Page 61 of Fighting for Ella

Truth was, even though Miguel was convinced it was for the best he just couldn’t seem to maintain any distance between them.

He wanted to be around her.

Simple as that.

When he was with Ella, he felt this peace take up residence inside his soul. It calmed him in a way nothing else ever had.

Being that he was nine when he almost died, and he and Luis went into foster care he had limited memories of his life before. Enough to remember how bad it had been. The drugs, the hunger, the men parading in and out of their house at all hours of the day and night. He remembered the beatings his brother had gotten trying to protect him and even the couple he’d received himself.

But there was a distance there. For half of his childhood, he’d lived a good life. A happy life. More importantly, a safe life. Things had been good with their foster family and he’d known what it was like to be loved, supported, and receive appropriate discipline handed out in a caring manner.

Never had he known peace like this though.

In fact, he hadn't even known that peace like this existed. Was this what it was like for Luis when he realized he was falling for Cassie? Had he felt this deep belief that as long as he was with her everything was going to be okay?

The relief he felt sharing the secret of his teenage addiction with the big brother he idolized had been unexpected. There had been no disgust or disappointment in Luis’ eyes and now he wished that he’d told his brother a long time ago.

When he was with Ella, he felt like he would always be able to keep those addictive traits under control. How could he not when he had the best motivation in the world to seek help immediately if he felt like he was going to slip up?

It was in the moments when they weren't together that the doubts slid in.

What ifs.

A million of them.

Running rampant through his mind because he wasn't with Ella, and he couldn’t ensure she was safe.

Miguel was well aware he was allowing Ella to become an addiction. Far too quickly. They’d met only just over a month ago, and in that time, they’d exchanged only a handful of words until four days ago when his team had been tasked with going to Mexico and retrieving a suspected traitor.

It shouldn’t be possible to be falling this fast.

And yet it was.

Because he was falling.

Faster than the speed of light.

What happened when he hit the ground?

Could he get everything he had wanted since he was a small boy looking at the other children at school, knowing they went home to a normal life, to normal parents, that they got to be happy? He’d wanted that happiness, too. Craved it. Wanted to one day be just like them, just like their parents, just like the people he saw on the streets going about their lives.

Of all the women he’d been with not a single one of them had stirred up feelings.

None of them had made him question his future and the vow he’d made to himself.

Only Ella.

She made him want to throw caution to the wind and jump in with both feet. She gave him confidence he’d never felt before that he had what it took to keep his addictions under control, or at the very least recognize if he couldn’t and do something about it.

Yet, as he looked at the house she’d entered almost an hour ago an icy dread filled him as he forced himself to remember that there were no guarantees in life.

If he let himself fall all the way for her, he really could destroy her.

Was it worth the risk?

That was what it really boiled down to. Was having Ella worth risking the possibility that one day he might hurt her?

There was no easy answer to that question. None he could come up with now at least. The only way to know for sure was to take that plunge, and as badly as he wanted to jump all in he couldn’t. The fear was too strong, the doubts too controlling. Maybe in time he’d be able to think with a clearer head.

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