Page 26 of Everything I Desire

“I don’t know. I need to talk to Stacey. I’m hoping I run into her before she can get to Kayla. I don’t know if she’ll show her face at the school, but maybe you can drive Kayla home instead of her walking home after school. I don’t want her alone to give Maura the chance.”

I can do that. I place my hand on his knees. “That’s a good plan. Are you going to tell Kayla? I really think you should tell her,” I say.

“You do?” He sounds shocked that I think that.

“Yeah, I do. She finally trusts you, if you keep this from her she will lose all that trust you built up. I know you want to protect her but she’s a strong girl, and she needs you to be honest with her about her mother.”

He hangs his head for a moment before looking up at me again. “This is so fucking hard. I almost wish she would have stayed gone. It's so much easier to protect Kayla when she's not close by.”

“I know it was always a double edged sword wanting her to be found. But you’re doing an amazing job with Kayla. She’s older now, the judge has to take that into consideration this time around. Plus, you’ve really proven yourself as her guardian. All the teachers notice a difference in her socially, and academically, she's back to her bubbly self. We will back you up.” I shouldn’t, but I pull him toward me for a hug. He buries his face in my neck just like old times and my heart cracks.

I don’t know how long we sit there like this, but he finally breaks the silence and pulls back from me. Our faces are so close, our lips are so close. I move in closer to him, never breaking eye contact, but he doesn’t either.

“I can’t, baby,” he whispers.

“Why not?” I ask, hoping that for once it won’t be that bullshit answer he keeps giving me.

“You know why. I’m not-”

“I swear to God, if you finish that sentence,” I threaten.

“It’s true, baby. And the sooner you realize it, the better.” He tries to look away from me, but I don’t let him.

“Are you staying, Porter?”

“I am, I talked to Ed this week and gave Ronnie my final answer after that. I’m staying in Lupine Valley, I can’t leave Kayla.” I cup his cheek with my hand.

“Are you still going to be there for Kayla?”

“Of course! I can’t leave her now,” he responds defensively.

“Do you love me still?”

He looks me dead in the eye. “You know I do.”

“Then you can, Porter. Because I love you too and that’s all that matters to me. I’ve gone ten years without you.” I move closer, putting my forehead on his.

“I can’t. I don’t deserve you. But fuck do I want to.” He pulls away and walks to the door and I follow after him.

“I’ll always love you, baby. Even if I don’t deserve you, I will always love you.” He opens the door and steps out, but I stand in his way of shutting it.

“Porter!” I yell after him, hoping he’ll turn around. But he doesn’t. He quietly lumbers across the yard, his shoulders hunched.

“You’ve always deserved me. You let me know when you know it too,” I yell after his disappearing form.

This infuriating man! When will he see what I see in himself? His life has taken its tollon him, and it makes me so sad for him. But one day, one day he will see what I do, and I'll be here waiting for him.

Chapter Ten

Porter

I got to the shop early this morning. Ronnie is coming back today, and I want to make sure everything is done and organized. I want him to see that I’m capable of carrying on his hard work.

Plus, I haven’t slept since I left Addy’s house last night. The look on her face when I walked out her door and she tried to get me to stay was nearly my undoing.

She might think we have a second chance, but I know we don’t. I can’t be selfish with her anymore. I’ve been up all night trying to convince myself to stay just her friend. But it is really fucking hard, especially when she touches me like she did last night.

“Hey, boy. I’m back from Florida. You ready to make this your own?” Ronnie walks through the open bay I’m sweeping out. “Damn, look at this place. I never knew you had a problem with my housekeeping skills,” he laughs.

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