Page 20 of For Pucking Keeps

Happy.

No, scratch that. I need a better synonym for how I feel. I refuse to say I’m jolly or merry for obvious reasons. Content. Yes, there it is. I am content. Writer problems. How in the hell am I going to break through this writer’s block if I can’t even decide on a word to express my current emotions? I won’t let anything steal my shine at the moment, not even another wordless day. I am riding the high of newness, butterflies, and giddiness that accompanies getting to know someone new. I can still feel his lips on mine, the way his large hands gripped my hips, the way he held me close, yet I was unfettered. I knew the minute our worlds collided, despite my initial trepidation, there would be no going back. I writeabout chance and fate for a living, why can’t I accept it in my own life story? I’ve had enough bad these past few months, it’s time for some good, and Torrance Bailey is my good. I’m feeling him, he’s feeling me, why not, right? Whatever is developing between the two of us, I am going to let it happen.I deserve to let it happen.

“Alexis, are you listening to me?” Julia claps her hands to get my attention as we video chat while I get ready for tonight’s game. I want to continue to ignore her. I know exactly why she’s calling, and I’m exhausted by it all. I love my bestie and I’m tired of holding back because she’s the last person I want to disappoint.

“Yes,” I say, straddling the line between living rent-free in the moment Tor and I shared, and her coming lecture.

Julia tsks. “Girl, please, what did I just say then?” Frustration is coming off her in waves, and I know it’s because I’m not jumping for joy over my recent climb in the book charts and all the attention I’m receiving at the moment.

I pause mid lip gloss application as I lean over my bathroom sink, giving her an eye roll she can’t see. To Julia, this publicity is a great thing for both me and her publishing company. I’m the spectacle of the week, Tor’s unworthy arm candy according to the puck bunny tirades on social media. I’d rather not have the spotlight shining down on me, I don’t need the closeup inspection of my life. Especially after what Shaun and Mace did to me. I’m happy my books are reaching new readers, sure, who wouldn’t be, but at what cost? None of it matters if I didn’t earn it. Yes, I am that woman. I’ve never needed a man to succeed; everything I have, I have because I worked my ass off. No matter what Shaun loved to try and convince me throughout our relationship, the only thing he and Mace ever gave me was heartache.

“Truth. I was away with the fairies, living my best life.” My attempt at a joke fails miserably of course when she stares at me like I’ve lost my mind. “Look,” I say, fighting back a smile. I love working her up. “It all feels dirty, Jules.” I straighten and run my hand over my new Vipers jersey I ordered a few days ago. A larger one that doesn’t cling to every hump and bump of my curvy body. Although Tor might be disappointed. How refreshing is it to have a man look at me like I’m his next meal instead of making me feel self-conscious about my body. A body that I love and am damn proud of mind you. But past hurts still creep up from time to time. Fuck you very much, Shaun.

“Dirty how? There is nothing wrong with people getting to know Jaz Starr,” she replies.

“No, there isn’t. But I don’t want people to eventually find out I’m Alexis Rhodes. My personal life is mine,Jules. All this attention. . . Look, I don’t need my business in the streets,” I say, picking up the phone and walking out of the bathroom. I hold the phone up to my face as I walk through my room, collecting a pair of comfy boots as I go.

Julia sighs, clearly exasperated with me. “You are a public figure, Alexis. Your life will be dissected and placed under a microscope; you need to prepare yourself. People finding out your real name and more about your life is inevitable. You know that, right? You know you can’t keep it all to yourself forever.”

I drop down with a sigh and take a seat on the top stairs and drop my shoes beside me. She is right, I know this. I can’t live in denial, just like I can’t prevent the fallout of up and leaving my life back home. “You’re right.” It’s all I can say, protesting anymore is pointless.

“From what you told me earlier, this thing between you and your hockey player is only going to ramp up. I mean, the man kissed you, Alexis.” She wiggles her eyebrows suggestively, making me fight back a smile. “You told him who you are, for real. You already revealed your secrets and he’s done nothing but protect you. This is romance book plot gold. Hell, as unethical as it is, if you hadn’t already started writing your story, the thing happening between the two of you would definitely get my approval. What do they say? Write what you know and all that shit.” Julia waves her hand in the air excitedly, like what she just suggested isn’t completely off the table. She is practically bouncing in her office seat, doing a little shimmy. I don’t have the heart to tell her the truth. I haven’t written anything, not a word, but the thought of using what’s happening between Tor and I. . .no. I can’t.

I shake my head and purse my lips at the mere thought of that kind of betrayal. “Tor is private, Jules. The man is married to hockey. From what Lia has told me, he doesn’t do the dating or bunny thing for this reason. He, like me, wants to keep his private life to himself, as much as he can considering who he is. Whatever is blossoming between us, needs to stay between us. I’m not using him, and the last thing I want is for him to think that I’ve come into his life with bad intentions,” I say, feeling a little nauseous from just saying it out loud.

Julia holds up her hands in surrender, her face softening. There’s my bestie. “Look, I get it, Lex, I do. I’m excited for you. I’m glad you are moving on from Shaun’s shit. Not saying you haven’t already moved on, but officially, seeing someone else. Are you seeing him?” She tilts her head in question and I give her a ‘we’re not there yet shrug’, as she continues. I’m still not sure what Tor and I are, we haven’t had that talk yet, although I have a feeling it is coming. “Whatever you eventually become, I am happyfor you. But as your publisher, Jazminne Starr is my priority. I can’t help but push you to be your best self. You’re writing a new genre, immerse yourself in it. I’m sure what you’ve already written is fine, because you are a wonderful writer. I know you don’t want the attention, but with that man being famous, it is going to happen. Accept it or you need to cut your losses. Chalk him up as an experience you can tick a box on and move on if you can’t handle the limelight. Write the book you want and walk away from it all. Either way, it is your choice. Think on that.”

When her gaze shifts to her laptop and her hands start to move rapidly over the keys, I know this conversation is coming to an end. “Why are you so right all the damn time,” I say with a huff. I hate and love when she reads me. I know that ultimately I do have a choice to make. I’m either going to completely surrender myself to Tor, and all the things that come with being in his life, or keep him at arm’s length, finish my book and move on with my life. The thought of the latter sounds damn near impossible, so I know which direction I’m heading.

“You love me. Now, I expect those chapters in three days Alexis. I need to start working on a promotion plan and get the editors to look at what you have so far. Let me remind you, I can’t push the release date back any further, so please, enjoy your hockey game tonight but I need you writing. I’m looking forward to reading what you have so far. I love you, girl.” She air kisses the phone, and then with a wink, Julia hangs up.

“I’m all over it, Jules,” I say to the now empty screen. I slump forward and grab my boots just as the silhouette of Lia comes into view behind the stained glass of my front door. I smile at the sight of her, the anticipation of seeing Tor taking the ice chases away my spiraling thoughts of deadlines and writing for at least a little while. My stomach does little summersaults as a rush of butterflies fills me with giddy exhilaration. I push the conversation with Julia out of my thoughts, determined to enjoy myself tonight. I can worry tomorrow. God knows they will still be there waiting for me to face. No, tonight, I get to enjoy my new favorite pastime. Hockey, here I come.

“Come on, Ridley!!” Lia yells over the boisterous crowd of rowdy fans. Everyone around us is on their feet cheering him on as he races down the ice towards the Dallas goalie. I have my hands over my eyes, with my fingers split open so I can still see the action taking place before me. Tonight, we are sitting right behind the plexiglass, up close and personal with every slap shot, puck swish, and snap of sticks against the ice. I’ve heard the grunts and groans of big, burly hockey players getting the wind knocked out of them as they get smashed against the boards. I’ve witnessed blood dripping from behind the visors of helmets, and even a tooth flying through the air. Hockey is brutal, it’s a true gladiator style sport, and I can’t stop watching the carnage.

Ridley spins out of the way of a defensemen coming his way at full tilt. Lia and I both scream, cringing, waiting for the collision. Suddenly a blur of white, green, and blue knocks the man off his feet out of Ridley’s way, sending the hockey player sliding across the ice. Devan celebrates with a beast-like roar as he pounds his stick against his chest like a gorilla as Ridley passes the puck to Tor. Tor aims so fast the goalie anticipates the shot will go underneath him. He splits, his body taking up the entire net, but the puck is airborne and hits the back of the net, flying right past his helmet.

“Hell yeah!!” I whoop as the lights flash around the arena, the horn goes off and the pandemonium of the crowd is like nothing I’ve ever witnessed. The chants go off amongst the people beside us as they all shout, “Mountain! Mountain! Mountain!” From watching the past three games from my living room couch, I know it’s what the fans call Tor.

I look around and take in the fans jumping up and down, blowing horns and whistles, hugs, and high-fives,and I feel it then. The gratification you feel when you cheer for your favorite team, the love for the players, and the thrill of watching them play well. I turn my attention to the ice where Tor and Ridley are in the middle of a quick team celebration. A sense of pride and something else stirs in me. Tor breaks away from his teammates, cuts across the ice in our direction. He points his stick my way, and with a flourish befitting a king, he bows to me. To me. Okay, I’m not going to deny the swoon factor. I practically melt in my seat and my panties are doing the same. An arena full of people and here this gorgeous, fine as hell man is giving me all of his focus.

“Jaz!! You lucky bitch.” Lia nudges my side with a teasing laugh, but I can’t take my eyes off the man in front of me. In this moment, time slows, everything else falls away, and all I want is to bask in his presence. I can happily spend the rest of my days rooting for him from the sidelines. Wear his jersey, be his everything if he wants me. My decision to just let this play out is solidified. I don’t want to fight this feeling. One thing is clear, I want this man in my life. I’m willing to take on whatever repercussions I may face because I know he will protect me, and in return I will do the same for him. Even when the cameras turn in my direction, projecting my face around the arena, I don’t shy away or flinch. Oh, the feeling is there. I want to hide underneath my seat and shrink into the shadows like the pseudo-introvert I am. Instead, I hold my head up and smooth my hand down my number fifteen jersey, his jersey and I point at it with the widest smile on my face. To my surprise, the gesture makes the crowd go berserk, they cheer louder!

“Oh shit, this is crazy,” I say to Lia. Placing my hand over my rapidly beating heart, I try to catch my breath. Breathe, Alexis.I am not hyperventilating, it’s nerves. I just waved hello to the world, and it was absolutely terrifying, but what’s done is done.

“Omg, Jaz! This is nuts. I told you not to worry. The bunnies are going to hate you, of course, but that’s because they want to be you. Hell, I’m Ridley’s sister and I still get the stink eye. The fans though, the ride or dies, they are happy for Tor,” she says, taking her seat as the noise dies down and the player shift changes on the ice. Tor, Devan and Ridley jump over the boards and the trainers swarm them like flies, passing out water and tending injuries quickly. Skating resumes on the ice, and everything dies down as Dallas tries and fails to regain their lead.

My phone buzzes in my pocket as Tor takes the ice once more. Keeping my eyes on the game, I pull my phone out of my back pocket to a barrage of text messages. I roll my eyes as the group chat with my sisters blows the hell up.

Dawn: You were going to tell us about the hockey player when?

Shay: After she apologizes for ghosting her sister besties, that’s when. Or am I wrong sister?

ME: You two were definitely on my to do list, I promise.

Shay: Dawn, we made the ‘to do list’? Lucky us.

Dawn: We’ve only been dealing with your leftover mess these last few months, Alexis. . .

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