Page 16 of Tide Over

I turn around, put my head down, and walk straight home. I don’t look up at anything, or anyone, and just focus on the road under my feet.

This wasn’t supposed to happen.

I already feel enough uncertainty and fear on my own. And now the thought of things not going well out on the boat for Theo and his crew, seeing Mitch feeling frustrated and tired and knowing Theo is too…

I can’t get close to anyone, and I can’t get comfortable. I can’t lose it all again.

Yet here I am, going to a family dinner tomorrow…

Once I’m back at the house, I head straight for my room and grab my phone out of my zipped bag.

My heart pounds against my chest as I turn it on and wait as the screen lights up.

I look at the notification for the unread text from my mom, and try my best to ignore the voice in my head screaming at me not to do it.

But with a shaking hand, I tap it, and her words appear on my screen.

Mom

Checking in again and hoping to hear from you soon. I know you need some time, but I just want to let you know that Dad and I are thinking of you, like always. I love you, mo mhac.

My vision blurs as tears form in my eyes.

Mo mhac.

Gaelic formy son.

My mom has called me that for as long as I can remember. But I’m not sure she would want to call me that anymore if she knew the truth about what I’ve done, and that I’m the reason why we’re all hurting.

But this is the reminder I need.Thisis why I can’t get close to anyone.

With a sniff, I blink back the tears and turn my phone off again. I slide it back into my bag and zip it shut, then I take a breath and shove it all back down where it belongs.Because I can’t deal with it yet, as I continue to just hide away like a fucking coward.

Heading into the kitchen, I immediately pick up the tools I was using earlier and set to work removing the last of the studs from the wall. I keep my mind empty, and my focus on the task before me, not stopping until the wall between the kitchen and the living room is completely removed. And as I set the hammer down and look outside, I’m surprised to see the sun setting.

My eyes scan the sky as I step out onto the front patio, then drop to the yard before me. Two Adirondack chairs sit on the lawn facing the water, with a firepit before them. As I head down the stairs and get closer, I see ashes in the firepit, and wood piled up next to it.

I lower myself onto a chair and sit back as I gaze up at the sky, watching it slowly change colour with the setting sun. And when the sky is ablaze with red and orange hues that resemble flames, I lean forward and arrange some wood in the firepit. There’s a bucket with some kindling and matches, so I start a fire and sit back, watching as the flames grow and mirror the sky before me. And I can’t shake the thought that Theo may appreciate a quiet fire to relax, now that I know about the day he had.

As I watch the flames envelop the logs, heating them until they crumble, I lean forward and feel the heat against my face. The wood slowly turns to ash, disappearing before my eyes as the flames grow bigger, destroying everything in its path. And an urge rises as I wish these flames would destroy more than just the logs before me. I wish they would rip through me as well, and destroy everything broken inside me. I don’t even realize what I’m doing, before I pull my hand back with a hiss.

“Fuck,” I mutter, shaking my hand out with a wince. I look down, the light from the fire illuminating my red fingertips from where I touched a burning log.

But I can’t ignore how good the pain feels.

“Hey.”

My head snaps up as Theo approaches the firepit and stands next to the empty chair beside me.

“Hey,” I say, resting my hand on my thigh and hoping he didn’t see whatever that was.

But he clearly did, as he gestures with his chin to my hand. “You alright?”

“Yeah.” I wave that hand in dismissal. “Just… log slipped.”

He nods, shifting his gaze out over the water, which is now almost completely dark. “Mind if I sit?”

I shake my head, and he grabs another log to toss onto the fire before he takes a seat. I glance at him, taking in the now familiar tired expression on his face as he gazes into the flame.

---