Page 23 of If Only In Our Dreams

“I can’t think when you’re towering over me. Come sit.” I patted the stone beside mine and Ben frowned but strode my way anyway after a moment of deliberation. He sat beside me, still towering. He couldn’t help that he was a goddamn giant.

“Better?” Ben asked.

“Not really. You’re still fucking huge, dude.”

Ben laughed, and the sound lit me up all over again. It was weird. I didn’t often like people, not like this. He was…nice. Which wasn’t usually the kinda person I found myself drawn to, but I didn’t fight it. Why would I? When he smelled like a department store cologne and he chuckled like that?

“You were telling me why you look sad,” Ben reminded me as if I’d forgotten.

“I’m notsad,” I told him, staring up at Miles’s perfect house, and his perfect family inside it, and the perfect world he lived in.

“Bullshit.”

“Careful, Rosie might hear you,” I joked, shrugging a shoulder. “She already emptied out my wallet. She’ll come for yours next.”

“What?” Ben’s eyes widened. He was obviously surprised I’d met Rosie. Or maybe he was surprised that his daughter was a four-year-old mob boss. Either way, the surprise was real. Andlooked really fucking cute on his face. Thick brows drawn high and together, a little tick in his jaw, his lashes as dark and fluttery as fucking Bambi.

“Sorry, I deflect when I’m nervous,” I admitted, my mouth suddenly dry.

Ben softened, his surprise melting away as he nodded. “Me too.”

“Miles is happy,” I told him, finally answering his question because he’d asked. I’d learned throughout my life that people didn’t ask unless they cared at least a little. And maybe sometimes they only cared because they wanted to hurt you. But when I looked into Ben’s eyes I didn’t see any ire at all.

And I figured…even though I’d already decided I wouldn’t climb him like I wanted to, it wouldn’t be a bad thing if I left Belleville after the holidays with a Ben-shaped friend.

“He is,” Ben agreed, patient as ever.

“I’m notsad,” I repeated, even though my eyes burned and a tear slipped its way down the shell of my cheek.

Ben frowned at me, calling bullshit without even having to open his mouth. He shifted a little, though the movement was awkward, betraying how uncomfortable talking about feelings must make him. His shoulder brushed mine. I melted.

“I’m happy.” I sniffed, the alcohol getting to me. Or maybe it was the sleepless nights. The loneliness.

“You looksuperhappy,” Ben deadpanned sarcastically. He reached out and gently scrubbed a thumb across my cheek. I imagined he did the same thing for his toddlers, and that should’ve ruined that for me, should’ve made me feel small and babyish. Should’ve filled me with shame, but it didn’t.

Instead, I felt warm and safe and cared for.

“Shut up,” I snorted, brow scrunching just like his was. I reached up to bat him off, but realized halfway through the motion that I didn’t want to. So I dropped my hand back to mylap, thumb picking at the chipped polish on my pointer finger instead. “I’m just…”

We were back to this again.

An annoying loop I’d caused, but I couldn’t seem to stop.

“I’m just worried I’m going to ruin it.”

“Why do you think you would ruin it?” Ben asked, dropping his hand from my face and taking its comfort with him.

It was only because I was drunk that the next words slipped free.

Normally, when I was well-rested my mind was a steel trap. But the eggnog had whittled away my walls. Or maybe that was Ben’s influence. Ben and his observant, gorgeous eyes. Ben and the fact that he was quiet enough to hear me, even when I whispered.

Inhibitions be damned, my darkest secret spilled from my lips to a total stranger.

“I’m poison. That’s just what I do.”

After Robin’s confession at his welcome party, I hadn’t expected to see him up close again. He’d looked miserable the moment the words came out, like he hadn’t meant to say them at all. And when I’d offered to drive him home, he’d refused.

He’d very clearly wanted to be left alone, and I respected that—even though it felt inherently wrong to leave when he looked as sad as he did.

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