Page 71 of When The Rain Falls

"Well, Rocky is going to take me on a date this week," she says. "I'm not asking for your permission. I'm just telling you. So you don't call the freaking Coast Guard when I don't come home after school."

"Don't be ridiculous. I wouldn't call the Coast Guard," I mutter defensively. "They don't even deal with missing children."

"Whatever." She rolls her eyes. "You know what I mean. Maybe you should just treat me like a dog. Put a tracking collaron me or something." Honestly, that's not a terrible idea. Do they make something like that for kids?

"Ruby," I say, trying to remain as calm as possible even though she's acting like a spoiled brat and I really want to put her in her place. "Just be patient. And let's go one step at a time with this Rocky business, ok?"

"No. I'm done doing things on your schedule." She stops pacing and plops on her bed. A stuffed animal flies off and lands on the ground. I want to point out that she's not as grown up as she thinks she is. That she still sleeps with Potsy the bunny. But I have a feeling that won't be a productive turn in the conversation. "You just want to control everything," she mutters.

"Oh. Come on." I push off the door frame and set my hands on my hips. I'm running really low on patience right about now. "Do you even hear yourself?"

"No, Dad,youcome on. Why am I stuck with you? It's so unfair. Mom was the one who always got me. She'd understand that I need independence. She'd let me go on a date with Rocky." What the fuck. Oh man. She went there. She hasn't pulled this card in a long time.

"How the fuck do you know what your mother would let you do?" I spit out at her.

"Because I remember her. Maybe you like to pretend she didn't exist. Maybe you can act like everything in this house is normal. But I can't. I remember her. She was kind and understanding and she always listened." Ruby's voice begins to falter. My shoulders sag at her words. I suddenly find myself trying to blink back tears. I'm afraid there's a bit of truth in everything she's saying. "And I miss her," she adds, shooting an arrow straight into my heart.

I can barely see through the water in my eyes. The top of my throat feels like it's closing in on itself. I don't have a good response. Because as unfair as it is, I'm always going to be thebad cop. Because Laurel will always be perfect in their eyes. She will always be perfect in my eyes. Fuck. She was just perfect. Plain and simple as that. I can't compete with her memory. And I don't want to.

I’ve always known it, but Ruby’s words are a clear reminder. We’re both looking for ways to fill the hole that Laurel left. When she died, Ruby and I took the brunt of it. Vivian was mostly too young. But Ruby and I both lost the same thing, the feeling of being a family. Laurel's warmth and kindness and affection. We both suffered deeply. And we've never really talked about it. And I'm a poor substitute for her mother.

"Yeah," I tell her. My voice is so broken and so ragged that I don't even recognize it. "All you have is me. And that's pretty shitty." I rub the tips of my fingers up and down my forehead, trying to ease the migraine setting in.

Ruby lays down and curls up on her bed. And for a moment, she's the little girl I remember again. I have the strongest urge to gather her up in my arms and squeeze her tight. I take a step toward her. And the second I do, she blurts out, "I don't want you." I stop, one foot in her room, one hand on her doorknob.

She doesn't have to say the rest. Because the rest of this sentiment is one I'm familiar with. What she doesn't have to say and what I already know is that she wishes it had been me. Me and not Laurel. Laurel was the better person. She deserved life more than I did. Everything she touched turned to sunshine, flowers, and exploded with laughter. Everything I touch becomes broken, ruined, and dead. And even though it's a thought I've had a thousand times, it hurts more than I expected it to. Because it's different when your own kid thinks it.

I turn around and carefully close Ruby's door. Darkness is tugging at my mind, threatening to pull me into its deep vortex. What the fuck am I doing wrong? My head pounds, like it's pushing against the walls of my head trying to burst from myskull. My thoughts are careening out of control. A wave of raw anger hits me. A force so strong that it nearly knocks me over and drags me under. Heat climbs up my body, starting at my feet and traveling all the way to the tip of my skull. I have to leave the house. Before I do something I'll regret.

24THE FLUSH ON HER CHEEKS

AIMEE

Aimee

Hey

Aimee

Whatchya doing

Aimee

Do you miss my smart mouth?

Aimee

How about my smart ass?

Aimee

I’m trying to pick another scary movie to watch. Maybe you can help.

Aimee

I Know What You Did Last...night.

Aimee

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