Page 23 of Awariye

Then my stomach growled again, reminding me to not neglect my health in favor of inspiration. Clasping my hands together, I thanked the gods I prayed to, and thanked the lantern gods for allowing me this space to see and understand the mistakes I'd made, and also eventually find the way forward.

CHAPTERFOURTEEN

AWARIYE

Giddy on my way to breakfast, I made a mental list of things to ask Wren. Maybe he had some paper I could use for journaling. I needed to get my mental baggage written down so it didn't attempt to disappear into my subconscious and then proceed to haunt me.

These changes I wanted to make going forward, of a new, stronger Awariye, had me more excited about living my life than I'd felt in a long time. In a very practical sense, one of my close friends was boyfriends with a king. That meant that I did not have to fear dying from poverty anymore. Even if I still struggled to find a patron to sponsor me, Wren had made it clear that he would always welcome me at his forest hut, and indeed that he worried about getting too lonely up there. I'd swing by and keep him company, see my friend, cheer up, and restock on nutrition, since Ulbrecht would definitely keep Wren supplied.

That meant I could preserve my voice for when it was really important, and with that strength on call, maybe I could actually find a patron.

Things were looking up for the first time in so long.

And not only that, but Igor...just thinking about him had me grinning like a loon, bashfully hiding it when Mindi the dog trainer greeted me as we passed each other in the hallway. The way Igor looked at me...I'd never felt such care and affection from another man. I hoped the feelings he summoned inside me were being felt on his end, too. I hoped this was more than just tumble-in-bed friends by circumstance, more than men just finding release in each other's bodies. I wanted Igor to be mine, to be able to consider myself his. We had such a propensity to cuddle and then fall asleep we never got around to seriously talking about these things.

I whipped into the dining area by the kitchen to find everyone already at breakfast, Igor sitting across the table from Wren and the king.

"Morgen. Wren, could I have some writing paper; do you have any from the monastery?"

"Sure. Marit sewed me some pamphlets before I left—"

Igor stood up so fast he knocked his chair to the floor, causing everyone to jump. "Awariye."

Everything stopped when I saw the shocked look on his face. "Ja?Is something wrong?"

He stammered, as if he couldn't believe his eyes. "You're here. You were gone this morning."

Wren gasped. "Oh no—that's why you were so sullen! I'm sorry, Igor, I could have told you. I heard Awariye singing in the lantern chapel when I swung by at dawn. I figured he was praying, so I tabled my morning ritual and left him be."

"Entschuldigung, Igor," I apologized, finally catching on. "I got up and decided to get back into my meditation practices now that I'm feeling better."

At a loss for words, he looked around at everyone witnessing his outburst, then his face turned a beet red and he stormed out. As the door fell shut I finally found my feet again, so frozen at this night-and-day change in him. I went after him to Wren's apologies, needing to make sure any hurt I had caused was soothed.

He was charging down the hall, but when I called to him, he whipped around and instead paced, dashing his hands into his hair and seeming to scold himself.

"Igor," I began. "I'm sorry you thought I'd left. I didn't have any paper to leave you a note telling you where I was going, but to be honest, that didn’t occur to me. I didn't realize how that might look to you."

His eyes locked on me, the open pain in his expression stealing my breath away and making my eyes burn with tears. "You're a bard, Awariye. Now that you're feeling better, it's your job to leave, and it's mine to stay. I thought you'd left in the night to avoid a painful goodbye; that this was how it had to be because neither of us will change our vocations. I'm just a... man to warm your bed, a safe haven for you on your travels."

"Nein," I protested. "You're much more to me than that."

He swallowed, his voice hollowed out. "You're more to me than that, too."

I held my arms open and he came to me, rushing in and squeezing me tight, lifting me up onto my tiptoes.

"I'm sorry I made you sad," I apologized again, then rushed forward with my confessions, unwilling to hold back any longer. "I love you, Igor. I want to be with you. When I travel, I will leave my heart here. Take it with you when you go to battle."

Igor squeezed me tight, sniffling. "Ich liebe dich, Awariye. I fell in love with you when I heard you sing."

That shattered me, and the tears fell. I couldn't hold myself together any longer. As I cried, I realized Igor was hefting me up in his grip so he could walk down the hall while carrying me. I wrapped my legs around his waist, making it easier. He sent me a watery smile and hugged me around my middle, taking us down the halls and toward our room where we could comfort each other with some privacy.

* * *

IGOR

I carried my sweet bard into our room and laid him carefully on the bed, kneeing up to hover over him. Awariye leaned forward and I met him in a kiss, only interrupted by his stomach growling.

"Oh nein," I exclaimed. "I carried you away from breakfast; let's go back."

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