Page 56 of Her Overprotective Fiance

How long must I take counsel in my soul and have sorrow in my heart all the day?

I've been writing Psalm 13 for some time now.

Most times, it works to keep me sane.

But there are just days when everything simply fails, and I feel like throwing up because I can no longer stand what I'm doing.

I don't even know when this all started.

Did I not once promise God I wouldn't dream for more?

Is that why I'm being punished now?

Forgive me, God.

Have mercy.

Please.

I'm nothing but a fraud, and yet I can't seem to stop pretending.

I still smile at Giancarlo even as his smile tears me apart.

I still fly into his arms in secret even as his kisses make me cry inside.

I love him always, but there are times when the devil wins, and I just want to hate him.

When I hear people praise Giancarlo, I want to laugh at their faces and tell them they've all been deceived.

When Giancarlo acts like he's bothered by the difference in our age, I want to shout'liar'to his face.

I know it's wrong, but I'm just hurting so much that I've started wanting to hurt him back.

How long, O Lord?

I want to stop pretending, but how?

Hope refuses to die but despair also begins to take root in my heart.

I know the Lord is my ever-present help, but I also know He will only grant what's good for us...and that's what scares me.

Giancarlo is good to me and for me.

But how can I say I'm good for him, too...when he regrets choosing me?

I'M SO TIRED OF PRETENDING, God.

I'm so, so tired.

Just so, so tired.

I'm not sure when, how, or why my feelings changed.

Maybe it's seeing his brothers marry one by one for love...and knowing that Giancarlo can't ever have the same happy ending because he's stuck with me.

Or maybe this is inevitable, and when you've been pretending for so long—-

You no longer know what's real.

---