Page 1 of Grumpy Puck

Chapter1

Calliope

Istare into the bathroom mirror.The insane eyes of a killer clown/plush bear hybrid glare back at me from underneath giant red spectacles.

“All right, Calliope,” I tell myself.“Time to get into character.”Creasing my brow, I growl, “Bearman angry.Bearman want honey—the sweet nectar, the poo of bee, not big-breasted Pookie-poo.Roar.Now Bearman want a piece of Pookie-poo’s ass.”

Under the clown-bear’s head, Wolfgang’s tiny toes reassuringly massage my scalp.I grab a rat pellet from my jean pocket and sneak it into my headgear.

Yes, I brought one of my pet rats to this new job.No, I haven’t learned my lesson, not even after being banned from every theme park in Orlando for getting caught rat-handed.

But how could I not let Wolfgang tag along?He gets terrible separation anxiety whenever I leave without him.

A toilet flushes, which I take as my cue to leave the bathroom and go in search of the ice rink.

Wherever that is.

Maybe I should have asked the HR lady?Or the coach?

This arena is enormous, way bigger than what I imagined a Florida hockey team would have.I wander down one hallway after another before coming across a beefy dude who reminds me of a kangaroo.

“Excuse me,” I say.“Which way is the ice rink?”

He tells me, but when I follow his directions, I end up in a chlorine-scented room where the water is still in liquid form.

“Do you think ice rinks are pools when they’re not sufficiently cold?”I ask Wolfgang.

As usual, I can picture his reply.It comes in a professorial tone with a heavy German accent:

Meine Liebe, the energy required to freeze such a large body of water would be astronomical.That electricity would be much better spent running pumps attached to a million cow teats so that the resulting milk could be turned into a billion bliss-filled cubes of cheddar.

I sigh.It seems like I might have to get my phone out and call?—

Do I hear a pack of hyenas behind me?

“Mr.Bloom!”someone shouts loudly before I can turn.“Are you ready for your swim?”

Mr.Bloom?

Wait a second.That’s the name of the mascot, which means?—

Someone pushes me from behind.

Shit.My furry arms flail like those of a scarecrow in a hurricane, and then I fall right into the pool.

Splash.

Adrenaline spiking, I rip the bear’s head off of me to make sure Wolfgang can swim freely.Then I spit out the nasty pool water that got into my mouth.

“What the fuck?”says a menacing, growly voice from dry land.“That isn’t Ted.”

Does he mean the guy I replaced?Shouldn’t everyone here know that he’s missing?Then again, maybe not.The coach did swear me to secrecy.

There’s a huge splash, and then a big, sexily hairy arm wraps around my waist under the water.

Okay.This is a rescue.Thank goodness.

I grab Wolfgang from where he’s scrambling to stay afloat and allow the arm owner to drag me out of the pool and set me down onto my feet.

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