Page 65 of Crying in the Rain

“Because…” Ade shrugged. “BecauseI’mstruggling to believe me. I’ve gone back so many times, deluding myself that we could fix it if we tried hard enough—did I tell you we talked about starting a family?”

“I don’t think so.” Kris would’ve remembered if he had.

“It was when we first got together, then it came up again after…” Ade fell silent and absently reached for Casper, who wasn’t anywhere near as dozy as Kris made out and settled beside Ade, his muzzle resting on Ade’s knee, a perfect emotional support dog.

Ade had retreated deep into his thoughts and didn’t respond when Kris said, “Popping to the bathroom,” which he’d needed to do since he’d come upstairs with the tea and toast. He returned a couple of minutes later to find Ade and the dog exactly as he’d left them and got no more than a grumble from Casper when he squeezed onto the narrow strip of bed beside them.

“Are you OK there?” he asked.

Ade hummed ambiguously.

“What are you thinking about?”

“Children, and how glad I am we didn’t have any.”

“Do you still want them?”

“Yes,” Ade answered without hesitation. “I’d love to be a dad. I’m not sure I’d be very good at it.”

“I’m not sure any of us are any good at it. You just kind of muddle through.”

“Do you want more children?”

Kris could also have answered ‘yes’ without thinking or qualifying, but he was mindful of what Ade had said about him trying too hard. “If the circumstances were right, yes, but it wouldn’t be the end of the world if it didn’t happen.”

“Same,” Ade said. “I’m cool with just being an uncle.” He turned his head to meet Kris’s gaze. “Does Krissi know about us?”

“Not yet, unless Shaunna’s told her.”

“Will she be OK with you dating?”

“Will she be OK? She’ll be unbearably overjoyed. The first thing she said when we told her we’d separated was, ‘Have you got a boyfriend yet?’”

“Was she asking you or Shaunna?”

“Oh! Well…she was looking at me, but now you say it, I don’t know.” At least he hadn’t jumped down her throat when she’d asked.

“I’m guessing she’s always known you’re bi?”

“Yeah. It’s totally ordinary to her.”

“How it should be,” Ade mused. “Ferg has three kids with his ex-wife, and he’s not a bad dad for the most part. They used to come and stay with us when they were little. Then they started asking questions, and the visits became less and less frequent and eventually stopped altogether. I asked him if it was because he was ashamed of me.” Ade laughed without humour. “He said no. He just didn’t need the hassle of explaining why Daddy’s clothes were in Uncle Adrian’s bedroom.”

“He’s in the closet,” Kris said.

Ade nodded. “Before his mum died, he’d only ever had relationships with women. He said if she’d known he was gay, it would’ve killed her. All he cared about was that she’d got to be a grandma. I think that was why he was fine with the idea of us having kids, but my sperm count’s too low, and he had a vasectomy years ago. Just as well, really.”

“What about adoption or fostering?”

“He wouldn’t even consider it. After all, he already had kids.”

“You could always do it on your own,” Kris reasoned.

Ade took a breath as if to say something but released it in a sigh and gave Kris a watery smile instead. “I don’t plan on doing anything on my own, but thank you for saying it.” He reached over the dog and took Kris’s hand, interlocking their fingers. “Do you know, you’re the only person who hasn’t lectured me?”

“Other than giving you a hard time yesterday morning…”

“You encouraged me to question my actions. You didn’t tell me what to do.”

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