Page 92 of Unfix Me

I had to talk to him about it before I decided anything. The way we’d been doing things was working. Our relationship was growing and our friends knew about us. No matter how much I tried to convince myself otherwise, though, I knew that wouldn’t be enough after a while. Kai was proud of who he was and he’d never had to hide it. While he respected my need to be discreet until I was ready, I knew that he didn’t like doing it.

An email from my dad came through on my phone with a bunch of attachments. Now that I had everything I needed, I could put in the paperwork for financial aid. It would be difficult, but I could do it. A lot of college students had to go this route.

I stuffed my phone in my pocket and decided to head back to campus while the rain was light. I missed my boyfriend. If he was off the phone, I was going to park myself in his room and attempt to get my paper done, even though I knew that I’d probably just stare at his beautiful face until he inevitably managed to derail any attempts at doing homework.

*****

“It’s how much?” I nearly shouted.

Trish, the nice woman in the financial aid office, smiled at me. I shouldn’t have yelled, but Jesus. What came out of her mouth was insane.

“Around fifty thousand,” she repeated. “With the grants you applied for, you might be looking at around forty.”

“And that’s every year?”

“Yes, it’s for the nine-month school year.”

“What about in the summer?”

“Do you want to take summer classes?”

“Not really, but I don’t have anywhere to go, so I’d need to stay on campus.”

“I can run the numbers for you. Remember, if you can make payments on the loans while you’re still in school, it can help with the interest later.”

“Yeah, I doubt anything I can pay will help all that much.”

“Your tuition for this semester was already paid, but if you want to get financial aid for spring, you’ll want to get this in as early as you can.”

I chewed on my lip as I stared around the office. Fifty thousand dollars. It was stupid to choose a school out of my home state, apparently. I didn’t even know they charged more for that. It seemed pointless.

My parents got a loan to cover my school expenses, but I had no idea it was this expensive. His offer was sounding better the more I thought about it. If I only got my bachelor’s degree, I’d still be looking at close to a hundred thousand dollars of debt. That was insane. I was too young for that kind of thing.

What choice did I have? I could apply at a cheaper college. It’d still be a lot, but it could help. One thing was inevitable: I’d need to work full-time. Maybe more than that. My social life would be nonexistent and I’d be tired all the time. I guess this was what it meant to be an independent adult.

I hated it.

“Alright,” I said slowly. “I can put the application through even if I’m not sure yet, right?”

“Of course. You’ll have to accept the loan before it’s finalized.”

“Cool. Let’s do that, I guess.”

After I left her office, I made my way to the cafeteria. It was pretty empty right now, but I knew that it would fill up soon. I grabbed a sandwich and sat at our usual table, poking absently at the bread. Nothing seemed appetizing right now, even though I knew that I needed to eat.

I put my phone on the table and started scrolling through apartment listings. If it was more feasible to quit school and just get a job, I could do that. I wanted the degree, but I didn’t even know what I wanted to do with my life. I imagined acquiring all of that debt just to hate the field I chose. It would be a waste.

Apartments in Seattle, and even the outlying areas, were expensive. I couldn’t find a studio for less than twelve-hundred. Could I afford that? It was highly unlikely, not to mention I’d need to have money saved for a deposit and furniture. I could go without for a while if I needed to. An air mattress on the floor was better than a life of repression, right?

Maybe. It was hard for me to imagine either scenario.

The discouragement I felt made my shoulders sag. Kai was so positive, always saying that we would figure it out. Well, I was looking for ways, but none of them made me feel good.

Everything was a mess.

I heard West’s voice when he entered the cafeteria, so I pushed my emotions down and painted on a brave face. When he came into view with Kai at his side, I held onto that expression with a vice grip. He smiled at me and it made my chest ache.

Chapter 31

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