Page 57 of When The Rain Falls

Fucking jump, Finn.

And then I take her mouth in mine, closing around her lips. Covering another gasp. Swallowing it whole. I didn’t realize how cold I was until our lips met. Until she warmed me from the inside out.

Then her hands are in my hair, pulling, and tugging, and pinning me against her. Our bodies mold together. One of her legs hook around mine. I gather up a fist of her long locks and roughly cup them to the nape of her neck.

The kiss is everything. Full. Tender. Soft. Sharp. It’s a kiss born from a hundred moments of dormant desire.

20CHEERY PAIN IN MY ASS

FINN

I sinkdeep into the living room sofa, staring at the ceiling. I barely slept all night. I couldn't sleep. Not in our bed. Not without her there. It felt wrong. Empty. Cold. She's gone. She's actually gone. It was the first time since losing Laurel that I've had a moment to myself. In the wake of her death, there had been so much to do, the girls to think about, and so many people around us. This was the first morning back in our house. Except it wasn't our house anymore. Because she's gone. Really gone.

I desperately want a hole to open up and swallow me. I don't care where it takes me. I'll go anywhere. I just don't want to feel anymore. I'm rubbed raw with feelings. And more will come. Every day. I have to be strong for Ruby and Vivian. They need me even more now. How will I do it? How can I face today and every other monotonous day after, when I just want to curl into a ball and disappear? I'd been so completely helpless back in the hospital. I desperately wanted to change places with her. To take away her pain. I wanted to stop the flood of bad news. I wanted to fix it. But I could do nothing but watch as life stole her from me. From us.

And him. The baby. The one I'll never know. How is it even possible? For life to go from a fairytale to a horror movie in the course of a week?

Bile rises up in my throat. Panic pounds in my chest. It chokes out my breaths. Is this what a panic attack feels like?

I hear the sound of little feet padding down the hall. Viv must have snuck out of her toddler bed again. She rounds the corner and stands there in her pink onesie. Blanket over her shoulder, thumb in her mouth. Her eyes smile when she sees me. Oblivious to the torment on my face. She continues past the living room into the kitchen. I hear the sound of her pounding feet alter as she moves from carpet to linoleum. "Mama," I hear her small voice cry out. "Mama!" she calls cheerily.

Fuck. Just fuck. Just plunge a fucking sword into my heart. Air rasps raggedly in my chest with each inward breath.

"Baby. Come here."

I hear her feet redirect as she stomps towards me.

"Mama's not here, baby. I'll hold you." I tell her as tears pour down my cheeks. She comes over to me and climbs into my lap. She rests a head on my chest. She doesn't understand. And I don't have the words to explain that her mama, her everything, is not coming back. Ever.

I grip her tightly. Like gripping her is the only hold I have left on reality. And then I sink. I sink into a deep, dark hole.

The sound of my doorbell ringing wakes me up the next morning. I pull myself out of bed, exhausted. How can you wake up as tired as you go to sleep? What the fuck does my body do when I'm unconscious? I slip into my grey jogger pants and throw a t-shirt over my head. The ringing chirps oncemore.Goddammit.This better be important. I quicken my pace slightly, but only slightly. I'm not expecting anyone this early on a Saturday morning and I don't particularly care if they have to wait a little longer.

When I pull open the front door, Aimee is standing there with bright eyes, her perfect mouth spread into her signature smile. I bet no one ever has to ask her if she's ready for the day. But is the day, on the other hand, ready for her?

"Up and at ‘em, bear." She slinks past me, running a tantalizing finger across my body as she winks.

"Didn't I just get rid of you?" I tease. My voice is gravely from sleep.

After our little rain dance last night, Aimee went home to change into dry clothes and then we picked up the girls from the dance. They chattered quietly in the backseat the whole way home. Julie spent the night and I heard them continue chattering and giggling until one in the morning. Why was I awake that late? I didn't want to be. But my mind wouldn't shut down. It was swimming with thoughts of Aimee and how I’m letting her steadily destroy all my plans.

"You did. And, lucky you, now I'm back. Where are the girls?" She glances around the quiet, empty living room, utterly stupefied. It’s almost like she doesn’t understand the concept of, I don’t know,peace. I close the front door. Which is clearly symbolic of the door closing on my chances for a quiet Saturday morning.

"Sleeping. You should try it.” I check my watch. It’s 8:00 a.m. Someone should tell Aimee that it’s too early for socializing on a weekend. I give Aimee a scowl, but she brushes it off. Maybe it’s because I kissed her. And she no longer sees my mouth as a source of threats. Yeah, I royally screwed that up.

"Well, I told the girls I'd pick them up bright and early for a day of fall activities. And it's bright and early," Aimee says. Shespins around and walks down the hallway towards my kitchen. I catch that goddamn scent of lavender in her hair again.

"Come on in, I guess," I mumble under my breath in front of a now-empty foyer.

"Oooh, someone's not a morning person," she teases over her shoulder. “Is there actually a time of day when you'renotgrumpy?"

"For starters, when you're not here," I answer her as I lumber along behind her. I can’t help it. I can’t help being an asshole. I don’t think I know how tonotbe an asshole. I kissed Aimee last night. And it was fucking amazing. And it only made me want more. And now I don’t know where we go from here. Because everything looks different in the daylight. And now that kiss is starting to look like a bad idea. Because after you jump, you’re expected to swim. And as much as I’d love to do that, my body is still unreliable.

“Oh yeah? Is that why you kissed me last night? Because I made you so grumpy?” She chuckles as she stops in the middle of the kitchen and turns to face me. It’s a warm, bright chuckle. My eyes roam down her chunky cardigan that’s open over a thin tank top, past her tight, ripped jeans, and down to her booties. It makes me realize that there are so many parts of her that I haven’t seen yet.

"I can't deal with your nonsense. Not before coffee." I walk past her and head towards the cupboards.

"We're going to get coffee on the way. That's part of it," she explains, propping a hip against the counter.

---