Page 89 of Don't Let Go

I sat on my bed, pointing and then relaxing my toes. My room was dark and quiet, the only noise coming from my ceiling fan, occasionally making a ticking sound as it moved. I wanted some fresh air and to look up at the empty inky sky. Tyler was probably still out at that party or asleep because his room seemed quiet.

A couple of days ago, Carmen boxed all of Lizzy’s things up and put them in the garage while I was gone. She said she couldn’t sleep in that room with all of Lizzy’s things waiting for her to come back. I understood why she did it, but to see all my baby sister’s belongings in boxes was heartbreaking. It made it all the more real that she wasn’t coming home.

No one wanted to donate Lizzy’s things, so for now, they’d stay in the garage. When summer came, the heat would slowly eat and destroy everything she loved. Last night I dug around in the boxes to grab a few things to keep for myself. To remind me of what I was fighting for. To remember why I was allowing myself to fall so far down and do things I swore I’d never do.

I saved a coloring book Lizzy and I spent days coloring away at and writing notes on the sides saying who it was by and who we colored it for. We always gave them to each other but never ripped them out. I also saved her homemade photo album of her favorite memories, her phone, and her well-loved stuffed bunny.

When I wanted to hug Lizzy, I’d hug her bunny. I was worried the bunny would be ruined by the end of the year because of how much I needed to hold and touch the poor thing.

I grabbed the bunny by its paw and padded over to my window, moving the curtains aside and opening the window. The breeze was gentle and felt good on my warm face. I sat on the window ledge, holding the stuffed bunny on my lap.

“If only it was me instead of you, Lizzy,” I said softly to the bunny. Fat hot drops spilled over the rims of my eyes and fell onto my hands and the bunny.

My tongue licked away my salty hears from my dry lips. “I don’t know who I am anymore.” Every day I was trapped in quicksand, and no matter how hard I fought, my body sank in deeper.

My fingers ran along the bunny’s soft left ear. There were bendable wires in its ears. Lizzy always loved to bend one ear a little at the tip. She said it was cuter that way.

The window next to mine opened in a single whoosh, scaring the crap out of me. I almost dropped the bunny on the ground below.

Tyler popped his head out. “Mind if I join you?” He was already straddling the window as he asked the question.

“I was fine alone,” I said bitterly, looking at the dark sky and tracing the big dipper with my eyes.

He sucked his teeth as he sat on the little window ledge. I ignored him, but I could feel his eyes watching me.

I looked over at him and spotted shiny golden flakes in his hair. “Did you get into a fight with confetti?”

His eyebrows pushed together in confusion. “What?”

I motioned toward his hair. “You have a new style goin’ on. Is that intentional?”

Ty ran a hand through his gorgeous locks and found a handful of golden confetti. “There was this piñata full of glitter and shit. It broke open when I was cruising by to leave.” He blew the confetti in my direction. I swatted at it like they were insects.

“Looks like I missed one hell of a party.” I stared at the red nail polish stain on Lizzy’s bunny. I remembered when I polished her nails last year, and the first thing she did was grab this bunny, smudging the color. She was so upset.

Ty readjusted himself so his feet hung over the window ledge. “Nah. You go to one party; you’ve been to them all.”

“You’re a hero around here now. You defeated your old team. Slew your demons. Conquered your fears. How do you feel?”

He surprised me by asking, “Do you want the truth, or are you more comfortable with a lie?”

I concentrated on my left foot as I pointed, then rolled it around in circles until my ankle popped. “It’s going to be like that now?”

Ty lifted a shoulder and dropped it. “Up to you. Are you ever going to explain why you have a gun in your glovebox?”

I picked at the nail polish on the bunny, making a low clicking sound as my nail went over the hardened paint. “Are you going to tell me what Chloe said while I was in the restroom after the game?”

“She wanted me to talk some sense into you.” He laughed, but it had a bitter edge. “She said you won’t listen, and for some weird reason, she thinks you’ll listen to me.”

I tried to laugh, but it came out hoarse and twisted. “Chloe is looking out for me. I’m not stupid. I’m not going to shove a gun in someone’s face and demand answers. I know she thinks I’ll do something wild like that.”

Ty motioned to the bunny. “Do you think Lizzy would want this?”

Tyler was lucky I didn’t have the gun on me because I felt the urge to pistol-whip him across the face. My grasp on the bunny’s neck made his head tilt to the side. I tossed the poor thing onto my window seat before my anger could cause it any more harm. “Does it matter anymore? What’s done is done.”

“You can’t mean that,” he said so softly that his voice felt like a caress on my skin. I knew Tyler cared about me. At one time, I wondered what it would’ve been like to kiss him again, but I couldn’t afford to think like that anymore.

“My papà and I were like this,” I raised my hand, crossing my forefinger and middle finger together. “We were two peas in a pod. That’s what my mamma used to say.”

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