Page 100 of Tide Over

My heart fucking breaks for him.

He’s said that before, and I didn’t know what he meant.

He was supposed to be on that job…

“Liam,” I say softly, hearing him sniffle on the other end.

“I shouldn’t have told him to go. It was my job, and I should have been there. I should have checked the levels the night before, I should have—” His voice catches, and I hate that he’s been blaming himself for this.

“But you wouldn’t have been the one replacing the cylinders anyway,” I say gently.

“Doesn’t matter,” he murmurs. “I still should have done the job myself. I shouldn’t have convinced him to domy job.”

“Liam,” I say adding strength to my voice, “none of this is your fault. You didn’t know the equipment would fail. How could you?”

There’s a long silence, his sniffles the only sound coming through the speaker.

I think of everything he’s told me since we’ve known each other, and all the pain he’s been carrying, and suddenly, everything comes into focus. The distance from his family, the guilt, the running… the self-harm… it all stems from this moment.

“Your family doesn’t know this, do they?” I ask gently.

“No,” he says, his voice so quiet I almost don’t hear him.

“Do you think they will blame you?”

I hear him pull in a breath. “Yes,” he whispers, and the pain in his voice crushes me.

I close my eyes as my chest aches. “Do you think if it had been the other way around, they would blame Nick?”

He doesn’t answer, but I let the question sit with him.

“I’m so sorry you lost your best friend like that,” I say gently. “But there’s no way you could have predicted that would happen. And if it had been you… you know Nick would be thinking the same thing. How would you want him to feel?”

I hear him take a deep breath.

“Some things are just out of our control, no matter how shitty they are,” I add, glancing down at my arm resting on the pillow, the dull ache growing stronger.

“Yeah,” he says, his voice raw and fragile.

“I’ll go with you to see your family,” I say. “Whenever you’re ready.”

There’s a quiet beat. “Thank you,” he says.

While there’s a deep sadness in his voice, and I know that was hard for him to say… I swear I can also hear a hint of relief in there too.

I know how hard it is to keep something inside for so long.

And today, we both finally let that out.

“Are you ok?” I ask.

He sighs deeply. “I will be.”

“Yeah… you will,” I say softly.

Silence falls over us for a moment, but I don’t let it last for long.

“Now,” I say, “tell me all the latest ping-pong gossip.”

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