Page 15 of Everything I Desire

“I’m sorry. I saw you out here alone and just wanted to say hi. We just finished setting up the living room with all the furniture you were able to find for us. Kayla fell asleep watching some chick flick on the couch and I can’t bring myself to shut it off on her so I came out here to look atthe stars instead.” He sighs. “I still do most nights. Reminds me of happy times.”

I reach out and touch his fingers with mine, “I do know. I do the same.”

We stand there, fingers gently interlaced on my front porch, staring up at the sky.

“Adelaide, I think you should know why I didn’t show up that morning,” he says.

“Okay.” I sit on my stairs slowly, not sure if I’m ready for his explanation.

He sits down beside me, turning slightly toward me, grabbing my hand again.

“Your father came to see me after I left. He found me walking home. Told me that I wasneverto come around again. That you were destined for greater things than I could provide. He offered me money to leave you alone. As if I could ever take money in exchange for you. But I did realize he was right. I was nothing. I would never be anything. I had to leave you alone to let your light grow brighter. I was being selfish taking your light for myself. So I promised myself that night that I would never steal your light again. I would stop being a selfish son of a bitch and leave you behind to live your great life.” His head hangs low.

“Oh, Porter. No. You never stole my light, your love made my light brighter everyday. I promise you that.” I place my palm on his cheek, feeling the stubble and the way his jawline tightens under my touch.

“That’s where you’re wrong, baby. I was. I am. I’m so wrong for you and I still am. Look at me, a dirty mechanic, dragged back into the world of addicts that is my family, not even knowing where my sister is, half hoping she doesn’t come home so my niece can have a chance at a better life. I’ll do better by her, Adelaide. I swear it. She’s like you. She’s so full of life and light, unlike my sister and I.” He stands and starts to walk away. “I just wanted you to know that I loved you and it killed me to walk away. Hell, I still love you. I never want to hurt you again.” He walks down my steps and back toward his home.

“Porter, please” I cry out to him, but he is gone. He doesn’t pause or even look back.

His admission saddens me, and angers me. My own father offered the man I love money to leave me alone. How the fuck could he?

Porter making up these assumptions about him only taking from me is bullshit. I was whole with him. Without him, I have a gaping hole in my heart that he used to fill.

Sure my life is good, but with him it was great, everything I ever wanted. The future he talked about building was everything I’ve ever wanted, and still want. And he’s the only one I see in it with me.

I need to convince him of that, then whether he stays or goes, I’m with him. Here or in New York, he’s not leaving me again.

I walk back into my house, shut the door, and let the tears fall freely. Tears for the sadness that clouds Porter. Tears for the life we’ve lost out on. And tears for the future I’m taking back.

Chapter Six

Porter

I’m working on a custom Harley job for Ronnie when I hear his swearing coming from underneath the truck he’s working on.

I talked to Ed and he understands that my niece is the most important thing to me right now. Right before I left he had hired a few guys in addition to his son so he isn’t strapped with the shop by himself. I keep in touch with him weekly to keep him updated but as of now, I’m in Lupine Valley for the long haul.

I can’t let Kayla go back to living in squalor with Maura. Not after seeing the strides she’s making at school and with friends.

“God damn it! Porter, get your ass over here,” he yells.

I walk over to the next bay to see Ronnie’s legs sticking out. “What’s up man?”

“I’m stuck. Pull me out. I’m done with this shit. Fuck this shit. I want to be on a goddamn beach with my wife.” I pull him out but not before laughing at him.

“Thanks. Don’t you dare tell my ol’ lady about this. She’ll be all over me to go back to the doctor.” He says, shaking his hands.

“What do you meanback to the doctor? This has happened before?” I ask, concerned for his health. I always loved Ronnie, he looked out for me when he didn’t have to. He took on a kid from the park with a shitty family. He has visited me in New York, but he never told me he was having health concerns.

“These old hands of mine. They keep going numb. Couldn’t slide myself back out. It’s nothing,” he waves me off dismissing his health concerns. “You got a minute to talk?” He asks.

“I do. Let me just go clean up a bit, then I’m going to get going after so I can be home for Kayla.” I walk over to my bay and clean up what I was working on before going up to Ronnie’s office.

“Hey, you ready for me?” I ask knocking on his door.

“Yea. Come in.” He gestures to the chairs in front of the desk, I move some papers around to clear a spot. “Listen, boy. I’m an old man. My ol’ lady, she wants to be on the beaches of Florida permanently. I have no kids, and this town can’t handle me closing down the shop. How long you plannin’ on stickin’ around here?”

“Well, I don’t know. Maura is still missing but I’m not letting her get Kayla back. Stacey and I are already working on permanent guardianship. But I don’t know if we’ll stay here or go back to NewYork.” I don’t mention that I don’t want to go back to New York for reasons I definitely won’t share.

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