Page 25 of Puck Me

“You just want to save me,” he says eventually. “You don’t really want to be with me. You just think that getting closer to me will help you save me in a way you couldn’t do as my doctor.”

“No, Chester, that’s not it at all. You’ve always asked me to trust you to know your own feelings. Now, you need to trust me to know mine. I do not want to be with you to save you. I genuinely care for you. I think my life will be enriched by having you in it. I won’t deny that I want to help you, but that’s hardly all that’s driving this.”

“Do you really mean that, Storm?”

I bring Chester’s hand up to my lips and kiss it. “I really do.”

A smile slowly unfurls on Chester’s face. “Yes.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. I’d love to date you. I think about you… well.. a lot. And not in a professional way. I just… Well, you know everything. You know the very worst of me. I can’t guarantee that I’m going to be pleasant company all the time. In fact, the only thing I can guarantee is that a lot of the time, I definitely won’t be.”

“I’ll take you as you are, Chester. I’m not going to judge you for your bad days.”

“Every day is a bad day,” Chester mutters.

“Some are better than others,” I point out.

“Only marginally.”

“Right now, we need to take what we can get. Marginally is better than nothing.”

“I suppose.”

“You will get better, Chester. I know you don’t believe it right now, but I can have enough faith for the both of us.”

“I wish I could believe it.”

I lean forward to wipe the tears off Chester’s cheeks. “I know. I really do.”

I pull him into a hug, and Chester melts into me, clutching my shirt as he cries into my shoulder.

“Can I get in bed with you?” I ask softly. “Just to cuddle.”

“Yeah.”

It’s a big step, but we both need this right now. For once, sex isn’t on my mind as I get closer to Chester, sliding in under the blankets with him and pulling him to my chest. He turns so that we’re facing each other, his face pressed into my neck.

“I’m just so miserable,” he cries. “I just want it to end. Why can’t it end, Storm?”

“I know. I’m sorry,” I murmur, stroking his hair. “It will end, Chester, I promise you. I’m going to walk you through it—me and Dr. George. Noah, too. You’re not alone in this.”

“Yes, I am. In this hell that’s my own mind, I am. It doesn’t matter how many people there are around me. I’m all alone with this.”

I understand all too well what that feels like. “Then let me in,” I say softly. “Tell me everything. I’m not your doctor anymore. I’m not legally bound to get you committed if you say the wrong thing. Talk to me, Chester.”

“I want to die,” Chester admits in a whisper. “I can’t live like this. Everything I love is gone. I don’t take pleasure from anything anymore. There’s just pain and suffering and death.”

“I hear you, Chester, I really do. I know it feels unbearable right now.”

“But?”

“But nothing. Your feelings are valid. You know that I believe you will get better, but I also know you don’t feel that way, and that is fair. I’m never going to tell you that your feelings are wrong, even if I disagree with your logic.”

“I hate feeling like this.”

“I know. It’s the worst feeling in the world. Nothing else compares to it. I wouldn’t wish what you’re going through on my worst enemy. No human deserves this kind of suffering.”

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