Page 39 of Say It Slowly

I turn around to stir the noodles. The water is foaming now. “You know, he’s not the only one who’s had a shitty year. I’ve also been through a lot, but you don’t see me forcing people into situations they’re not comfortable with.”

“Yeah,” he says from behind me.

The noodles aren’t quite done, so I face Lucas again. “You know, honestly, I just want to be left alone.” How many millions of times have I said this over the past few weeks? I lift my left arm in the direction of the living room. “I didn’t wantanyof this.”

He nods, and glances down at his feet. “Just…give him a chance to change your mind.”

“Why are you so worried about his dating life?”

He glances back up at me and shrugs, dispelling the heaviness that hangs in the air. “If he’s good with you, then he’s good with us. That’s all.”

I nod, but I don’t believe him. He’s worried about his friend, that much is clear. But there’s another layer to all this that I’m just not getting.

Turning the burner off, I drain the noodles with a fork, but half the noodles slip past the tines and into the sink. “Yeah, well, I guess we’ll see how much your friend behaves himself.”

No answer.

When I turn around, Lucas is gone, and I shake my head.

Nice talk.

CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

Roman

I don’t even makeit out of the jail parking lot before curiosity eats away at me, and as I slip into the driver’s seat, I open the note my brother gave to me, and read the first few lines.

My Love,

I know you don’t want anything to do with me, and I don’t blame you….

I read the rest of it quickly, my gut clenching with every desperate word. Apologies. Placations. Declarations of undying love. I shake my head, and wonder how he can love someone who has done this to him, thrown him to the fucking wolves, and left him to his cruel fate?

I suck in a breath, and quickly fold the note back up, shoving it into my glove box. Reading that note unsettled me, my heart hammering against my ribs. Why? I sit in my car, staring out ofthe windshield, and realize, it’s because I recognize the energy in those words. That same dark obsession is pulsing insideme.

My brother’s voice swirls inside my head.Once you get a taste of her, trust me, brother, you’ll always want her.

As I start my engine, I glance at the glovebox, and decide to get rid of the letter as soon as possible. I’ll throw it away at the next gas station, because every second it’s in my possession, I feel something: guilt, betrayal, anger. Sadness for my brother. It’s all too much. He should never have written it, and I definitely shouldn’t have it in my fucking glovebox.

The next four hours slip by as I recount every word of my conversation with James. Every time I visit him, I’m drained afterward, and this visit was no exception. I could sleep for a fucking week.

Seeing my brother in that God-awful place fucks with me more than anything ever has. Even the fucked-up shit with my dad. When we were kids, my brother absorbed most of the abuse, but at least we were together. But last year, when shit went down, we were ripped apart for the first time in our lives. And for what, lies? Exaggerations? To get back at him for breaking up with her?

The way shit went down is hard to accept.

But,Christ,I feel like I’m slipping into madness. If I’m not thinking about my brother’s shitty situation, then my thoughts are focused on Lux. And the truth is, I’m feeling things for her that I thought I would never feel in my life. Things I never wanted to feel. And the fact that I do isn’t sitting well with me.

Don’t be a cunt. Get your shit together.

My dad’s words come back to me uninvited. They do this. Moments of self-doubt feed the monsters that my dad put inside my head. They live for this shit—any evidence that he was right about me.

Worthless.

Coward.

I scream into the silence of my car, slamming my hand against the steering wheel. Fuck this. I need to follow through with the plan, then everything can go back to the way it was with me, my brother, our lives. Everything from the past year can be fucking erased.

I can erase Lux.

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