Page 90 of Tide Over

And still, all I can do is nod stiffly, lost to the wave as I try desperately to stay afloat.

Heather eyes me for a moment before she turns, and heads upstairs.

My mind spins as I sit here, frozen, as panic rapidly grows and threatens to drown me.

I can’t lose him.

My chest heaves as I struggle to breathe, memories crashing over me of another hospital, another waiting room, another loss. I hear the echoes of voices from just months ago, when I sat in a hard plastic chair, anxiously waiting for good news. But instead, they looked at me with sad, empty eyes, and said they were sorry.

Nick died.

A low, pained sound escapes me, and I drop my head into my hands, pulling at my hair. I can’t go through this again. Not with Theo. Please, not with Theo…

Heather’s footsteps return, stopping in the doorway to the living room. I lift my head to look at her, standing with a bag in her hand, and a sad look on her face as she watches me with understanding and compassion in her eyes.

And I know why.

She just went into Theo’s room.

Our room.

Where my clothes mingle with his, and the bed is still rumpled from our sleep together.

She crosses the room and sits beside me, pulling me into a hug. I try to swallow the emotion, but it’s too much. A tear slips out with a broken breath.

“It’s ok,” she whispers. “He’ll be ok. It’s his arm and hand… They’re going to fix him up, and as long as there are no complications, he’ll be home tomorrow.”

I want to believe her, and I know she’s right, but the fear continues to press down on me. It comes out in pained breaths and fallen tears, no matter how hard I try to stop them.

Heather pulls back slightly, looking into my eyes. “Do you want to come with me?”

A shock jolts through me at that question, and instantly my heart starts racing. The thought of stepping into the hospital, seeing the sterile white walls, hearing the beeping of monitors, and solemn-looking doctors… I can’t go back there.

I want to. Iwantto be there when he wakes up, so I can tell him everything is going to be ok.

But I can’t know that. I thought Nick was going to be ok.

Everything inside me is telling me to go, and screaming at me not to. The memory of soul-crushing pain is overwhelming, flooding me with fear so that I can’t even speak.

And I can’t break down in front of him, when he’s been so strong for me.

Heather watches me as her eyes widen and she reaches out to take my trembling hand. “It’s ok,” she says. Then she lowers her gaze to Miss Bobber as she crawls over my lap. “You should probably stay here with this little one anyway.” She looks back at me with a sad smile. “Can I call you when I hear how the surgery went?”

I nod, my hand drifting to Miss Bobber’s fur, grounding myself in the softness of her.

“Ok,” Heather says, handing me her phone. “Put your number in. I’ll keep you updated.”

I type it in with shaky hands, and Heather watches me carefully, her brow furrowed with concern. “Grandpa is with Mom, but I can get a friend to take the kids and Chris can come over?”

I shake my head, wiping my wet eyes. “No, it’s ok.”

“You sure?” she asks softly. “I don’t want to leave you like this.”

I blow out a frustrated breath, guilt gnawing at me because Theo needs her more than I do.

And I fucking hate myself that I can’t pull it together enough to be strong for him.

My hand runs roughly over my face, and I exhale forcefully again.

---