Page 118 of When The Rain Falls

“Laurel, darling, smile for the camera.”

Finn’s voice is so clear that it sounds like the words are coming directly from his mouth. I open my eyes and look up at the TV. I see a breathtaking yet extremely embarrassed Laurel sitting on the back porch swing, holding a large chocolate cake on her lap. The curves of her face, delicate and perfect. Two very little girls are flanking her sides.

“Happy birthday. The girls and I, we love you more than anything in the world.”

“Oh, you say that to all the girls.”

“No, darling. Only you. Forever.”

A hand slashes across my chest. It smashes my ribcage open. It yanks out my heart. It yanks out my lungs. It yanks out all the good, beautiful things that Finn has steadily been placing within me over the past several weeks. It leaves me a gutted, empty shell.

Darling.

He called her darling, too.

Only You. Forever.

That seems like my answer. Directly from Finn’s own mouth.

Everything he has given me is just recycled. Recycled from his time with her. Right down to the pet name. I’m just collecting her leftovers. And I’ve just been collecting her leftovers for weeks.

I’m so fucking reckless.

I’m so fucking stupid.

To think that all this was real.

It feels like something awakens in me. Maybe it’s a loss of patience. Maybe it’s exhaustion from being caught in a tug-of-war between his present and his past. Maybe it’s anger. Anger over the fact that for once, I thought I found something real. And I was wrong again.

So, I give him what he wants. I pull away. I lift my heavy body off the floor. I step over him. I swipe a hand across my face to wipe away the tears. I walk away feeling dazed, but determined. Determined to pull myself out of this ditch I’ve fallen into. It’s just the latest in a long line of ditches. And I’m so fucking tired of climbing out of them.

I’m not strong enough. Not strong enough to be jerked around all the time. Not strong enough to be treated likethisand still be standing tall and strong at the end of it. I’m not resilient like that fucking bridge.

But I’m strong enough to do one thing.

Leave.

As I walk down the hall and pull open the door, I hear Finn cry my name. And listening to my name go unanswered on his tormented lips is probably what haunts me the most.

42WHAT’S WRONG

FINN

"Ok. What's happening in here?"Rebecca peeks her head into my office where I'm slowly pounding my head against my desk.

"Get off my case, Rebecca. I have shit to do." With that, I sit up straight and lift the cover of my laptop. I've been in my office for an hour and I'm just now powering it on.

"Yeah, clearly,” she says sarcastically. “Finn, you look terrible. You haven't looked like that since the last time the Mariners blew it in the playoffs."

“How can you tell, Rebecca?” Jane’s voice joins Rebecca’s in the doorway. “He always looks like that to me.”

"Thanks,Jane." I stare numbly at the screen saver. A pretty green meadow somewhere I'll probably never visit. Because Ma is right. I never fucking go anywhere. Because I’m a fucking coward. One who wallows in pain instead of fighting it off. I can’t wait until this day is over so I can crawl back to my cave.

I’ve been trying to call and text Aimee since I pulled myself out of my drunken stupor yesterday but she’s not answering. Not that I blame her. After what I said. After I let her leave questioning how I felt.

Fuck. Watching her leave had been hard. But going after her, in that moment, it felt impossible.

Ann squeezes between Rebecca and Jane with a notepad clutched to her chest. "Want me to hold your calls and reschedule your appointments?" she asks sweetly.

---