Page 41 of Phoenix Rising

Artie rolled his eyes. "I still work at that shitty bar. My boyfriend decided we need a puppy when we definitely don't have the money for a puppy right now. And a car splashed old, muddy puddle water on my shoes on my way here. Now you're all caught up. What's wrong?"

"What kind of puppy?"

"Lucinda," Artie said sternly.

"Oh, fine!" Lucinda threw her hands up. "I spent the night at Becky's last night, and Ineverspend the night at other people's houses. Anyway, we were having such a lovely morning, then her dad walked in. He saw me wearing his daughter'sclothes and maybe even saw my underwear discarded on the floor!"

"Is that all?" Artie said, unimpressed.

"What do you mean?"

Artie served himself a portion of noodles. "I mean, it was a little embarrassing, but it's not catastrophic."

Lucinda stared at her plate, the edges of her anxiety still fraying at her composure. "It feels catastrophic to me. I had this entire vision of what my life could be like with Becky, and then her father barged in and everything just came crashing down."

Artie raised an eyebrow, clearly not convinced. "So what if her dad walked in? It’s not like you were doing anything illegal. You had a good time, and now you're freaking out because of a little awkwardness."

"It’s not just about that,” Lucinda said, her voice tightening. “It’s about the expectations, the labels! He called me her girlfriend, and I just..."

Artie took a thoughtful bite of his noodles before responding. "Okay, I get it. You’re scared. But maybe you need to confront that fear head-on instead of letting it dictate your actions."

Lucinda sighed. “It’s not that simple. I’vealways been cautious about letting people in because every time I’ve tried, it ends in disaster. I don’t want to set myself up for another failure.”

Artie looked at her with a mixture of sympathy and exasperation. “You know, it sounds like you’re sabotaging yourself before giving it a chance. Becky seems like she genuinely cares about you, right? Maybe you should allow yourself to be happy instead of running away from it.”

Lucinda felt a pang of truth in his words but struggled to embrace it. “What if I’m just not meant for relationships? I’ve always been better off alone, focused on my work. It’s safe, predictable.”

Artie put down his fork, focusing intently on her. “Maybe it’s not about being ‘meant for’ relationships or not. Maybe it’s about taking a risk and seeing where it goes. No one’s saying it has to be perfect. It just has to be real.”

Artie's words bounced around in her head.

"I was engaged before. Did I ever mention that?"

He shook his head, putting his fork down.

"I was in my early thirties. She was everything to me, but so was my job. I was home less and less. I wanted—needed—to be perfect at everything. I wanted to soar through the ranks until I couldmake some actual change. I tried to reestablish everything my hospital had been built on to help those in need. She didn't understand why. She thought I was doing it to avoid her." Lucinda's eyes stung. "One night, she was tired of it. Screamed and screamed until her voice was gone. She shoved me into a wall, called me a cold-hearted bitch, and walked out the door."

Artie was silent.

"She said I wasn't worth the trouble. That I wasn't capable of loving someone."

"That's not true, Lucinda."

"Well, everyone who came after her agreed. They all left. They all said I wasn't worth it. I don't think I would survive if that happened to me again."

Artie leaned back, a look of understanding on his face. “Look, I can’t promise that it’ll be easy or you won’t get hurt. But I can tell you that the pain of avoiding it can be just as bad, if not worse. Sometimes, you have to take a leap of faith.”

They continued eating silently, the weight of their conversation hanging between them. Her thoughts drifted back to the morning with Becky. The connection they had shared felt real and genuine, and that made her fear of it more palpable.She tried to imagine Becky saying harsh words to her, but she couldn't. It was different. Everything was different.

After dinner, Lucinda and Artie chatted about lighter topics and watched a movie. They drank a bottle of wine and laughed at the poorly produced film. Artie talked about her meeting his boyfriend so she could talk him out of the puppy. By the end of the evening, she felt a bit more grounded. She hadn't had such a fun friendship in years. Artie was easy to talk to, easy to care about.

Before Artie left, he gave her a bear-crushing hug. “Think about what we talked about, okay? Don’t let fear win.”

“Thanks,” Lucinda said softly, watching him walk down the hallway. She shut the door behind him, the sound echoing through the quiet space.

Her apartment, usually a refuge, now felt like a fortress of solitude. The familiar surroundings did little to ease her mind. Lucinda moved to the window and looked out at the city lights, the vibrant pulse of Phoenix Ridge reflecting her conflicted emotions. Her chest ached as she looked out toward the suburb where Becky lived. All she wanted to do was be snuggled in Becky's bed, wrapped in her arms.

She considered Artie’s words and the reality of her situation. Confronting her fears felt daunting, but she knew she needed to do something. Her feelings for Becky were real; at least, she thought they were. She was so unsure of what she was feeling that her anxiety threatened to drown her. She rubbed her chest, urging the ache of loneliness away.

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