Page 64 of We Never Kissed

The thought of her skimming the family’s socials and the fact that Ava was feeding her information popped into my head. “Pretty good, but then you already knew that, right?” When her face fell, I picked up my tea and said, “I’m sorry.”

“Please, don’t apologize. Yes, I’ve seen pictures of you online, but seeing information and images on social media doesn’t really give a clear picture of someone’s life.”

“But you had more than that…”

She knew I was talking about Ava. “The last couple years, yes. But honestly, our contact was minimal.” She paused, then added, “I was so glad to hear that you and Ava are seeing each other, though.” She grinned as if trying to tempt me into another direction. “She’s such a kind and lovely young woman.”

“We’re not together.”

Her eyes narrowed as confusion set in. “Oh… I’m sorry.”

I shouldn’t have blurted that out, and as I sat there and watched the woman who was basically a stranger to me, Irealized I did it out of spite. “I don’t really want to talk about it. It wasn’t why I came.”

Realization seemed to dawn on her, and her eyes fell to her lap. “I am so sorry. It seems as though whether I am in your life or not, I’m ruining things for you. For what it’s worth, I practically begged her not to tell you.”

We were both quiet for a few minutes, and I was beginning to regret doing this. But how could I just get up and walk away?

“Why did you come?” she finally said.

I sighed. “I don’t really know. I guess I got tired of running, so to speak.”

Nodding, she said, “I want you to know that I never wanted to leave you. I just knew it was better if I wasn’t in your life.”

“So, you chose to leave?”

“Of course not.” Pain took over her expression. “I would’ve done anything to make it up to you”—my breathing labored as I thought about the accident and could see she was doing the same—“to be a better mother, the kind of mother you deserved, but your father…he gave me no choice. Either way I wouldn’t be with you. It was either jail or leave on my own.”

As the years went by, I thought less and less of my mother, but as I sat there listening to her, I was surprised that instead of anger, I felt sorry for her. After all, I livedmost of my life with loving people around me, including a woman who was like a mother to me. Before I could say anything, she spoke again.

“Don’t get me wrong, my actions were my own, but your father isn’t innocent in all this, and that’s all I’m going to say on that matter.”

I cocked my head, my jaw clenching at the mention of my father. “No. I don’t know why I came here, but now that I am here, I would like some answers. If I’m ever going to move on from this, I need to know everything.”

She took her gaze from me, stared out to her small yard. “I… I don’t feel right talking about a man when he’s no longer with us to defend himself.”

“If you speak the truth, then there’s nothing to defend. Please, I need to know. I need to know everything.”

She turned back to me then, her gaze connecting with mine. The pain I saw there was real and deeply rooted. “I was an addict when I met your father. I was an addict when we got married. And I was still an addict when we had you.” She shook her head. “But I swear to God, I was clean when I was pregnant with you, not even a drink. You were the only thing that mattered to me.” She drew in a deep breath. “Then I had postpartum depression, and…your father didn’t seem to want to acknowledge that. He deemed me going through withdrawal, which could have been partially true, but what did that matter?” She was on the verge of tears. “You know how controlling he was. The expectations he had for me as a mother, as a wife. The pressure got to me, and I relapsed.”

Without realizing it, I blurted, “I’m sorry.” Maybe part of me felt my existence caused her ultimate downfall.

Reaching out, she touched my hand on the table. “You were such a good little boy, Alex. I tried. I really did. And I would have weeks and months of sobriety and then…something would happen with your father, and I’d slip.”

“Something?” I feared the worst, like there was something she wasn’t saying. “Please, I have to know.”

“Look, I know I wasn’t the best wife. I was a burden to your dad.”

“What did he do?” My anger bubbled to the surface, and in front of me I saw the woman who begged me to run from that accident, who wanted to save me. “Did he hurt you?”

She shook her head. “No, nothing like that. He… He wasn’t happy with me so…he found his happiness elsewhere, with other women.”

My heart broke for her, this woman who had made mistakes but also fell victim to my father. “I had no idea. I’m sorry.”

“It’s not your fault.” She sighed and sipped her drink, as if she were trying to wash away the grief. “The day of the accident, he told me he was going to take you from me,and I guess I just snapped. I was stupid and reckless, and I’ll regret my actions for the rest of my life.”

I shook my head. “I don’t know what to say except, thank you for telling me.”

We were quiet for a short time when she said, “I understand if this was all you came for, Alex, but I want you to know not a day has gone by that I haven’t thought of you…that I haven’t prayed to God you were all right, happy. I love you, Son, whether you want to hear that or not.”

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