Page 20 of Grumpy Puck

His eyes become tiny coals.“Pooh, as inWinnie the?”

“Ah, right.”I bat my eyelashes at him innocently.“Sorry, Shmoopy, I forgot how sensitive you are when it comes to… teddies.”

Michael balls his hands.“This will never fucking work.”

“It has to,” Eve says.“I’m sure she can call you something other than Shmoopy.”

“And since we’re on that subject,” Adam says.“Are we sure Honey and Boo Boo can’t be an option?”

Michael slams his fist on the table.“Mention those names again, and I’m out.”

“How abouttsar?”Linda asks.“That’s Russian, likeptichka.”

“Doesn’t it mean ‘king?’”I demand.

“Emperor.”A smug smile touches the corners of Michael’s lips, and it makes me remember how it felt when I was kissing them.

“No way,” I say, both to my treacherous memory and thetsarsuggestion.“Also, before anyone asks, also out of the question are words like sir, master, and daddy.”

“How about bunny?”Linda asks.“What does that sound like in Russian?”

“As in ‘Honey Bunny?’”Eve clarifies.

“No fucking honey.”Michael practically roars the sentence, like a honey-deprived bear.

“Can I steer clear of Russian altogether?”I suggest.“I don’t speak it, so it would be suspicious if?—”

“Fucking fine,” Michael growls.“Call me boo.”

“Boo Boo?”Adam asks in a loud whisper.

“No,” Michael replies menacingly.“A singular fucking boo.”

“Calm down, boo,” I say.“Adam’s just thinking about the PR of the whole thing, not trying to hurt your fuzzy feelings.”

Adam looks at me gratefully, and I can tell he wants to continue the double Boo/Honey debate, but is afraid to.

Michael takes in a deep breath, then blows it out with an annoyed whoosh.His voice is a touch less growly as he says, “I think we’ve gotten sidetracked with the nicknames, and I take responsibility for that.What we really should discuss is, how are we supposed to make people believe that we’re a couple?”

I whip around to face him, my hand ready to slap his cheek.“Are you saying I don’t look like someone you would date?”

“No.”Michael looks at the ceiling as if he’s hoping a lightning strike will put him out of his misery.“What I meant was… I haven’t dated in years.Everyone knows this.”

Why do I like that factoid?Is something wrong with me?

Adam perks up.“Your lack of dating is why the video caught the initial attention of your fans.As to how to make people believe—don’t worry about that.In fact, your official statements can be that you’re ‘just friends.’What you need to do is be seen together as much as possible, ‘accidentally’ allow paparazzi to take more photos, and strategically stage another kiss.”

Before I can violently protest, Linda clears her throat.“You don’t need to kiss, or partake in any intimacy for that matter.”

“Right, right,” Adam says, looking majorly disappointed.“Just spend time together, and when it comes to touching and whatnot, do as much as you’re comfortable with.”

“Or none at all,” Linda says insistently.

At the thought of Michael touching me “and whatnot,” a blush spreads from my toes to the very top of my head.“Where do you suggest we go to be seen?”

Adam shrugs.“Visit sick kids?Be there for Michael after his games?”

“I’m a mascot on the team,” I say.“I’ll be there for the games regardless.”

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