Page 47 of Say It Slowly

Until Lux.

She’s not afraid of me.

She’s strong, and snarky, and sexy as fuck.

What’s wrong with me? I hate her, but I can’t get enough of her. I’d fucking crawl inside her, if I could. I want to taste her, fuck her, strangle her. I want to inflict pain, then soothe it away.

I want to glut myself on her until there’s nothing left of either of us.

Get a fucking grip, dude.

Lux is a means to an end. That’s it. Nothing more. I have to remember that. But that doesn’t mean I can’t enjoy her body. I just need to keep my fucking emotions out of it.

Feel nothing.

That’s my new mantra.

Feel. Nothing.

CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE

Lux

This morning,when Roman left me on the beach, I felt a lot of different things: shame, regret, relief, then eventually anger that he’d just left me there like that.

But, I don’t know, maybe that was the best case scenario, because I didn’t have to face Roman’s pity. No awkward sympathies. No having to wave it off, and assure him that I’m okay, which is what I always end up doing. It’s weird, but the couple times I’ve talked about the incident, I always tried to minimize what happened to make the other person more comfortable.

Obviously that wasn’t an issue with Roman. I mean, we've only been entangled for a couple of weeks now. We’re not dating. He’s not my boyfriend, so I don’t know why I expected him to be more upset. He doesn’t owe me anything.

He clearly feltsomething,though. His face was hard, like he was trying to process what I’d just told him. I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s completely scared off by all the emotional baggage I carry now. It’s a lot to deal with. And honestly, if hehasbeen scared off, then it’s probably for the best, right? It’s what I’ve wanted from the beginning, to be left the fuck alone.

But the thought of Roman pulling away from me feels…uncomfortable, like there’s a heaviness in my chest. I swallow and push out a breath.

Just sit with that feeling. Let it flow over you.

Dr. Cunningham’s words. I sent him a message earlier. After recounting the details of that night, everything I felt a year ago had come rushing back to the surface, and I was worried it might send me spiraling into another depressive episode. Dr. Cunningham and I ended up chatting for a half-hour, and by the end of the call, I felt better.

I move through the rest of the day, and try not to think about Roman or Bree. No one has heard from her, and no one but me isat allworried by that, which just seems wild to me.

And my flyers have nettedzeroleads, so that was a gigantic waste of time. Either people don’t know anything, or they aren’t willing to speak up. It pisses me off when I think about it, because this is my best friend’s safety we’re talking about. And without help, how am I supposed to find her?

I’m walking across campus to the dining hall, when I see Nathan heading toward me.

“Hey, Lux,” he says with a smile. “Where are you headed?”

I return his smile. Out of everyone from the Burning Crown–except for Wyn—he’s been the nicest to me. “Hey. I was just headed to the cafeteria. You wanna come?” I pause, and glance around. “Unless you can’t be seen with me or something.”

Not only is Nathan a guy, which may piss Roman off, but half the membership of the Burning Crown wants me either dethroned, or dead, apparently. So, yeah, that might make Nathan think twice about sitting with me.

“Can’t be seen with you?” Nathan repeats, half-laughing.

I shrug one shoulder. “Roman has a temper tantrum when I hang out with other guys.”

That seems to trigger his memory, and his brown eyes widen. “Oh, yeah. Ash. They hate each other, though, so that’s probably why. I’m tight with Roman and his family, so we’re good.”

He relays that last bit with a sense of pride that I’ll never understand. Why are people so willing to turn away from the ugliness just so they can align themselves with power? It’s crazy.

Although…am I really any different? Sure, I put up a fight, but in the end, I’mliterallyputty in Roman’s hand. He knows exactly how to get what he wants from me, and ultimately, I give in. It’s infuriating, but I only have myself to blame.

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