Page 34 of Loving Lizzy

“Yeah. I’ll head to Seattle and finish getting the rest of my stuff from the office and hand over the last of my patients. Then I’ll come back and start adding files to my new office here and on the mountain. You can take your time.”

“Thank you for understanding.” Lizzy moved slowly over to her closet. “Can you help me get my leggings, fresh socks, and underwear? I left my tablet in the sunroom, can you please take it to the living room?”

“Yes, can I get you anything to eat?” Michael pulled out her favorite leggings and headed toward the dresser to pull out her other clothes.

“No, I’m not hungry. Can you defrost a smoothie for me?”

Putting everything in the bathroom, he headed to the kitchen. He moved one of the premade drinks in the fridge and walked back to the bedroom. Watching as Lizzy sat cautiously on the bed with the head elevated to wait for Kassie’s arrival, he wanted to wrap her in his arms and shield her from the world. Yet, he knew Lizzy would hate it. Her independence and self-reliance drew him to her from the beginning.

Since the surgery she seemed a bit more reserved when it came to him caring for her. Yet she cracked jokes at the oddest times. Determined to understand what she went through, not only physically but emotionally, he decided to spend some time reading stories of other breast cancer survivors.

“Kassie will arrive here any moment. Can I pick you up anything?” He drew the cover over her feet.

“Why don’t you go ahead and leave? I’ll rest until she gets here.” Lizzy closed her eyes and sighed.

Michael paused at the doorway. “I’m only a phone call away if you need anything.”

“Thank you, I’ll see you when you get back.”

Michael grabbed his keys in the bowl by the door. Frustration rolled in his gut, maybe a bit of jealousy and doubt too. Lizzy’s friends thought of everything and took care of her better than he did. When he tried to help emotionally, she shut him down. What if she decided to run again? The thought crushed him.

He wished he’d developed the relationship with the team like Chase had. At least then, he’d have someone to talk out his worries and bounce off his fears. Right now, Chase’s hospital kept him busy, and he didn’t want to bother the one friend he made to discuss things like feelings and frustration. Michael opened his car door and sighed. He resigned himself as always staying the outsider. Maybe he resembled the same to Lizzy.

* * *

Lizzy waiteduntil she heard the car back out of the driveway. Slowly making her way to the master bathroom, she washed her hands at the sink before sitting at the vanity. Finally finding a moment alone, she wanted to see herself for the first time. She began picking at the wrappings. One by one the layers fell to the floor. When the final piece of gauze dropped from her hands, she slowly lifted her head to stare at her new body.

Her hand trembled as she traced above the angry red, puckered scar across her chest and under her armpit. The tears rolled down her cheeks as she stared at her image that resembled a rag doll stitched together from a horror movie. It felt as if she stared back at another woman. This couldn’t be her.

Her thoughts drifted to the Chanel suits, the fancy lingerie, and the evening gowns she wore for fundraisers. All of which accentuated her chest and waistline. None of those fit her properly now. Part of Elizabeth Jacobson was cut out of her, stitched, and glued back together. Her hand shook to grab the towel to cover the ugly scars as she wept for what she lost.

“There you are,” Kassie whispered and knelt beside her friend. She plucked a tissue from the top of the vanity and dabbed at Lizzy’s eyes. She sat silently holding her friend’s hand as Lizzy’s sobs echoed through the room.

Kassie said nothing, allowing her to grieve her loss. The cries became ugly and jagged, exactly how she felt inside. She thought she prepared herself when the doctor explained the incisions. She fooled herself into believing she didn’t care what it looked like as long as she survived.

Always a fighter, Lizzy never lost sight of the prize. Gaining a second chance with Michael now seemed a far-off dream. Oh, he’d tell her all the words she longed to hear. She knew she’d never believe him when he insisted she remained beautiful after seeing the puffy, ugly lines stitched across her breast area. She closed her eyes and let the pain wash over her body. Kassie supported her on the chair while she wailed. Life felt like one cruel bitch. First, she took Michael, then their beloved son, Conner. Now, she took parts of Lizzy, daring her to complain. Her life hung in a cruel balancing act. If she dared to live her dreams, life snatched them back until the only thing left resembled jagged pieces stitched together to cover her broken heart.

“Lizzy, I don’t want you to catch a chill. Do you want to forego the shower and I’ll help you dress?” Kassie asked as she placed a robe over Lizzy’s shoulders.

“No. I want a shower unless you’ve changed your mind about helping me.” Lizzy refused to meet Kassie’s eyes. Even to her own ears, her voice sounded hollow.

“The doctor wanted you to keep the bandages on until she saw you at your post-op appointment. I’ll cover the areas with gauze and wrap it. Once you’re out, we’ll redo the dressings. Sometimes a nice hot shower can perform wonders,” Kassie softly told her as she went about the room prepping it. The water began to warm, filling the bathroom with steam. Kassie sat the shower chair under the running water to warm the seat. “This isn’t forever, Lizzy. You’re still healing. I can’t imagine the feelings going through you right now and if you need to talk, I’m here. Claire can visit you if you prefer someone outside our group.”

Lizzy shook her head. “I knew what to expect, but I didn’t, ya know?”

“Sometimes it’s our bodies’ way of protecting us from trauma. Everything you’re feeling is scary, but also normal. Remember you have friends and Michael to lean on when it feels too much to handle. Even strong women require helping hands.” Kassie removed the robe and wrapped Lizzy’s torso in gauze and a layer of film to keep the area dry. She placed the drain lanyard over Lizzy’s neck and adjusted the drains.

Lizzy stood and made her way to the shower.

“Sit with your back toward the spray.” Kassie directed her into the chair and stepped out of the shower long enough to lift her scrubs over her head and down her legs.

“What are you doing?” Lizzy asked as she watched Kassie throw her hair up into a messy bun.

“I’m wearing a swimsuit. I’m helping you with your shower and getting you settled. Then you can enjoy the soak while I change.” Kassie hopped into the shower and pulled one of the spray handles down to run hot water down Lizzy’s legs while the other jet hit her back. Kassie handed her a towel to cover her chest.

“I’m not as good as Samantha when it comes to a hair wash, but Chase doesn’t complain when I massage his head,” Kassie wet Lizzy’s hair down and massaged her scalp with shampoo.

Lizzy let out a moan as her friend’s fingers rubbed her noggin in tiny circles.

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