Page 22 of Ceridor

Three-way hugs were weird and kind of awkward, but we broke apart when Magnus charged into the inn and grabbed his brother in a bear hug. Ceridor grunted and tried to cover it with a laugh, but I winced at the note of pain I'd heard and reached out to tell Magnus to take it easy.

"It's so good to see you! You took too long! And what the hell is wrong with your handwriting? You said you'd be back by the first snow passes clearing, but that was already several weeks ago," exclaimed Magnus.

Effie and I touched gazes. So Ceridor hadn't told his brother (and by proxy his father) that he was injured. He'd only told us.

Magnus pulled back from his brother and kissed his lady. "Hey, sweet."

"Hey," Effie replied, then giggled when Magnus scooped her up and spun her around with a triumphant "Ceridor's home!" She laughed and swatted him, but Magnus wouldn't let her toes touch the ground, instead letting her slide down just enough for some world-class smooches.

Ceridor touched my hand and I looked at him, my heart so full of relief. I took his hand and squeezed. Ceridor cocked his head to the bedroom and I followed, linking our fingers together.

"Are we just brothers-in-law, or do we have some making up to do?" Ceridor joked.

We weren't technically brothers-in-law, since Magnus and Effie weren't married, but they certainly loved each other.

I laughed. "Don't even get me started on how confusing that is."

When we got to the bedroom, I was relieved when Ceridor slipped into bed fully clothed rather than stripping. There was still so much for me to process, I didn't think I could be intimate.

"Hold me till I fall asleep? I need to nap quick," he asked.

"Sure, honey."

I slid onto the bed, but he flinched when I reached for him. "What?"

"My right arm is still injured," he explained, expression wary. "Hold me around the waist?"

"Okay. Your handwriting scared me half to death."

Then my lover looked at me, and the vulnerability in his clear blue eyes made the rest of the world fall away.

"I'm sorry I scared you, Johann. I scared myself. I was laid up for a long time. I'm grateful the medic at the monastery that I know—Corbi, Marit's partner—is so generous and treated me outside of the clinic so I didn't have to pay him nearly as much."

My tears resurfaced, burning me again. "It would have broken me if I'd lost you, Ceridor. It takes all the strength I have just to believe you're safe." And now with this attack, that illusion was well and truly shattered.

"Can you help me fall asleep?" he pleaded, "I need to sleep, then we'll talk."

"Okay,Schatz."

I soothed my beloved, covering his eyes with the cloth mask he used when he needed to sleep during the day. I spooned behind him, connecting us from shoulder to toe. Ceridor shuddered and the sigh that escaped him nearly got me crying again, but I held it together long enough for him to drift off to sleep. He must have traveled through the night to get here and be this exhausted. Either that, or he didn't trust himself enough to sleep well on the road.

Ceridor's breathing evened out. I waited a few more minutes to make sure he was well and truly asleep, then slid from behind him and carefully slipped out the door.

Magnus and Effie were working on something together in the kitchen, so I grabbed my shoes and dashed right out.

It didn't matter that I'd just come from the group workout. I needed to run this off.

Chapter Fifteen

Johann

As I jogged through town, I let my mind relax and didn't overly think about anything. Exercise had always been good for me like this. It helped me to feel empowered and strong, as if by working my muscles I also strengthened my body and my will. If I wanted to be a warrior who fought under Ulbrecht, and maybe one day took over as regional petty king of West Danube, I had to be able to recognize when I needed a break because the stimulation had gotten overwhelming. And in situations when I couldn't immediately take that break—in the midst of battle for one thing—I had to have the skills to hold it together until I could do so.

This was where all the self-work I'd been doing for the past two years had come in. Though Effie had fully embraced the identity of a businesswoman and trained under Hilda with all her heart and energy, I'd pivoted into something of a monk who just happened to live at the inn and help my sister.

First, I'd worked through the texts on the psychological effects of child abuse, and started using the daily tools to retake my inner power and my brain function. It was fairly apparent to me after reading a bit, that I had some sort of neurological dysregulation. When I got overwhelmed it was like I had a beehive in my brain, going at such a high volume I couldn't easily put thoughts together or otherwise function very well.

The technique to counter it involved writing my fears and resentments on scrap pieces of paper, surrendering them to the gods, and then burning them in the fireplace at the inn. After that, I jogged over to the creek that ran through town, and sat on the bank quietly listening for twenty minutes, letting my mind relax and be soothed back into a state of calm by the sound of the running water. Druids had relaxed their minds and meditated by rivers, streams, and creeks some 2500 years ago, right here in what was then ancient Helvetica, part of Gaul. It felt cool to follow in such a mighty legacy.

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