Page 76 of Tide Over

“I left them in pain,” he continues, his voice tightening. “I ran away from everything that hurt me, but I’m hurting them even more by staying away.”

I stay silent to give him the space he needs, knowing that this is big. And I think he’s on the edge of something he’s never fully shared before.

“But if they know…” His voice cracks, and his brow furrows like he’s struggling to continue. “I’ll hurt them even more.”

I squeeze his hand again. “If they know what?” I ask softly. “That you're here?”

Liam shakes his head. His breath catches, and his face crumples as he leans forward, letting go of my hand so he can bury his face in his. “That Nick…” He chokes on his name. “That I made him go…” His words dissolve into a pained cry,his shoulders shaking. “That I was supposed to die,” he says, the words breaking out between sobs. “It should have been me. They don’t know what I did… I…”

His breath hitches on his words, and he can’t get the rest out. His sobs are so raw and deep that I feel my own tears rise as I wrap my arms around him, pulling him against me. He cries into my shoulder, like months of pent-up grief and anguish is pouring out all at once.

“It’s ok,” I whisper, holding him tight.

I lean back against the pillows, taking him with me and holding him against my chest. The room darkens around us as he lets it all out, and eventually the only light left is the soft glow from the windows. Just enough to make out his face as his tears slow.

He wipes his eyes as he takes in a deep, shaky breath.

“It was you,” he says softly, his voice hoarse.

I tilt my head towards him, feeling his hair against my cheek. “What was me?”

He swallows, shifting to lie on his back as he releases another shaky breath and I trace his outline in the darkness with my eyes.

“I felt like… It was too much,” he says slowly, and anticipation builds as I wait, worried that I know what he’s getting at. “I just… wanted it all to end,” he says softly, and my stomach drops at those words, and the ones he said earlier.

I was supposed to die. It should have been me.

My pulse thunders in my ears, and he turns to look at me.

“But then I thought of you.” He sniffs, and pauses for a moment. “And I didn’t want it to end.”

I hold his gaze and take his hand in mine again, gripping it tight. The image of him in that freezing shower, and the blank, hollow look on his face… he was checking out, and trying not tohurt himself. I don’t even want to think about what he would’ve done if I hadn’t come home when I did.

There’s something about Nick’s death that is haunting him, twisting something inside him and making him feel like he was supposed to be the one to die. He’s been drowning in guilt, and now I see just how strong that is. It’s kept him away from his family, so he can punish himself… alone.

But he’s not alone.

I look at him in the darkness and lift my hand to his face, feeling the warmth of his skin mixed with the wetness of his tears. “I wish I could take all this pain away for you.”

But I know there’s nothing I can do. The only thing that truly eases the weight of grief is time, and holding onto good memories. Those moments that made everything feel brighter when they were still here, that can now add lightness to our dark days.

“Tell me a good memory with Nick,” I say, looking into his eyes and wishing I could see them.

He’s quiet for a moment, until Miss Bobber jumps onto the bed. She delicately walks over us, and settles on Liam’s chest. Her soft purrs fill the room, and the soothing sound seems to reach him, providing him a sense of comfort as he lifts his hand to stroke her fur.

“Last year…” he begins slowly, his voice low and thoughtful. “Our parents came out to visit us in Calgary.” He pauses and I see his chest rise as he draws in a breath, like he’s gathering the strength to continue. “He had this idea that we would all go out for sushi, because he saw a place near our house that he’s been wanting to try. I don’t think he’s ever had sushi in his life, but… we went.” Liam’s fingers gently comb through Miss Bobber’s fur as he speaks, and I can hear some of the tension easing from his voice. “He definitely didn’t understand what all-you-can-eat is.”

I keep my eyes on him and let him take his time, the heaviness slowly lifting, just a little.

“He ordered for all of us, and I still have no idea what he did. But he royally fucked it up.” He huffs out a breath through his nose. “It all started ok. We each had a salad and a bowl of edamame beans for the table. But with each plate of sushi that arrived, which was insane, also came another bowl of edamame beans.”

A smile pulls at my lips as I picture a table filled with edamame beans.

“Eventually, we had ten bowls on the table, along with more sushi than anyone could ever eat. It was a fucking disaster.” He shakes his head with a breath of laughter. “But our parents thought it was hilarious and we spent hours there, laughing until we were crying and trying to eat as much as we could…”

He trails off, and I hear the joy fading in his voice.

“Nick made everything fun. No matter how ridiculous it was.”

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