Page 147 of If Only In Our Dreams

“Is fine,” Ben finished for me. “Just…move slowly.”

“Okaaay.” With a hum, I very,verycarefully let him take my weight, settling into his waiting grip, and laughing as my belly swooshed and Ben squeezed me in close. Dangling in the air I could feel the rapid thump of his heart as his familiar scent filled my lungs.

He pressed a kiss to my ear, and then my cheek, and then my forehead. His stubble tickled. My skin buzzed—and for the first time in a long time, it felt like there wasn’t a noose hanging over my neck.

I was free.

“I quit,” I told him, even though he already knew that.

“I’m proud of you,” Ben hummed. Somehow coming from him it felt different than when Nancy said it. I’d loved it then too—I didn’t think I’d ever tire of hearing those words, I’d received them so sparingly in the past. But still.

When Ben said “I’m proud of you” it was because he understood what I’d done.

Not only that I’d picked him—but that I’d picked myself.

He knew better than anyone what I’d been struggling with.

He was the keeper of my heart, after all.

“I’m so happy you’re here,” I told him, the emotions bubbling up as my arms tightened around him. “On Christmas Eve too—” My throat was hoarse, and my eyes burned, a great hiccuping sob escaping. “What about Santa?” My voice cracked right down the middle. “What about the presents under the tree—and the cocoa you have in the cupboard? And all the plans we made? And the—and the?—”

“It’s not Christmas without you, baby,” Ben’s lips were against my ear, his breath warm as he made a soft shushing sound as I blubbered. “I was never going to let you spend another Christmas alone. The girls and I decided we needed to come take you home. Besides…” I pulled back a little, grinning when Ben winked. “When I called Santa he said he didn’t mind postponing the holiday one more day so you could be there.”

I couldn’t stop crying. Once the waterworks had begun I was fuckingdone-zo,motherfucker. My makeup ran, but I couldn’t be assed to care. Not when Ben was here. And the girls were here. And even though I was embarrassing myself in front of Trixie—ohmygod—I was sohappy.

So fuckinghappy.

The rest of the night was a blur of well wishes. Nancy tried to help me with my makeup at one point—and I only let her because I didn’t want to look like a hot mess parading Ben around the rest of the night.

The girls spent a long time at the window with their mom, staring out at the city below, their chubby little hands leaving prints. Ben and I mobbed the refreshment table, feeding each other tiny little bite-sized potatoes and cuts of steak. And by the time the last of the guests left, the girls, Ben, and I were ready to fucking go to bed.

I spared one last thank you to Nancy—silently of course—when we entered my room and I realized that the sheets and blankets had all been washed, the bed remade. The girls eyed it with wide grins, all its pillows piled high—and launched themselves at it like the wild hyenas they were.

We bundled up, the four of us, squashed together in my bed as the massive Christmas tree below the loft winked at us.

The girls were asleep the second their heads hit the pillows, but Ben and I stayed awake for a few more precious minutes. Smoothing my hand over Jane’s hair and her crooked pigtails, I leveled Ben with a look I hoped conveyed all my excitement—all my gratitude—all at once.

“I love you,” I told him quietly, because it was true. “I love you so much.”

“I love you too,” Ben’s palm was warm and scratchy as he stroked over my cheek.

“I never want to be away from you again.”

“Me neither.”

“Is that…is that okay?” My heart wobbled, my eyes wet—again—despite the fact I’d spent the last two days crying, it felt like. “Because I literally mean never. Like. People can pry you from my cold dead body.”

“JesusChrist,” Ben laughed, my favorite sound in the whole wide world.

“Was it worth it?” I asked, because I needed to know. “Was waiting…for me worth it?”

He’d been patient. So fucking patient.

And I just…

“Does Mads Mikkelsen deserve another Oscar?” Ben countered, voice lilting with warmth. I sobbed out a laugh, smooching him hard enough our teeth clicked. He softened the kiss, urging me to slow down, his fingers bleeding heat againstmy skin. “Of course it was worth it,” he finally murmured. “I was waiting foryou.”

I felt like I was dying. Like my skin was on fire, and my heart was full-full-full. Breathless out of happiness. Excitement burning hot in my chest. Anxious for the future rather than because of the past.

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