Page 54 of Fighting for Ella

“Not ever,” Miguel amended. Just like Luis had reasons for keeping his distance from anyone who might get close enough to hurt him by becoming a responsibility, he had his own reasons for doing the same.

They were just reasons Luis was unaware of.

Luis had enlisted right after graduating high school, he hadn't been around when Miguel fought his battle with addiction. Shame had him keeping that secret from the person he admired most in the world. Luis had sacrificed so much for him, and he didn't want to see the disappointment in his brother’s eyes.

“I seem to remember about a week ago someone showing up at my place and telling me that I deserved to be happy and that I should give things with Cassie a chance,” Luis said.

Shrugging, Miguel grabbed a soda and dropped into one of the chairs at his kitchen table. Sure, he’d gone to his brother’s place to make sure Luis wasn't going to waste the once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to find your other half, but Luis and Cassie’s situation was nothing like his and Ella’s.

“Not the same thing, bro.”

“Don’t see what's different about it,” Luis insisted as he took the chair opposite. “You like Ella, I know you do, and I'm guessing she likes you, too. It certainly seemed like she did when we saw you two together yesterday.”

“I'm being her friend.”

“Doesn’t change what I just said. You like her, Miguel. I know you, I can tell. I get why you might not want to make a move now given what she’s just been through, but when things settle down, you should ask her out.”

“Not going to happen.”

“Why not?”

Because Ella was too special to risk.

Because even though his addictions were under control now, it didn't mean they always would be.

Because the world was an unpredictable place, and he couldn’t guarantee that he wouldn't wind up hurting Ella.

“Something else is going on,” Luis said, eyeing him carefully. “You're keeping something from me. What is it, Miguel?”

Just because they’d gotten a foster family when they were nine and eleven, well over two decades ago, didn't mean that Luis had ever stopped completely acting like a second dad. Even though his brother sometimes kept him at arm’s length didn't mean he didn't treasure the relationship they shared. They’d lived through hell together and had been all each other had, that kind of bond would never disappear.

The last thing he wanted was to taint that bond. For Luis to know how badly he’d messed up, and how much he feared messing up again.

“I'm your big brother, there isn’t anything you can't tell me.”

“Yeah, there is,” Miguel whispered tiredly. Carrying this secret around had weighed on him. As much as he’d had all the support he needed from his foster parents and siblings, he’dwanted his brother’s support, too. Just not enough to risk Luis being disappointed in him.

“What's going on?” Luis demanded, a thread of worry in his voice.

“I don’t keep things casual with women for the fun of it,” he admitted, it was time to clear the air. Whatever happened, happened. But he didn't want secrets between him and his brother any longer. “Well, it is fun, and I enjoy women, but there’s a reason I haven’t had a serious relationship and never intend to. I'm an addict, Luis.”

His brother’s brow furrowed. “I don’t understand. What do you mean?”

“When you went off to the military I messed up. Big time. I thought it was no big deal, that I could be cool, smoke a little weed, and fit in with the guys. Only it turned out to be a big deal. A huge deal. Weed quickly spiraled into harder drugs, and before I knew it, I couldn’t go a day without getting high.”

“But you joined the military, too. You're a SEAL. No way you can hide that kind of addiction.”

“Couldn’t hide it from Mom and Dad either. They realized pretty quickly what was going on. Insisted I go to rehab. Got me counseling and gave me everything I needed to get clean. I haven’t touched anything since I was seventeen. Don’t even drink because I don’t trust myself not to fall down a rabbit hole. You getting it, big brother? I can't be in a relationship whether I want to be or not. I can't risk turning out like Mom. Can't risk something happening to cause me to lose my control. Can't risk hurting someone innocent like Mom hurt us.”

Instead of the disappointment he expected to see in his brother’s eyes, the judgment, there was only compassion and love.

Enough of it to have him getting choked up.

“Miguel, you aren't Mom. I don’t know who she was before the drugs got her, what she was like, who was in her corner. But I do know you. I know you're strong enough to have kicked an addiction that she never could. I know you're strong enough to keep it under control for almost fifteen years. I know you're strong enough to care about others and put their needs above yours. I know that you would never hurt anyone and that if you stumbled, you would do whatever was necessary to right yourself so you didn't cause your own life or anyone else’s to crumble around you.”

His brother might believe those things, they might even be true, the problem was, Miguel didn't and had no idea how to even go about beginning to believe they might possibly be true.

CHAPTER FIFTEEN

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