Page 24 of For Puck's Sake

“I remember the day so clearly. You kissed me at the door before morning skate and I watched you leave. When you left, that’s when I felt the loneliness so acutely. The quiet of the penthouse was a constant reminder of what I wasn’t doing, youknow? Yes, I was playing Bessie daily, to our neighbor mostly.” Brea laughs half-heartedly and continues. “I was writing, but I wasn’t going out and making my presence known in the city. I was stuck and honestly, when I look back on it now, it wasn’t your fault. It was mine.”

“Luna, I should have?—"

“No, Ridley. It was me. I need to say it now. Own it. I let myself get wrapped up in being the girlfriend of Ridley Masters. I went to every game, wore your jersey, number twenty-five”—she gives me a small smile and gestures around the ice rink—“I fell into your life. It was everything I never had. The family, the attention, the camaraderie, and unconditional love. You and Lia were my family. Tor, Devan, and Bast, hell, the entire team welcomed me with open arms. There was no judgement, no demands, no stipulations. I was yours and you were mine, our life in Seattle with our found family. It should have been everything I wanted. You should have been all that I wanted. Until that morning, when I realized I hadn’t had my period. Until I took a pregnancy test and saw those two pink lines,” Brea shrugs as a tear slips down her cheeks and it takes all my willpower to stay in my seat.

“I panicked, Ridley. I panicked.” She sniffs and wipes away the stray tear. “I took one look at myself and all I saw was my mother’s disappointed face. All I could hear was her telling me how I wasted my talent. How I settled and did nothing with the gifts she and my father gave me. Like they ever gave two shits about me playing the guitar, or any other instrument for that matter. They didn’t give me anything.” She pauses, shifting her body toward me. “My nanny took me to my first guitar lesson. No, they paid me no mind until they were told how talented I was. That’s when they realized they could parade me around to boast about their daughter’s success. By proxy, their success.” She scoffs. “I was a fixture to them. A trophy. Why I let her wordspoison me in that moment, is something only a therapist can analyze.” Brea pauses and blows out a breath. I don’t interrupt. Right now, she’s an open book and I am devouring everything she’s giving me.

“I was a coward. I am still a coward. I should have told you about the baby, but I knew if I did, it would make it true. Every worthless word she ever muttered to me. Or at least that’s what I convinced myself. I hadn’t pursued my music the way I had hoped and now I was going to be a hockey players wife, with a baby, and no way out.” She blows out another breath, rubbing her temples. “No. . . I don’t mean it like that. I didn’t want to feel trapped. Fuck, I felt claustrophobic. Fear got hold of me and grew until my only solution was to flee.”

I reach out a hand and grab hers, wanting nothing more than to pull her into my lap and take away the pain she’s feeling. “Angel, we don’t have to get through all of this today,” I say gently, pulling my hand away. With Bessie between us, my body stretches awkwardly, making my back scream in discomfort. Okay, so maybe I over did it in my morning workout with Devan and Bast this morning in anxious anticipation of this moment.

“But we do, Rid. I do. I need to purge it all now before I don’t have the courage to say it all ever again.” Brea checks her phone, possibly checking the time I’m sure, and settles back into her seat. I settle in as well. There’s never enough time. I know lunch is almost over, but the rest of our lives depends on the outcome of this conversation. It’s now or never.

Brea

My heart’s pounding, the back of my throat burns with the need to bawl my eyes out, but I hold it together as I watch Ridley settle in this seat next to me. It feels as if we are miles away fromeach other, so taking another leap, I lift Bessie to the seat on the other side of me. I stand, still holding my gummy worms in my hand, as if the chewy sour goodness is my lifeline, and sit in the seat next to Ridley. As soon as our arms touch, his warmth seeps into my skin, soothing my frayed nerves, giving me the comfort I need to get through the toughest part of this.

“The morning I woke up in the hospital, aft—” I swallow hard and close my eyes as flashes of the night I miscarried our baby play back to me like a horror reel. Even now, it’s hard to talk about. I feel Ridley’s fingers lace with mine, his grip tight, reassuring and firm, lending me strength to continue. He was there, he witnessed it, he lived it right along with me. We both lost so much that night. I can be brave for both of us and say it out loud.

“After I lost the baby I blamed myself for wishing our child away. I put negativity out into the universe, Ridley. I manifested it. It was my fault. Everything was my fault.” I drop my head as tears fall onto our clasped hands. All I feel is despair and a longing for Ridley to make it all better, like he promised me two years ago. Finally dropping all the barriers between us I rest my head on Ridley’s shoulder. I don’t make a sound as I let go silently.

Ridley leans his head on top of mine, and the scent of home envelops me as he releases a shaky breath. “Angel, whether you told me or not. We both know losing the baby wasn’t your fault. It wasn’t your time, baby, that’s all. Your body wasn’t ready. You didn’t know of the complications you were facing?—"

“But I could have, Rid. I could have.” I wipe away more tears, my attempts futile as they keep flowing. “Maybe it would have saved us both the shared trauma of that night. For you to find me like you did, bleeding to death on our bathroom floor, because I kept it a secret. Don’t you see? How could you suffer to look at me after?” I ask, knowing before Ridley opens his mouth hewill refute my words. “You never left my side, and the guilt— I deserved the news we received the next morning. It was my punishment.” I sob the last part, and the sound echoes through the empty rink. “When the doctor told us of the damage the ectopic pregnancy caused, I knew then, I knew I couldn’t stay. Why would you want someone broken?”

Ridley shakes his head on top of mine. “No. The doctor said there was a chance you would struggle to get pregnant again. She didn’t say you couldn’t, Brea. You’re not broken, Luna,” he says, sitting up to look down at me. I keep my head down, my tears and snot I will hide for as long as I can. Plus, I can’t look into those blue depths knowing he doesn’t hate me, he never did, even after I came home from the hospital a hollow shell. He took care of me in between games, practices, and made sure Lia kept me company when he was away. She didn’t know the cause of my downward spiral, but like the loyal sister she is, she never questioned me or him. Ridley was selfless, and it only makes the guilt over leaving him more acute.

Gently gripping my chin between his fingers, Ridley lifts my face. His touch is tender and reverent as he wipes away my tears, and yes, my snotty nose as well with a paper towel. I keep my eyes closed through it all, crying even harder at the sweet care he’s taking.

“Fuck it,” I hear him say before he scoops me up in his arms and I am suddenly cradled in his lap. There’s not a lot of space between the rows of seats in the stands so it’s a tight fit. “I don’t give a shit about boundaries or where we stand right now, Brea. I need to hold you and you’re going to allow me to do this,” he says, not giving me room to argue. Like I could through my blubbering sobs. I want him to console me, hold me, take care of me, right now, my fragility is on full display. I’ve completely unraveled for him; my shredded ribbons of self-control lay in a pile of grief and sadness on his lap. Ridley rocks me slowly,like he’s done countless times before, putting me back together again with every stroke of his hand down my back. With every encouragement he mutters into my temple. I am made whole, fortified enough to finally speak.

“I’m a mess. I’m sorry,” I whisper.

“Don’t ever apologize for your grief, Luna. We never had a chance to grieve our loss. If you need to cry, fucking cry. I’ve got you,” he says quietly, his voice a low rasp, as if he too is fighting back tears. We remain this way for a while, holding on to each other, letting ourselves feel, commiserating what was until the sound of voices can be heard in the distance. I guess our time is up.

“Open your eyes, Angel. Look at me,” Ridley finally says as he wipes away the remainder of my tears. A part of me doesn’t want this bubble of peace to pop. I want to stay right here in his arms. But our time is borrowed, and I am grateful to Bast and Devan for giving us this much privacy. I will store this stolen moment away for safekeeping, because somewhere along the way I lost the feeling of what it feels like to be loved, truly loved by Ridley Masters. I don’t ever want to forget again. His strong arms wrap around me, the scent of summer on his skin mixed with his cologne, and as I open my eyes I see the look of love and adoration in his eyes. Even after all this time it has never faltered, that look, it never wavered.

“There she is,” Ridley says as he smiles down at me. I reciprocate and smile right back. God, I missed this man. Lifting my hand, I reach up to smooth down his hair. With a sudden need to touch him further, I explore his face, the rough stubble on his cheeks, those soft pink kissable lips. Lips that descend so fast I gasp in surprise as they press against mine.

He doesn’t deepen the kiss though, but I get lost in it just the same. I allow it to bring me back to life after, the gloom falling away until I am filled with hope.

“Now, I want you to listen to me, Luna,” he says against my lips. “Are you listening?” he asks as he pulls away, shifting us both in the seat.

I nod my head, speechless. I don’t have a voice all of a sudden. I can’t begin to describe what has transpired between us—acceptance, no, reconciliation, whatever it is, I don’t feel the need to run. I want to stay, for whatever time we have left together, I want to stay.

“I love you. I never stopped loving you. When you left, I thought I could extinguish my feelings because without you loving me—well, I gave up. I became empty, robotic, going through the motions. I thought if I could get lost in a meaningless woman, I could forget, bury you so deep I wouldn’t feel the pain of your loss anymore,” he says, eyes pleading for me to understand as I attempt to look away. The thought of him with anyone else still kills me a little inside. But Ridley doesn’t let me hide.

“I need you to look at me, Angel. Look at me and hear me. Please.” He turns my head toward him once more and I nod for him to continue. I can give him this. After everything I can hear him out.

“Know this, Brea Brookes, there wasn’t a day in my life since you left that I didn’t think of you. There wasn’t a second in the day when I didn’t berate myself for not fighting harder for you, for us. But I understood you needed to go. I gave you the space you needed to find yourself again. It fucking hurt, but I did it. I did it because I love you too much to drag you back to a life you lost yourself in. But I can’t do it anymore, Angel. I want to be there for you. I want to support you, to cheer you on from afar or from the front row. I want to make this work, whatever this is or will become in the future. I want to start again, Brea. I want you.”

He kisses me quickly and pulls away as the door to the hockey rink parts with the sounds of the hockey camp spilling in. “My question for you, Luna, is do you want me? Can we try this again?” He watches me patiently, ignoring the growing noise around us. I can see his fear, his hesitancy, he expects me to deny him. Doesn’t he know the hold he has on me? Then again, maybe he doesn’t, and it’s my turn to show him how much he truly means.

I don’t hesitate. I don’t want to think about the whys or hows. For once, I want to let go, despite it all. Not everyone is allowed a second chance in love and life. This is fate handing it to us on a silver platter.

“Yes, Rid. Yes. I want you too,” I finally say. Ridley rewards me with a kiss so thorough my toes curl and my need for more has my panties soaking wet. I moan into his mouth as his tongue tangles with mine, licking, sucking, and tasting. Relearning me. Each caress of his lips slots pieces of me, and pieces of us back together again. A rejoining of two lost heavenly bodies, the moon and its ocean, moving in tandem. It’s us. We only come up for air when the sound of Devan cheering and clapping down below brings us back to reality.

This is what it’s like to lose yourself in all things Ridley Masters, and right now, I’m happy to stay right here, lost in him. From now on I need to remember to throw down some breadcrumbs so I can find my way back to myself. It’s the only way to make this work, the only way we can survive this a second time.

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