Page 32 of Giving Chase

"Especially not me?" he repeats, his voice low and dangerous. He pulls away from me, standing up abruptly. "What the hell is that supposed to mean, Eliza?"

I sit up, clutching the sheet to my chest, suddenly feeling very exposed. "Chase, I didn't mean?—"

"No, let's hear it," he cuts me off, pacing the room like a caged animal. "Am I not good enough for you? After everything we've been through, everything we've shared, I'm still just the screwed-up rockstar you need to keep at arm's length?"

His words sting, but I can hear the hurt beneath the anger. "That's not fair, Chase. You know that's not what I meant."

He whirls to face me, his eyes blazing. "Then what did you mean? Because from where I'm standing, it sounds like you're saying I'm good enough to fuck, but not good enough to love."

I gasp, shocked by his crudeness. "Chase!"

"No, Eliza," he says, his voice cracking with desperation now. "I need to understand. What is it about me that makes me so unworthy of taking a chance on? Is it the drinking? Because I'm working on that. The commitment issues? I'm here, aren't I? Trying to have this conversation?"

He drops to his knees beside the bed, grabbing my hands in his. "Tell me what I need to do, Eliza. Tell me how to be the man you can trust with your heart. Because I'm drowning here, trying to figure out how to be enough for you."

The raw vulnerability in his voice makes my heart ache. I cup his face in my hands, forcing him to look at me. "Chase, listen to me. You are enough. You've always been enough. That's what scares me."

He looks confused, so I continue, "I've built my whole life around being strong, independent. But with you... God, Chase, with you, I feel like I could lose myself completely. And I'm terrified of what that would mean for me, for my career, for Justin. And then there’s the band, and my responsibility there… There’s too many other factors to consider here, and you know it."

Understanding dawns in his eyes, the anger melting away. "Eliza," he says softly, "loving someone doesn't mean losing yourself. It means finding a partner to face life with."

I feel tears sliding down my cheeks. "I want to believe that. I do. But I've been burned before, Chase. We both have."

He nods, pressing his forehead to mine. "I know. And I know I've given you plenty of reasons to doubt me in the past. But Eliza, I'm here now. Really here. And I'm not going anywhere."

For a moment, I let myself imagine it. A life with Chase, navigating the complexities of our careers and my role as a mother, but doing it together. It's a beautiful vision, but the fear still gnaws at me.

“And what about the band?” I ask, trying my best to paint the full picture for him. Trying to make him understand how complicated this truly is. “What if we get together, and it ruins everything we’ve all worked so hard for?”

He jumps up again, his emotions a whirlwind. “Then I’ll quit the fucking band. Some things are more important--”

“No,” I interrupt, sitting up and grabbing his arm to get his full attention. The fears I’ve ignored are now on plain view to him. “That’s exactly what I’m talking about. Exactly what I’m afraid of.”

“But, Eliza…”

“No, Chase. We have so many other things to consider. So many other people to consider. People depending on us to keep things afloat. We can’t risk all of that on a maybe. And that’s what we are, Chase. We’re an unknown. An unknown we can’t gamble on. Not with so much at stake.” My voice is hoarse with emotion. I know this is the right thing to do, but it’s killing me to say it so bluntly like this. And the hurt on his face is like a mirror to my own, as he nods his defeat.

God, what I would give to let myself go with him. Just ignore responsibility for a change and let myself be truly happy. Because I would be. I know I would be happy. But I also know that the two of us together would have ripple effects that we don’t even know about, and I can’t take that chance. Not now.

Maybe not ever.

He comes back to bed, his chilled skin setting mine ablaze as he runs his fingers down my spine, making me shiver against him.

“Okay. I get it,” he concedes, searching my eyes with so much hope it hurts my heart. “But don’t take it completely off the table, okay? Can you promise me that much?”

"I need time," I whisper, giving what truth I can in the moment. "I can't promise you anything right now, Chase. Can you understand that?"

He's quiet for a long moment, and I can see him wrestling with his emotions. Finally, he nods. "I don't like it," he admits. "But I understand. And Eliza? I'll wait. As long as it takes."

“Don’t say that,” I say sadly, half choking on the words as I push the hair out of his brilliant eyes. The idea of him waiting for me is almost as painful as everything else. This isn’t fair to him. And it’s not fair to me either. We’re both losers in this. I’m okay with being alone. I can live with hard decisions like this, but Chase? I don’t think he can, and it scares the shit out of me what this could do to him. “Just, please don’t.”

He studies me closely, and he must finally realize what I’m truly saying. I can’t hold back my tears that slowly fall down my cheeks. Tears that I’ve shed in private for so long, now on full display. Tears for a life together we’ll never have. For the dream that keeps me up at night, knowing it will never be real. For the hard choices I continually have to make.

I’m tired of being the strong one. The one who sacrifices everything for everyone else. It’s soul exhausting, and I’m barely hanging on by a thread. The dam breaks, and I curl up into sobs, barely catching my breath.

Chase pulls me into his strong arms, not saying a word, just holding me close as I release every emotion. He softly kisses my cheeks, my forehead, my hair, pulling me tighter to him as I fight the war within myself. Internally raging at the world for being so unfair, and shrinking in defeat from the battle between my heart and my head that I’ve lost miserably. Logical me has won again, and I hate it. I fucking loathe it.

I eventually fall asleep in his arms, but when I awake in the middle of the night with Chase asleep beside me, I find myself staring at the guitar pick on the nightstand.Through everychord and silence, I'm here, I'd promised him. But as I lie awake, I wonder if being here, like this, is enough. Or if it's slowly breaking both our hearts.

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