Page 90 of Be Less Panda

‘How much do they know about Paris?’

‘What we did last month?’

‘No, I meant in 1964.’

‘Very little. I imagine they’re not that interested, and I’ve no intention of telling them. Not that I’m ashamed, but some things are best left in the past.’

‘You were always good at keeping secrets,’ he said, kissing her forehead.

‘Too good,’ Nancy said quietly.

Klaus turned on his side and looked directly at her. ‘You and I have no secrets now, do we?’

Apart from the enormous one that you’ve been trying to tell him for the past month. You’ll have to explain now.She took a deep breath. ‘There is one.’

He was looking at her intently now.

‘When you asked about Patty’s round-the-world sailing trip, and I said that I had changed my mind about going, that was true, but I didn’t say why I decided not to go.’ She sniffed.Don’t cry now!

Klaus put his hand on her cheek and kissed her. ‘It can’t be as bad as my secret was.’

‘Oh, but it is.’ She sobbed onto his shoulder. ‘I’ve been trying to tell you ever since we got back together, but it never seems to be the right time.’

‘Sometimes there is no right time. Are you worried I’m going to be angry?’

‘I don’t think you will be. Not with me, I hope. But it might upset you.’

‘If it does, it does. You can’t keep it from me now. I promise I’ll listen.’

‘Ok, then.’ She took a deep breath and closed her eyes. ’When you disappeared, I was pregnant with our child.’

She half expected him to push her way, but he held her tighter, not saying anything for a while. And then she realised he was crying too.

‘When did you know?’ he whispered.

‘Not until two or three weeks after you’d disappeared. I’d been feeling rough, but I put it down to stress and not eating properly. It was Olivia who suggested I go to the doctor.’

‘And the baby,’ he said. ‘What happened to our baby?’

‘I wrote to my parents to say I wasn’t coming home, I was staying in Paris. I didn’t mention being pregnant, of course. But I wanted the baby to be born in England, so I secretly went back to London. Olivia helped with that. I gave birth there. I called her Anna. She was beautiful. She looked a lot like you.’ Nancy sighed. ‘Then I had to give her away. I remember the woman from the adoption society coming to take her. I cried for days. I’ve never seen her since, but I’ve thought about her every single day.’

Klaus looked stunned. ‘Who knows?’

‘Olivia. And Xander - I thought I ought to tell him in case she ever came looking for me. He was extremely kind about it. No one else knew. I left the bookshop before it became obvious. I let everyone think I’d cancelled the sailing trip and decided to travel the world on my own instead.’

‘I’m sorry you had to go through that alone. I would’ve found a way to look after you - both of you - if I’d known.’

Nancy rolled over and grabbed a tissue from the box by the bed. ‘I know you would. But what’s done is done.’ She dabbed her eyes.

‘Have you tried looking for her?’

Nancy shook her head. ‘What would she want with me? I didn’t give her the best start in life, did I?’

Klaus looked thoughtful. ‘But that wasn’t your fault. I’m sure she’d understand.’

‘It will be an interesting story to tell her if she turns up now. But she’s not going to, is she? She’d have found me years ago if she wanted to.’ Nancy felt tearful again.

Klaus kissed her. ‘We’ve got each other.’

‘Don’t go disappearing on me again. Once was more than enough,’ Nancy said.

‘I’ll try not to,’ he said. ‘Ich liebe dich, Nancy.’

‘Ich liebe dich auch, Klaus.’

And this time, he didn’t flinch.

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