you used her as an excuse?”

He nods again.

“But I still don’t understand why. Why didn’t you just tell me?”

“Because, I didn’t want you to know. I don’t want anyone to know,” he says. “Because when women know, they look at you differently. They treat you differently. And they leave.”

“Why would anyone leave?”

“Why would anyone stay?” He looks down at his feet. Elbows on his knees, hands clasped together. It looks like he’s drowning in memories. Horrible, awful memories.

“But—”

“Aimee, they don’t stay,” he insists. And it hits me that there’s only one reason he thinks that way. From experience.

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