Page 98 of If Only In Our Dreams

“Now that we’re away from the scary escalator,” Robin tipped his head up, eyes dancing. “How about that kiss?”

I leaned down, grinning as I took his mouth in a searing, lingering kiss.

A camera flashed, and I flinched, pulling back in surprise.

Robin froze, his smile wobbling as he twisted around, the loose posture he’d had only moments prior now stiff and uncomfortable.

“What’s wrong?” I asked. The family that had been posing in front of the North Pole display we’d stopped by, continued taking photos.Flash, flash.

“It’s nothing,” Robin said, despite the fact it was obviously not nothing.

I didn’t push.

But Robin didn’t relax. As we shopped for winter clothes for him, he remained stiff and curled in on himself. He continuously glanced around us, as though he was scared to be out in public.

As if he was…

As if he was scared to be out in public…with me.

I stiffened too.

I tried to push the thought to the side. Because I knew that wasn’t like Robin at all. Not the Robin I knew. But this icy, paranoid, uncomfortable person beside me didn’t feel like my Robin anymore. He tried to pay for the clothing I’d selected for him, but I refused, carefully pushing his credit card to the side.

It was a black card.

His wealth had never been more obvious than it was in that moment.

It felt like a cavern had opened up between us and I hated it.

This was the first time we’d felt off when we were together. And I didn’t…I didn’t know how to fix it. Robin said thank you and smiled at me when the clerk handed me back my own card and then the now-full shopping bags, but his smile was a hollow ghost of the smile he usually gave me.

And that was…god.

It was awful.

Rather than let the rest of the night go on like this, I urged Robin toward a private space inside the outdoor mall. It was my favorite spot to take the girls. Sometimes they’d get overstimulated in public and need a moment of quiet.

Off the beaten path lined with shops, there was a tiny little grove. They usually set it up for Santa’s Village, or the Easter Bunny in the spring, but it wasn’t late enough in the year for that. Which meant it was empty as we arrived, and I gently steered Robin toward the solitary bench near the back end of the little cove. I urged him to sit, hovering over him as I debated what to do.

The echo of the mall was still behind us, but it was quieter now. Quiet enough I could hear the panicked uptick of Robin’s breath as he did as he was told without complaint, his broad shoulders shuddering.

What was?—

What…

Oh.

It had taken me far too long to realize what was going on, considering the fact I had panic attacks myself. But there was no denying what exactly was happening to Robin now as he quaked and quaked, sitting in my shadow, his green eyes half-lost.

“Oh, darling,” I sighed, sinking down to my knees, despite their immediate protest. They ached as I hovered my hands over Robin’s cheeks, pausing before touching him, because I didn’t know if it would be welcome. “Can I touch you?”

“Just…just a little, okay?” Robin nodded jerkily, his breaths still ragged, his body still pulled in tight. Fight or flight. I could see it now. See the way he itched and itched to run. “Just my face.”

His skin was icy cold as I cupped his face in my palms, gently stroking over it.

“It’s okay, sweetheart,” I promised quietly.

We sat there for a long time.

---