Page 55 of Be Less Panda

They moved on to a hymn, which the priest’s assistant played on a small upright piano in the corner. Nancy thought she vaguely recognised the music, but either the piano was out of tune, or the church needed to invest in more piano lessons for the assistant. Olivia joined in with the singing, somehow matching the notes of the appalling piano. Nancywinced at the unholy noise. Ingrid and Dieter didn’t appear to be concerned, though. Thankfully, after one verse and one chorus, the ordeal was over.

The priest moved nearer to Ingrid and Dieter, holding an open bible. Hans stood up, pulled two rings out of his jacket pocket, put them on the bible and sat down beside Nancy again.

The priest started speaking with Ingrid and Dieter taking turns repeating what he said. It was just like Church of England marriage but in German. The priest raised his hand to bless them, and they started snogging one another’s faces off. The priest had to cough to grab their attention again. He indicated the book on the table.

After they’d signed the register, the priest made a short announcement.

‘What did he say?’ Nancy whispered to Hans.

‘The ceremony is over. They are now husband and wife.’

‘Doesn’t someone have to witness their signatures?’

‘I don’t think they’ve thought of that,’ Hans said.

Olivia, ever the organiser, had bought a bag of rice. She got up and distributed a handful each to the rest of the guests. ‘We’ll throw this outside,’ she said. She turned to Ingrid and Dieter. ‘You two stay here while we line up on the steps.’ Ingrid grinned at her new husband, who seemed more than willing to comply.

‘Right, everyone. Remember to throw the rice up and not at the bride and groom.’ Olivia said. The newlyweds walked down the steps together through a perfect shower of rice.

Christa pulled a small camera from her handbag. ‘Photo time!’ she said.

Nancy noticed Hans and Dieter exchange a glance. ‘That’s not a problem, is it? Surely, we’ve got time for one photo?’

‘We don’t want to block the pavement,’ Dieter said.

‘We’ll do it on the steps then.’ Christa wasn’t taking no for an answer.

‘You need to be in it, Christa,’ Ingrid said. ‘Who’s going to take it?’

Pierre volunteered.

‘But you need to stand with Olivia. I’m sure we can find someone else. Monsieur, excusez moi,’ Ingrid shouted, waving to a man who was walking by on the opposite pavement. The man crossed the road and, after a brief conversation with Christa, took the camera.

‘It’s all automatic,’ Christa said. ‘Just look through the viewfinder and press this button here.’

He nodded. She ran back up the steps to take her place.

The passerby took two shots in quick succession and handed the camera back to Christa.

‘I wish you a long and happy life together,’ he said to Ingrid and Dieter as he walked off.

‘Shall we go now, darling?’ Dieter said to Ingrid in German. At least, that’s what it sounded like to Nancy.

‘Thank you all for coming,’ Ingrid said before Dieter led her away.

‘No wedding reception?’ Nancy asked Hans.

‘Dieter’s booked a fancy hotel room for the two of them tonight. I expect they want to make the most of it.’

Christa said she’d got some shopping to do. ‘I’m going to decorate our flat ready for when the lovebirds come home tomorrow. And buy some earplugs. Something tells me I’m not going to get much peace for a few weeks with those two in the bedroom next door,’ she laughed.

‘We have to go, too,’ Pierre said, putting his arm around Olivia. ‘It’s opening night at my brother’s new restaurant.’

‘Enjoy!’ Nancy said. She turned back to Hans.

‘Just you and me then.’

He looked concerned. ‘Is that a problem?’

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