Page 141 of If Only In Our Dreams

“Like growing pains,” I nodded, a hot tear dashing down my cheek.

I felt small, cold, and warm—all at the same time as Miles broke me apart one last time. “And it’s okay for growth to be uncomfortable, hell, take it from someone who knows.” He cracked a smile, and another tear slid down my cheek. “Iain’t good with words, you know that—I ain’t never been good with them,” Miles added, even though he’d literally just been shooting poetry out his ass. “So, instead of answering your question outright, I’m gonna finish lecturing you by asking you one of my own.”

The joke fell flat, but I appreciated it all the same. Miles’s lips were twisted into a gentle little smile that fell as quickly as it had risen.

“Okay,” my voice was raw.

My heart continued to thunder. Snow fell.

The world was quiet, quiet, quiet.

My cheeks were wet.

“You been running all your life, Robin.Aren’t you tired?”

Iwastired.

I was so fucking tired.

Even more so now that I was about to go back to the place I hated most in this world, instead of spending Christmas with the people I loved.

Another lonely Christmas.

Only it was worse this time, because I knew what I was leaving behind.

I nodded and it hurt so fucking bad to admit how weary my soul had become. But Miles said good things sometimes hurt. And those words were a balm on my heart as I sniffled.

“I’m so tired,” I admitted, voice rough and wet.

“Then maybe it’s time you let yourself rest.”

Then maybe it’s time you let yourself rest.

Then maybe it’s time you let yourself rest.

Miles’s words spun around inside my head. I pinched my eyes shut, more tears spilling free. His big hand lay on my shoulder again—probably another red light, judging by the color of my closed lids.

“And Belleville’s big enough for the both of us,” I hummed the words he’d spoken to me all those weeks ago.

“Sure is,” Miles agreed.

My heart was thumping as I opened my eyes and peered out at the dark, snowy roads. So different from the world I was used to seeing. An alternate reality that could be mine if I simply chose to keep it.

The snow fell and fell and fell.

My lungs opened up.

I breathed—and as easily as it had filled me, all those years ago, the poison in my lungs melted away. And I knew without a shred of doubt in my mind where I wanted to lay my weary head to rest.

The party was raging. Lights had been strung across the ceiling of my apartment. They dripped, glittering icicles sliding down the walls and making the space feel far more lively than it ever had before. A giant tree just like the one Nancy had showed me on her vision board sat in the corner. Probably twenty feet tall, the thing was coated in white and black bulbs to match the decor.

Everyone was mingling. They’d been mingling for hours, drinking champagne, munching hors d’oeuvres, and gossiping.

It all felt so…pointless.

Schmoozing.

People with enough money they could grind it up and gargle with it and never notice the loss. I missed Belleville fiercely and its madness as I sat on the window ledge near the back wall, watching, waiting for my turn to perform.

---