Page 34 of For Pucking Keeps

Tonight is the night of the Lit! Awards. I’m equal parts excited and nervous all at once. My stomach flips with giddy anticipation as I look forward to being amongst fellow authors and spending the event with Tor by my side. But there’s anxiety as well. Somewhere in the dark parts of my mind I ready myself to mourn what I stand to lose because I haven’t come clean to Tor. I’ve chosen to dig in my heels and hold on to him for dear life, burying my head in the sand for good measure.

The weeks leading up to this day passed in a blur of writing and preparing for the upcoming holiday. Tor and I fell into our normal routine, well, as normal as we could considering we barely see each other in person. FaceTime is our lifeline as the Vipers have had back-to-back away series for the past three weeks.The days that he’s home with me at his penthouse are fleeting, and we spend most of it locked in each other’s arms. Too lost in missing each other to do anything else but cling to one another. Lia and I keep each other company, watching the games together and planning Christmas activities for when my mother and sisters, along with their kids, come to visit. At least Tor will have a few days off to celebrate and get to know the other important people in my world. My family will become his family, the thought brings tears of joy to my eyes. Tor deserves more people in his life who will love him just as much as I do.

This is what life will be like if we decide to make our lives together permanent. Now I understand what all the hockey wives commiserated about when I first met them during some of my first few home games. The hockey season is brutal, and it is hard on couples and even harder on those with children. I miss Tor like mad when he’s away, my chest feels hollow and empty as my soul searches for its other half. But I have my writing and with my deadline looming, it has been easy to push the ache for him deep down. Only when he returns to me do I feel like my complete self. Yet the sacrifice is worth it, we are both achieving our goals and doing it together. Is it insane to wonder how I ever survived without him before we met? My entire life I was seeking him and didn’t know it. Mace and Shaundid me a favor, I would have been merely existing if I had married Shaun. No one should live their life as a hollow shell of themselves, a husk without substance.

Julia stands behind me, her tall slender frame and dark brown skin is model worthy as she rocks a green, emerald encrusted floor-length sleeveless gown. Her dark brown eyes find mine and she offers me a small smile, reading me like a book. She tilts her head and raises a questioning perfectly arched brow at me.

“I can feel your anxiety radiating off you in waves, Lex. Breathe,” she says, giving my shoulder a squeeze as she dusts off some invisible lint from the robe I’m wearing. Mascara wand hovering over my lash, my fingers shake but I try to steady my hand. “My stomach is in knots, Jules. I’m excited and honored to receive this award tonight. But Shaun?—”

Julia snaps her fingers and points at me in admonishment. “No! Just no, Alexis! You will not let him ruin this night for you. I’ve done what I can to make sure he and Mace are nowhere near you tonight. Your achievements are your own, don’t let him tell you otherwise. I’ve warned Mace not to try to apologize for the thousandth time. He promised he will stay away. I have your back. Tor will be right beside you. Relax, please.” She lifts her hands up and down in an attempt to get me to do what she says.

I take a deep breath, “It’s not just Shaun, though. Everyone is talking about my upcoming release. I know it’s still months away but it’s highly anticipated, considering the genre and the man in my life. How can he not accuse me of ill intent when I finally come clean?” I want to hold my head in my hands but think twice about it considering my makeup is perfect.

“Because he loves you, Alexis. That man is so far gone he wouldn’t walk away so easily,” she says with such confidence. I want to believe her, hell, I know he loves me. But if people caught on to the fact that some of the things I wrote were about him, amended of course, but still, I took inspiration from his situation as a kid. . .his mom. . . Too fucking personal. If the press finds out. The thought makes me physically sick to my stomach. He will hate me.

The back of my eyes sting as I scoot my chair back and stand. Julia helps me remove my robe to reveal my red tulle off the shoulder gown. I don’t recognize myself. But Tor insisted I go out and buy a gown, something special and elegant befitting a queen. His words, not mine, of course. So I went out and found something just for him. The bodice molds over my breasts then cinches my waist, accenting my curvy hourglass shape. The skirt flares out in layers of sheer tulle with a long split, that shows maybe a little too much of my thigh. I have no doubt Tor will lose his damn mind when he sees me.

“You look absolutely stunning, Alexis. This”—Juliapoints at my dress—“This dress is Jazminne Starr. This is who she is. Own it. When you feel yourself flagging, wear your confidence mask, and hold your head up high. You deserve this.”

I smooth my hands down my dress, my flat-ironed hair hangs over my shoulders, silky and straight. I wear my armor with pride, the drums of the battle to come beat somewhere in the distance. I don’t know if it’s intuition or my own sense of foreboding, but I’m this close to telling Julia to go without me. Something is bound to happen tonight. I can feel it, but I can’t pump the brakes to stop this inevitable car crash. So instead of letting it fester, I resign myself to my fate. Because backing out isn’t an option. I roll my shoulders back, smile at her through the mirror and exit the bathroom.

No matter what happens, I will face it with Tor by myself.

TOR

“Parker, why did you schedule this, today of all days?” I groan for the millionth time. The camera flashes in my face as I pose and wait for more instructions. The luxury watch on my wrist will be on billboards everywhere soon, just more publicity I don’t want but endorsements are a necessary evil for athletes. I know I can’t play hockey forever, as much as I want to. I have to plan for my future and that is what my agent is for. I know that, but sometimes, especially today, I want to fire him.

“Because you pay me to make sure you have nothing but the best.” He gestures all around us. The studio full of workers scurry around to finish this photo shoot in time for me to leave for Jaz’s event tonight. I made it very clear I am walking out with or without their photos, my time is too precious to be delayed. I will never be late for her, ever.

“I guess you can be forgiven. I mean, this watch will go perfectly with my tux.” I smirk as I’m told to tilt my wrist toward the camera. I smile and hold still, wanting to close my eyes against the continuous flashing.

“Hey, I negotiated that as well. Considering there will be press there tonight, they might as well get a shot of you wearing it. Speaking of.” I watch out of my periphery as he shifts nervously a few feet away from me, then runs his hands down his face. Parker works too hard, he’s been my agent for years, I consider him a friend, enough to worry about his wellbeing at least. That being said, I know him well enough to know when he’s holding back.

“Yes, you were saying.” I raise my brow curiously as the photographer mutters a hushed curse. I realize I moved my arm when I turned my body toward Parker and he didn’t get his shot.

I turn back to him and offer my sincere apology, focusing forward. Parker sighs. “So, I spoke to Jaz’s publisher, her best friend, Julia.”

I fight the need to give him my attention. “Yeah? Why does she want to speak to you?” I ask as the photographer’s assistant approaches me and chooses to pose my hand herself. I guess instructions weren’t enough.

“Well, she’s been in touch with the Vipers’ PR Team. She wants Jaz to do a signing at the arena for the book launch. Considering the book is about hockey, the team thought it would be a great idea. They want you to be there along with her, you know, because you two are together. . .yadda, yadda, yadda. I told her I would talk to you about it. It’s a win for all parties involved I guess.” I hear what he’s saying, but I’m picking up on hesitancy as well.

“What are you not saying? What’s wrong? Whatever Jaz needs, I will support her,” I say without any hesitation on my end. I don’t know why Parker thinks this is a bad idea, he’s spent months taking down negative blogs and posts from social media about Jaz and me.

“Have you read it yet?” he asks after a moment. I glance over and he checks his watch, doing what I’m paying him to do.

“Read what yet?” I ask, playing dumb. I know exactly what he is asking me, but why?

“Don’t play dumb, Tor. You know I am asking you if you’ve read Jaz’s book.” I can’t see his face but I know he is frowning at me.

The camera flashes again and annoyance takes hold. I don’t have time for this. I need to get out of here, so of course I take that out on my agent. “The book isn’t finished; she doesn’t want me to see it until then. I asked, she refused. Hell, she won’t even let me in her writing cave. Why? It’s a romance book. I will read it, just not yet.”

I can see him hold his hands up in surrender out of the corner of my eye. “I want you to be prepared, or better yet, I want to be prepared if there is any fallout about it.”

I snap. “Why would there be? What do you know?” I turn and walk toward him as the camera man calls behind me, “That’s a wrap,” I am sure he is probably calling time out of irritation but fuck it. Oh well. How many damn pictures do you need to take of a watch? I’m letting my frustration show and I know it.

“I don’t know anything. But the rumor mills have been churning for months. You’ve forgotten, I am the one fielding every blog post, every negative comment. I read what these so-called fans are saying, because it’s my job. I like Jaz, but she is not my priority, you are.” Parker falls into step beside me as we make our way toward the dressing room. Checking my overpriced watch, I curse. I need to get dressed and meet Jaz within an hour.

Sensing my panic, Parker gets right to business. “Your tux is in your dressing room. Your driver is waiting outside, Jaz and her friend Julia are being picked up as we speak. You will arrive on time, all knight in shining armor like.”

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